With the recent news of the violence between the young singers Chris Brown and Rihanna, it is difficult not to add my own comments to this atrocity. I want to clearly state my position on domestic violence – – there is NEVER any valid reason that a man should hit a woman — not even in self-defense. In my opinion, the larger person (in size) has the responsibility to walk away/retreat from the violent incident and, in most cases, that person is the man.
The ABA Commission on Domestic Violence (www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html) reports that approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States. This is alarming but not surprising. Also, since domestic violence is not always physical, I would guess that it has touched most families in some manner.
I know from personal experience that it has touched my family. My young aunt, who was only 20 years old, was murdered by her estranged husband on Christmas Day in the presence of their 2 year-old son. He also committed suicide. There was a 5 month-old son who was not present. The sad thing is the husband told my aunt at Thanksgiving that he was going to kill her. She did not believe him.
He was 20 years older and their relationship was frowned upon by our family, which seemed to make them closer in the beginning. But, as my aunt grew into a young woman and more independent, they grew apart and separated. Her husband became disgruntled and obsessive. So, on Christmas Day, while she telephoned for help, he shot her in her beautiful face, walked up to her and shot her in her heart, and then put the gun to his head. It was heartbreaking.
I am sure there were signs from him of this type of behavior before that eventful day and I believe my aunt just excused them or ignored them. I think this was her grave mistake. The loss of her life in this manner has made me hypersensitive to any man that I date. If he is controlling in any manner, his a** is history!
In my life’s journey, I have met a few women who were in the midst of some type of domestic abuse and opened up to me about it. The surprising thing about it was they were very cognizant of the abuse but unwilling to give up the relationship, not even for the sake of their children who were witnessing some of the abuse. I guess this substantiate my other belief…………the man who abuses his wife/woman needs help and the woman who stays and accepts it needs even more help.
Questions:
Has anyone in your circle of family and friends been touched by domestic violence? If so, please share (but do not give any personal information about the victims).
I personally believe anyone, a man or a woman, can fall into an abusive situation. It’s not always the bigger person whose the abuser. I knew a friend whose aunt used to take a base ball bat to her husband when she got mad. She was half the size of him!
Secondly, because patterns repeat, children who’ve been victims or have seen one of their parents be the victims have a greater tendency to repeat those patterns in their own life.
Fantastic. Love what you have written. What you have written is really important. It is never emphasised enough. Patterns of abuse often get repeated and being aware (mentally and behaviourally) is where it starts to stop it repeating.
I am sorry to hear this story about your aunt.
A good friend of mine was involved with an older man who was emotionally abusive to her. The key for her – and for many victims of abuse, I think – was amassing enough self-esteem and self-love to walk away from the relationship. He had done a remarkable job of destroying her ego and it was equally remarkable that she was able to leave when she did.
Wassup, girlfriend? I know this is a serious topic, but I think you should get your girlfriends gossiping and gathering again. It’s November, babe, and surely there are some gossip-worthy goings-on in your section of the globe. Looking forward to the next installment…
Abuse certainly gets the headlines, but what about extreme expressions of love? I wonder if any of us have been touched by those. That’s something I’d love to hear about.