GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Comeback

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Imagine.

You have a “point-of-no-return” break up with your boyfriend.   Then you discover you are pregnant.   You decide to go it alone.   However, you become depressed and reclusive.   The only persons you will allow to visit are your family, a couple of close girlfriends and your childhood guy friend.

This guy comes over constantly.   He tells you how he always secretly admired you since high school.   He convinces you that he can “save your reputation” and be a good father to your child.   He gives you the attention you crave and makes you feel wanted.   You like this feeling.  It uplifts your self-esteem and self-confidence.  He proposes marriage.  You can’t muster up any passion for him but you “know” him and his family.    What do you do?

  1. Thank him for his proposal and caring but tell him he deserves someone who can truly love him.
  2. Marry him and adapt to being a passionless dutiful wife.
  3. Marry him and address your passionate needs with extramarital affairs.

My childhood friend was in this situation, and she chose #3.    She confessed to me that at her wedding reception she danced with her married lover from work.   She became a serial cheater which was a factor in her divorce.

The rebound relationship has tempted anyone that has been heartbroken.   Some of us believe that a new love cures a broken heart and the quicker we find that new love, the better.   We want the attention, the excitement, and the exposure of the new relationship.  However, there are emotional dangers in this behavior for you and the new partner. You may experience mood swings between elation and depression about the new relationship and losing the old one.   Your new partner may come to realize he is your second choice by some of your behaviors and start to feel used.

Here is a list of five behaviors that will indicate you are in a rebound relationship:

  1. You think about your Ex continuously even when you are with your new partner.
  2. Your new partner reminds you of your Ex, and this was the initial attraction for you.
  3. You want to frequent places with your new partner in tow where you may encounter your Ex.
  4. You just can’t put away those old photos of you with your Ex.
  5. Your new partner is only a temporary lover, and you don’t bother to include him in your inner circle.

Now as we look at these behaviors I know, as women, none of us want to be on the receiving end.   So, we need to be careful and allow ourselves time after a heartbreak, so we don’t perpetuate this type of behaviors on others.

L-O-V-E will cure a broken heart but it is the self-love from within that will succeed.

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Crutch

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Imagine.

You are a divorced father, and it is the weekend for your eight-year-old son to stay.   You wake up early as the day is dawning because you and your son are attending one of his all-day Boy Scouts’ events.   As you go out to pick up the newspaper to read with your morning coffee before your son wakes, you recognize a car park down the street facing your house.  It is the woman you are dating from the office sitting in her car watching your home at 6 am on a Saturday morning.   What do you do?

  1. Wave at her, acknowledge her presence and walk over to her car like this behavior is normal.
  2. Turn, go back inside your home and call her later to confront her about her behavior.
  3. Turn, go back inside your home and decide never to call her again.

I had a friend that did this to the man she was dating, and he chose #3.   True story.   She would not face her behaviors which resulted in her acting out in the workplace and having to get help from a mental health professional to keep her job.

The most significant fear of the needy woman is that something or someone will cause her to lose her man…her relationship.  Her focus is not about “him” the person but the relationship because it validates her.   One of the tell-tale signs of a needy woman is how she refers to the man in her life in general conversation.   If she refers to him by his name, this is good.   If she refers to him as “my husband” or “my man” like he is the purse on her arm, the jewelry she has adorned, or the vehicle she drives, then she may suffer from neediness.   When I hear this, I imagine the man stripped of his identity and humanity.

Now, that may seem harsh, but I remember a conversation I had with a man that opened my eyes to this phenomenon.   He told me what he liked and disliked in a romantic relationship.  One of the things he said was “I don’t want a woman who is sitting around waiting for me to come home and make her happy.”   Since I am completely the opposite, this piqued my curiosity.   I started observing the behaviors and conversations that women have about their relationships over the years.   I wanted to determine if there were indeed women who put so much of their well-being and happiness in the hands of a man.

Surprisingly, I found there are women from all walks of life who use the romantic relationship as a crutch to bolster their self-esteem, self-confidence, and worthiness.

Here are five of my most common observations about the needy woman:

  1. She must be in a relationship.   She will even hold on to one lousy relationship until she finds a new one.
  2. Insecurity and jealousy consume her which leads to her being very diligent in keeping her man from being near other women. She believes that all women have super-persuasive powers and can swoop her man away to make him do something he really doesn’t want to do.
  3. She voluntarily subjugates her routine to his routine to accommodate his life.
  4. She doesn’t foster and nurture independent relationships beyond the romantic relationship.
  5. She becomes suspicious and depressed if her man wants some space to foster his independent relationships (i.e., friends, spend time with children from a divorce).

I am a live-and-let-live kind of person, but I must confess that it is hard to witness the behavior mentioned above in a Sister.  However, I do realize that we are all on a journey to self-discovery and every path is not the same.   I hope that we all stay steady on that path and not deviate to pick up a “crutch” along the way.   The reality is no man wants to be your crutch and the recipient of your needy behavior.   He is an emotional human being, too, and not responsible for validating you.

L-O-V-E should not be about “needing from” another person but “sharing with” another person.   Keep that in mind, and you will avoid this relational pitfall to stay on the path to a meaningful connection.