Your man is reclined on your sofa in front of your big screen with the remote control in his hand. His tennis shoes are kicked off and over to the side of the room. There is a whiff of his smelly socks in the air. You are either in the kitchen preparing him another “dinner at your place” or sitting in the room with him glaring out of the corner of your eyes …………BUT you are totally unnoticed by him. Sounds familiar? Maybe too familiar? You may not know this but you are in the zone of “his mere presence”.
In discussions with other single women about what they desire in a mate, most report, “I want a man that wants to DO something”. When I ask “What?” the reply is usually the same – – “Anything!”
There are some men that believe that women should be content with him just “being” in their lives. I call it “his mere presence”. These men actually wonder what all of the hoopla is about when we women start making plans – – demands in his mind – – to do “things” other than his visiting you and you catering to his every wish.
One of my closest friends reported she was constantly asked by a guy she met “what are you cooking tonight?” When she finally inquired “when are you taking me out to dinner?” His reply was “Don’t worry; I’ll get around to it.” Lucky for her, she saw the entrance signs to the “his mere presence” zone and stopped personal interactions with him.
In my own personal experience, I, unknowingly, entered that zone and stayed a very long time. I stopped doing many of the activities I loved and adapted to a life that was really boring to me but I could not admit it. Even when planning a trip to beautiful Hawaii with my guy he indicated what he wanted to do (throw a fishing rod over the hotel balcony and relax while fishing) but never once asked me what I wanted to do. I discarded that dream of seeing Hawaii with him.
It was a small insignificant event that finally opened my eyes.
On that day, I was lying across my bed bored and dozing. My guy was visiting me and sitting at my computer desk doing some work on the computer, which was set up in my bedroom. He looked over at me over his bifocals with this huge grin on his face and said “This is just how I like it…..you lying across the bed and me here doing some work!!” At that moment, the hammer of reality about my relationship slammed across my head. He was content. I was bored and miserable. Our needs were different. Unfortunately, for us there was no middle ground. The relationship went downhill and ended.
There were several years that I spent alone but eventually, in the middle of one of my adventures, I found the man who was a match for me with the same adventurous spirit. All I had to say was “Let’s” and he would finish it with “Go”. I did go to Hawaii with him and marked off my bucket list the view from the top of Diamond Head in Oahu. We trekked to the top together and inhaled the beautiful view of Waikiki Beach down below. This man was of a different race and culture than me and the men in my past. However, this fact was insignificant as our personalities matched and there was a lot of happiness in our sharing.
So, my message to you is expand your horizons. Don’t settle for life in the zone of “his mere presence”. You have one journey here and the right to DO those things that are important to you. If you want to share it with someone, extend your search and find that person who matches your enthusiasm about “doing”. If necessary, don’t be afraid to “DO” alone. You will probably find that perfect match in the middle of doing that “thing you DO”.
Here are my four steps to avoiding the zone of “his mere presence”:
Step 1 – Within yourself, embrace the desire to have a man “doing” in your life as the priority instead of his “being” in it.
Step 2 – Broaden your horizons. Don’t limit yourself to a specific range of men for personal interactions. Sometimes our biases impact our happiness.
Step 3 – Boldly convey to a prospective mate that you want someone to DO in your life – – not just BE in your life.
Step 4 – Periodically reassess the personality of your relationship. If it doesn’t fit anymore, don’t force it.
1. Have you ever been to the zone of “his mere presence”? If so, please share your experience.
2. Do you have any friends that are languishing in this zone and unaware of it? If so, will you enlighten them now?