It would be wonderful if Obsession was truly only just that good-smelling cologne on a sexy man in a Calvin Klein TV commercial. But, according to Merriam-Webster, obsession is “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.”
If I had to put a face on obsession, it would be a dark-cloaked being with large clawed groping hands lurking in the shadows and corners of another person’s life waiting to drain every ounce of energy and productiveness from that other person with a controlling destructiveness that is maniacal.
I speak from experience because I was once a victim of an obsessive stalker.
It would have helped me to determine the personality of my stalker had he truly appeared as the being I described above but he was completely the opposite. He had a head-turning handsomeness and a charismatic personality that belied the true nature within. In hindsight, there were signs but I was very young and too inexperienced to see them early on.
The warnings of his personality came from his own mother. One day while we were visiting her, she sent him on an errand and told me she wanted to tell me something because “I was too good for her son”. She proceeded to tell me that he had several other girlfriends that he was seeing while I was attending college. She told me that he had told them all about me because they had called her to “whine” about his relationship with me…..his fiancée.
Her advice to me was to break-up with him because “he will never change” but she told me that she did not know how I would do it because “he is obsessed with you”. I did not know what that meant at the time but I soon found out.
Heeding her advice, I promptly broke up with him. I stopped seeing him and I stopped talking to him. This is when the nightmare started. He started following me.
I would be in my car at an intersection waiting on the stop light to change and the next thing I knew he would be knocking at my car window. I would come to my car in the parking lot at the university and he would be parked by my car waiting for me. Morning, noon, or night – he would follow me, begging me to talk to him, to come back to him and when I refused he would become very angry. He even went to a family member and begged her to convince me to talk to him and she had to throw him out when he started shouting on the phone at me because I would not talk back to him.
It was one of the toughest periods in my life. I thought I would never get rid of him. There were probably legal remedies but I did not think of that and I did not tell my parents. I am not sure there were any stalking laws at that time.
During that time, I met a nice guy in my class. He was very attentive and I knew he wanted to ask me out for a date but I did not want to get involved with someone new while this jerk was stalking me. After refusing a couple of dates, on the third request I told the new guy all about the stalker. He was very concerned for me. He told me not to worry that he still wanted to get to know me better.
My new guy started walking me to my car after class. I felt safe with him as he was a tall guy, ex-Navy, with a black belt in karate. We started dating and for a few months I had a reprieve. Then one day, while waiting for my new guy to come over to visit, the stalker knocked on my door. I opened the door and walked out on the porch to talk to him. I told him it was over, that I had met someone else. Just at that moment, my new guy drove up. I walked out passed the stalker and threw my arms around my new guy in a big hug and a big kiss.
I heard wild laughter coming from the porch. When I turned around, the stalker had walked up to us. My new guy told him man-to-man that it was over and that he would be making sure that I was not being harassed anymore.
The stalker replied and told my new guy that I was a good woman and that he would never give up trying to win me back even though I had told him it was over.
(Later, I found out the wild laughter came from my younger sister. She told me that when I hugged and kissed my new guy, the stalker grabbed his chest like he was having a heart attack and started swaying in the driveway like he was going to fall down).
The stalker didn’t call for a long time but he did call back. I still refused to talk to him. Eventually, I moved away from my parent’s home but over the years, the stalker would sometimes call on the holidays when he knew I was visiting my parents. When I would hear his voice, I would just hang up. A few years ago, I saw a small notice in the obituary section of the newspaper regarding his death. It was only then that I breathe a sigh of relief and felt truly free of him.
So, when I hear about a brilliant and productive woman attempting to break into her on-again-off-again boyfriend’s home with a shovel and then climbing up a ladder onto the roof to jump down the chimney to her death because she is obsessed, I am not surprised. I wonder what other outrageous acts she had committed before that night and did she experience any regrets before she suffocated to death while stuck in that chimney.
There are some persons that feel the need to control others. When they can no longer control the other person, I think they become obsessed with “correcting” the behavior of the other person so that the status quo can continue. Perhaps there are different degrees of “obsession” but even the minimal amount should not be tolerated.
In my opinion, the only person you can really control is yourself.
There is peace of mind in that realization.
Do you think obsession grows from controlling behaviors?
How would you feel about someone spying on your every move (checking your cell phone, timing your commutes)?
How would you feel about someone searching thru your things (pockets, purses, briefcases, etc.)?
Do you think the above is “obsessive” behaviors?