I have never been good with hints. I don’t give them nor do I catch them. My communication style is direct so I have received a lot of “kicks” under the table when the hints and double-talking are flowing nearby. I know there are others like me and this can be a fatal flaw when relating with someone who has a different communication style.
I was reminded of this the other day while having lunch alone and using my “writer” observation skills. There were two guys having lunch together at a table near my table. I listened to their conversation which became very interesting…. (this is not eavesdropping but working on my dialogue techniques).
One of them was in a long-term marriage and the other one was divorced and exclusively dating. The meat of the conversation went something like this:
“So, how long have you and Kathy been dating?” married Joe asked.
“For five years”, divorced Sam responded.
“Wow! That long?”
“Well, I told her I would marry her tomorrow if she would sign a pre-nup but she wouldn’t do it. So, we just continue to date.”
Of course, my writer’s imagination took off and I started building a story in my mind as to why Kathy would continue to date Sam. The summary of my thoughts was that she thinks he will change his mind one day and marry her without the pre-nuptial agreement. From the tone that was in his voice, I can tell her that he will never change his mind.
Sam went on to talk about his divorce and how he had to give the first wife all of their real property to safeguard his 401K. Also, he went into some details about his 80 year-old widower father who was about to remarry and how he had the father sign over his real property to him/other siblings and directed him to acquire a pre-nup before remarriage. Surely, if Kathy knew all of these details she should have a clear picture of her chances of marrying Sam without a pre-nup.
Perhaps if Sam had been direct and told Kathy “I will never marry you unless you sign a pre-nup” Kathy would have moved on since she did not want to sign a pre-nup. Instead, she was continuing in a dead-end relationship and divorced Sam was perfectly content with the status quo.
Was this another communication disconnect or a covert manipulation? I wondered.
Question(s):
What do you think? Communication disconnect? Covert Manipulation?
Are you good with hints?
Do you prefer direct communication? Even when it is disappointing news?
I feel that this is a communication disconnect. I agree that if Sam had said “I will ‘never’ (the operative word) marry you unless you sign a pre-nup”, Kathy would have moved on. She may be thinking that he’s just kidding or she may be satisfied with things just the way they are. After 5 years, I think that I would have moved on. My picking up on hints is mediocre. I would prefer direct communication. Even when its disappointing news, it may take me a little while to discern it, but I take it at face value and move on.
Depending on Kathy’s age and experience in life, she might truly be holding out for Sam to change his mind. Of course, she should know this guy pretty well after 5 years and realize that, with his history, he will never change his mind. Or maybe she is quite happy with the status quo as well – we don’t know her story.
I am direct communicator. Although I am pretty good at picking up on hints, I hate it. Just spit it out already. And for bad news especially! I’ve always told my family and the people who work for me to just tell me the bad news straight up. I don’t need to be comforted before I even know the news. Once I know what you have to tell me, only then can I begin to figure out how to fix it or to deal with it, including accepting the comfort you might offer.
Very good topic – excellent observations! But, I don’t really think there is a miscommunication or manipulation here…at least not on his part. I am pretty sure that he told her some time ago that he wants a pre-nup. He seems adamant about it and has previous experience to support his feelings about it. Also, he seems to have been pretty clear with his dad about getting one as well. He’s about as subtle as a mack truck. My guess is that he told her…directly, and she may be either hoping he’ll change his mind or just going along until something better comes his way. Maybe she doesn’t want to marry him either!
I can hint, but it’s not my style unless I am trying not to embarrass my or others in a group setting maybe. I think you have to consider the other party sometimes. Some people do not take “direct” communication, which is oftentimes just the plain truth, very well. I think there’s a delicate balance.
Now, with that said, I can certainly catch them. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so good at it. Even as a child, I could read non-verbal cues and “read between the lines.” When peers hint to me, I can get annoyed because chances are I know what they are saying/doing, and feel it is game playing. So, i guess I don’t really care to communicate this way .
I particularly do not care for those close to me to do it to me… I call it playing word games or sometimes being passive aggressive. If someone wants me to tell me something just do it. If we have a good relationship, I’ll typically take it in the spirit it was given. What annoys me are people who don’t wanna discuss a subject so that “change the subject,” pretend they don’t understand or did not hear you.” Another ploy is to use circular language, or hypotheticals when you know the situation is about you or someone close to you. I’m pretty sure “straight up” or “direct” communication is my preference. When you are direct (not impulsive or just loose-lipped) you are more credible, and at least for me, I can respect the other party more.