How beautiful must I be for you to remain faithful to me?

There are scores of women scarred by unfaithfulness. Some scars are visible in the expression of negative emotions while others are invisible in the inability to open the heart to another relationship. However, the one common thread I hear in my discussions is that we women tend to carry the responsibility for our mate’s unfaithfulness.

We blame our appearance, our professional careers or lack of one, the way we relate to him, and the attention we give our children. We may not explicitly embrace this as the reason, but we implicitly accept it when we allow him to use it as an excuse. Some of us even compare/compete with the other woman to no avail. Let us all recall Clara Harris who is a brilliant woman that ruined her life by carrying the responsibility of her husband’s unfaithfulness. She morphed to become the woman she thought her husband wanted and he was still unfaithful. If only she had understood that his unfaithfulness wasn’t about her……..it was about him.

So here is an original thought that I want each of you to consider.

Faithfulness is a choice.

It is a choice driven by inner emotions instead of external factors. Before you commit to exclusivity in a relationship, you need to have an explicit discussion with your prospective mate about faithfulness. Don’t let the reciting of marriage vows be the first time that you openly discuss it. You also need to have a defined action in the case that your mate is unfaithful so that you will not suffer the agonies of vacillation.

QUESTION(s)

Do you believe faithfulness is a choice?

There are two approaches to trust. You are trusting until a person proves to be untrustworthy. You are not trusting until a person proves to be trustworthy. In both methods, you are eventually establishing belief in another fallible human being.

When you are in the initial stages of bonding with someone, and before making any commitments, you need to have concrete evidence that the person is safe, reliable, and honest. You should give attention to how the person functions in other aspects of their life regarding these traits. Don’t rely solely on your relational interactions. Take the time to understand the motivation behind their choices.

Trust is a vital ingredient for any relationship, especially a romantic one. I know some persons mostly equate trust with “will he/she cheat on me?” but you should focus on the fact that you will be sharing a part of yourself with this individual and you need to know deep within yourself that you will not be betrayed or violated.

Some of us in our quest to form a relationship skip over the time required to establish adequate trust. I have witnessed this in some of the relationships of my friends, and it has proven to be disastrous.

You want to take all of the time necessary to build sufficient trust with that special someone. However, over the course of your relationship, you also need to continue to monitor if that special someone still deserves your trust.
QUESTION(s)

What is your approach to trust?

When thinking about the next two essential traits, KIND and THOUGHTFUL, I realized that they are synonyms to one another. We have all heard this description – “He is so kind and thoughtful!” – So it made sense to discuss these traits in the same post. The definition of both speaks of having the gentle nature and desire to help others, being considerate of others and bringing happiness to others.

A different statement often made about kindness is that the presence of it in a person is a sign of their weakness. The person that believes that is probably an abuser so be wary when you hear that from someone.

If you are seeking a mate, you want “kind and thoughtful” because that supports “for better and for worse, in sickness and in health” and leads to the caring required for a committed lifelong relationship. It is cool when he brings you flowers, chocolates, gifts on your birthday and other holidays. It is great when he opens all of the doors for you, runs out in the rain to get the car, and physically carries all the heavy items. However, in the case of illness, is he willing/capable of bringing you food, pain medicine, and change your adult diaper, if necessary? These are the real tests of kind and thoughtful.

QUESTION(s): How would you determine if a prospective mate is kind and thoughtful?

Humility, regarding humbleness and deference, is one of the most important traits required to be able to relate to another human being.

Humbleness is the understanding that no one person is better than or lesser than another person and it allows one to have the capacity to love. If you are looking “down” on someone or looking “up” to someone, how can you truly see them and how can you truly know yourself? We tend to value others by external factors and chaos occurs when those elements fade or change. Invest your emotions in someone who values internal growth because that type of growth is usually lasting.

I knew a very confident young woman once who made a mistake in her life which caused depression for her. She lost her confidence and thought of herself as damaged (“less than”). Someone she trusted stepped right in and convinced her that he could “save” her from her plight. However, previously, he had secretly desired her confident self but felt unworthy and rejected. When he saw her depressed state, it was his opportunity to step on her to make himself feel “better than” in the relationship. This behavior was emotional abuse, and it soon turned into physical violence.

Deference is the belief that there is something greater than you and it allows one to be able to give for love. If you value the air you breathe, the sun and moon that lights your way, and your beating heart, then you do realize that there is a supreme being that has given you these things because of love. Seek the person that shares this same deference because they will know how to give those heartfelt intangibles to the relationship.

However, if you meet someone who credits all of his being and accomplishments to his merit, RUN!

QUESTION(s):

There are some who equate humility with weakness – especially in a man.

What do you think?