I am creating this post on a break at the San Diego State University Writers’ Conference. I attended this conference for some inspiration and to also have the opportunity to visit one of my girlfriends that live in this beautiful city. We met many years ago in the back of an aerobics class as we tried desperately to keep up with it. Laughing at ourselves and each other, we soon became good friends, next-door neighbors, and long-distance confidants when she moved back to her home city of San Diego. So, it is only fitting that the topic of this post will relate to one of our past gatherings.
Some years ago, my girlfriend divorced the same year that I broke off a long-term relationship. To commemorate this passage into another phase of “womanhood” we flew off to the Bahamas with a group of other girlfriends to relax and regroup. As expected, the topic of what we wanted in the next relationship was discussed and the one thing this particular friend stated was she definitely did not want a “fixer-upper”.
This term really piqued my interest and I asked her to define a “fixer upper”. To summarize (and formalize) her definition —- if a woman has to educate and/or motivate a man “to be all that he can be”, then he is a “fixer upper”. Wow! This was an interesting “measurement” and totally subjective. I wondered what type of man I would classify as a fixer-upper. A man’s work would not bother me as long as it was honorable but I would have problems with bad/uncouth table manners, personal hygiene issues, and dialogue that only contained monosyllables.
I asked my girlfriend what she would DO if she met a fixer-upper. She told me she would write him off but not before the first date. I laughed and asked her why. Her response was “They’re all good for a seafood dinner”. She asked me what I would do if I met a fixer-upper and I told her I would buy my own seafood dinner.
Questions:
Do you agree with the definition of a “fixer-upper”?
What would you do if you met a fixer-upper?
Well, I think I see a fixer-upper a little bit different because I think the term is subjective from the gitgo. The scenario that I envision is this: The woman wants a relationship, and chances are every man she encounters is scoped out as a possible romantic partner. So, she sizes him up initially, just a visual overview. As they begin to date, talk, text, email or whatever we do these days to get to know someone, she learns more about him. She’ll start ticking off his imperfections & comparing these shortcomings to her idea of the “ideal partner.” Before long she has a list a mile long of things that need tweaking. Though uneasy at some of his quirks, or his bad manners, or his stinginess, or his inability to hold a job….(you plug in the others here), she will decide whether or not he’s a keeper. If so, the transformation (or, the fix-up) is underway. This can be quite painful because I believe that most often what we see is what we get. If she is sadistic enough, she makes the fix-up/makeover her mission – whether he wants it or not. Transformation complete (or a complete bust) – real or imagined – someone has got to make a decision. Why? Because if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck (you know the old saying) – it’s still a duck.
Well I don’t know. I feel like everyone in their own way is a fixer-upper. I guess it’s more or less what the partner is willing to see as a problem and what they are willing to see as something they can deal with.
I agree with the response, “I would write him off”. I would not waste my time. And my time is valuable, in fact I almost equate my time with currency, if it is not spent wisely. Life is too short to be with someone that you basically cannot accept for who they really are, if you did, you would not feel the need to change/fix them up! I remember a past boyfriend telling me I can’t change who I am. Also, you run the risk of fixing him up for someone else! Because he can then be more attractable to other women, opening the door for more options which may not be you. In regards to the seafood dinner – forget it.
I agree that there is something that needs “fixing” on everyone. Some are more visible than others. I’m impatient and have had bad past experiences with “fixer uppers”. So, I too, “would write him off” and forget the seafood dinner. I once had a man to tell me that “I get rid of anything that gives me problems”. I told him that he was correct. He then told me that if I kept doing it, that I was going to be very lonely. My reply to him was that “I may get lonely, but not desperate”. Knowing that I am not perfect, I often wonder, what it is about me that attracks the “fixer upper”. I’m going to have to really search myself.