GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Comeback

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Imagine.

You have a “point-of-no-return” break up with your boyfriend.   Then you discover you are pregnant.   You decide to go it alone.   However, you become depressed and reclusive.   The only persons you will allow to visit are your family, a couple of close girlfriends and your childhood guy friend.

This guy comes over constantly.   He tells you how he always secretly admired you since high school.   He convinces you that he can “save your reputation” and be a good father to your child.   He gives you the attention you crave and makes you feel wanted.   You like this feeling.  It uplifts your self-esteem and self-confidence.  He proposes marriage.  You can’t muster up any passion for him but you “know” him and his family.    What do you do?

  1. Thank him for his proposal and caring but tell him he deserves someone who can truly love him.
  2. Marry him and adapt to being a passionless dutiful wife.
  3. Marry him and address your passionate needs with extramarital affairs.

My childhood friend was in this situation, and she chose #3.    She confessed to me that at her wedding reception she danced with her married lover from work.   She became a serial cheater which was a factor in her divorce.

The rebound relationship has tempted anyone that has been heartbroken.   Some of us believe that a new love cures a broken heart and the quicker we find that new love, the better.   We want the attention, the excitement, and the exposure of the new relationship.  However, there are emotional dangers in this behavior for you and the new partner. You may experience mood swings between elation and depression about the new relationship and losing the old one.   Your new partner may come to realize he is your second choice by some of your behaviors and start to feel used.

Here is a list of five behaviors that will indicate you are in a rebound relationship:

  1. You think about your Ex continuously even when you are with your new partner.
  2. Your new partner reminds you of your Ex, and this was the initial attraction for you.
  3. You want to frequent places with your new partner in tow where you may encounter your Ex.
  4. You just can’t put away those old photos of you with your Ex.
  5. Your new partner is only a temporary lover, and you don’t bother to include him in your inner circle.

Now as we look at these behaviors I know, as women, none of us want to be on the receiving end.   So, we need to be careful and allow ourselves time after a heartbreak, so we don’t perpetuate this type of behaviors on others.

L-O-V-E will cure a broken heart but it is the self-love from within that will succeed.

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Crutch

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Imagine.

You are a divorced father, and it is the weekend for your eight-year-old son to stay.   You wake up early as the day is dawning because you and your son are attending one of his all-day Boy Scouts’ events.   As you go out to pick up the newspaper to read with your morning coffee before your son wakes, you recognize a car park down the street facing your house.  It is the woman you are dating from the office sitting in her car watching your home at 6 am on a Saturday morning.   What do you do?

  1. Wave at her, acknowledge her presence and walk over to her car like this behavior is normal.
  2. Turn, go back inside your home and call her later to confront her about her behavior.
  3. Turn, go back inside your home and decide never to call her again.

I had a friend that did this to the man she was dating, and he chose #3.   True story.   She would not face her behaviors which resulted in her acting out in the workplace and having to get help from a mental health professional to keep her job.

The most significant fear of the needy woman is that something or someone will cause her to lose her man…her relationship.  Her focus is not about “him” the person but the relationship because it validates her.   One of the tell-tale signs of a needy woman is how she refers to the man in her life in general conversation.   If she refers to him by his name, this is good.   If she refers to him as “my husband” or “my man” like he is the purse on her arm, the jewelry she has adorned, or the vehicle she drives, then she may suffer from neediness.   When I hear this, I imagine the man stripped of his identity and humanity.

Now, that may seem harsh, but I remember a conversation I had with a man that opened my eyes to this phenomenon.   He told me what he liked and disliked in a romantic relationship.  One of the things he said was “I don’t want a woman who is sitting around waiting for me to come home and make her happy.”   Since I am completely the opposite, this piqued my curiosity.   I started observing the behaviors and conversations that women have about their relationships over the years.   I wanted to determine if there were indeed women who put so much of their well-being and happiness in the hands of a man.

Surprisingly, I found there are women from all walks of life who use the romantic relationship as a crutch to bolster their self-esteem, self-confidence, and worthiness.

Here are five of my most common observations about the needy woman:

  1. She must be in a relationship.   She will even hold on to one lousy relationship until she finds a new one.
  2. Insecurity and jealousy consume her which leads to her being very diligent in keeping her man from being near other women. She believes that all women have super-persuasive powers and can swoop her man away to make him do something he really doesn’t want to do.
  3. She voluntarily subjugates her routine to his routine to accommodate his life.
  4. She doesn’t foster and nurture independent relationships beyond the romantic relationship.
  5. She becomes suspicious and depressed if her man wants some space to foster his independent relationships (i.e., friends, spend time with children from a divorce).

I am a live-and-let-live kind of person, but I must confess that it is hard to witness the behavior mentioned above in a Sister.  However, I do realize that we are all on a journey to self-discovery and every path is not the same.   I hope that we all stay steady on that path and not deviate to pick up a “crutch” along the way.   The reality is no man wants to be your crutch and the recipient of your needy behavior.   He is an emotional human being, too, and not responsible for validating you.

L-O-V-E should not be about “needing from” another person but “sharing with” another person.   Keep that in mind, and you will avoid this relational pitfall to stay on the path to a meaningful connection.

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Queendom

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Imagine.

You have an all-expenses-paid business trip for one week in beautiful San Francisco.   You decide to splurge and treat your Boo with an airline ticket to fly out and join you.   He adjusts his schedule and joins you.   It starts out wonderfully.   By mid-week, you decide to skip out on the afternoon conference sessions for some shopping.   You swing by the hotel to grab your Boo, but he tells you to go on without him because he wants to relax and continue to watch ESPN.   What do you do?

  1. Give him a peck on the cheek as you head out shopping hopefully with his credit card in your purse.
  2. Take off your pantyhose and watch ESPN with him.
  3. Throw a tantrum, throw him out of the hotel room, and inform him to find his way home since you bought his airline ticket.

I know someone who was in the drama of #3.  True story.

Let’s be honest.  Some of us would rather dictate to than relate to another person.  We have a fantasy in our mind about the relationship, and the other person is just a character in that fiction.

The attitude is “this is my world – Queendom –, and you’re just in it.”

Some of you may find a man that will agree with you – probably for his personal reasons.  However, most of you will find someone who will eventually say “to hell with you” and go on his merry way.     As they say, even the most faithful dog will leave if you kick him long enough.  Then your relation-breaking cycle starts all over again.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being in your Queendom as long as you’re okay with it.   Being alone and having an occasional visitor is comfortable for some.  But, if you want a long-term, lasting relationship you got to let down the drawbridge and relate.

Now for those who may have difficulty identifying controlling behaviors within, here are a few signs to look for within yourself.

  1. You are impossible to please and can’t avoid complaining. You can find fault with “manna from heaven.”
  2. Without your input, nothing is done right.
  3. You are not interested in another’s point of view.
  4. You cannot tolerate criticism.
  5. You find flaws in the independent decisions of others and don’t mind telling them about it.
  6. You are envious of those who are smarter than you or can perform better than you.
  7. You are reluctant to trust the judgment and capabilities of others.

Controlling behavior will murder any relationship especially a romantic one.   The most important thing each of us as human beings – women – should accept is the only person you can really control is Y-O-U.

Best Things in Life #11 – Dancing

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If you are endowed with the ability to hear the beat and rhythm of music then you are capable of enjoying one of the most exciting experiences of human movement – dancing.    Dance is just as ancient as the human race and has been an integral part of our rituals, social events, and spiritual gatherings.   Dance remains one of the most expressive ways that we communicate with one another.

I love dance.   In my youth, I won a few freestyle dance contests and a talent show.   As a teenager, I recall dancing every single day after my chores were done.    I could dance alone, with a partner, or with a group of friends.   At the high school dances my partner and I were always one of the first couples on the floor.   When the music started I could not keep still as there was such freedom in “moving” to the music.   As a young woman, the ability to dance was a prerequisite for all date candidates and the prelude to some very sensual moments.

Then, life happened.   I met someone I really cared about but he did not express himself with dance.  I stopped dancing.   In fact, dancing became a very distant memory for many years as I navigated through motherhood and career.   It slipped away so silently that I did not notice it was gone because of the busy-ness of my life.

Then, I entered into the empty nest phase.   I met someone who brought dance back into my life.  I had all the time to become reacquainted with the freedom and sensuality of it again.   As that old saying goes – it IS better the second time around.

Just to name a few memorable dancing experiences – I have danced the Salsa (Mambo & Merengue) in Miami, Puerto Rico, Santo Domingo, Aruba, and Acapulco.   I have danced the traditional dance of Welcome with the Tlingit Natives in their Beaver Clan House in Ketchikan, Alaska.   I have attempted to hula dance at the Luau Kapolei and the Polynesian Cultural Center in Oahu; and  standing near a waterfall on the road to Hana in Maui.   I still have the Tango to accomplish in Buenos Aires before I can call it quits.

Dancing is happiness.   One of my recurring fond moments is when I am traveling with my sister.   At some point during our time together she will stand in front of a mirror in our hotel room or cruise cabin and dance to the music in her head.     This is when I know she is at her happiest moment.  I always laugh and join her.

Here are some video clips of some happy Salsa dancers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_xwl_y5uT44

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZHIQULn-MI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjSClEqdInw

QUESTION(S):

Can you dance?

Do you like to dance?

When was the last time you danced?

Competition Among Women – Fact or Fiction?

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women in business (2)When you meet a guy and he finally accepts that you will be keeping your panties on he can become a really good friend.    You can have very interesting conversations with him about the male point of view and he may even share some of their secrets on relationships with you.    Such was the case when I had a “not so friendly” discussion with a male friend about the alleged competition among women.

This male friend was a New Yorker and worked on Wall Street.   He was here in Houston for a week on a business trip.  We had several dinners scheduled for the week as it was his first visit to H-Town and I wanted to introduce him to some of our great cuisine.   Now, just to make it clear, he was only a friend.   Even though we were both single when we first met a couple of years previously in Atlanta, he had married since that time so that was a game changer.   Since we both worked in IT and were members of the same IT technical community, we kept in touch mostly about work.

So, here he was in Houston.   We had a nice dinner and the conversation flowed well.  Then he made a statement that grabbed my full attention.    He was telling me about the dynamic atmosphere of working on Wall Street.   He mentioned that the women all dressed their very best every day because they were always in competition.    At that point, I asked the naïve question, “In competition?  For what?”  He laughed and said, “They are in competition for a man.”    I laughed and told him I did not believe that was the reason they dressed well.   He reiterated his point.  I told him he was mistaken if he thought that every woman competes with another one for a man.

Well, at that point he became condescending.   He told me that I did not understand so he needed to make it clear for me with an example.

He said, “What if you are dating a man that is dating 2 other women?   Wouldn’t you compete with them for his full attention?”

I asked, “So, in this scenario, am I aware that he is dating the 2 other women?”

He replied, “Yes, he told you about it.”

I replied, “Ok.  Well, now he is only dating 2 women instead of 3.”

He said, “No, wait.   He hasn’t made up his mind yet.”

I replied, “Yes, but I have made up MY mind.”

He became exasperated.  “No, you don’t understand, he hasn’t made a choice, yet.”

I replied with laughter.  “No, YOU don’t understand.  I have a choice, too.   I choose not to be included in his choices.”

He looked at me for a long moment and then said, “Forget it. You are not trying to understand.”

I drove him back to his hotel keeping the conversation on trivial subjects.   However, I noticed he was unusually quiet.  I knew it was because of our enlightening conversation.    The next day he called to tell me that there had been a change in his schedule and he would not be able to make the remainder of our dinners.   I never heard from him again.   I have no regrets about that conversation.    I have no regrets about losing that friendship.   I discovered that he was a male chauvinist. He discovered that not only was I a Southern Belle with Cowgirl spunk but a Feminist, too!

I refuse to believe that a group of well-dressed and intelligent women working in one of the most dynamic environments in the U.S are spending their valuable time competing for a man.    I refuse to believe that any woman is competing with another one for a man.   Now, I know there are some unhealthy relations between women and it may seem that it is about a man.   However, if you look deeper, usually you will find there are other underlying issues possibly related to self-awareness, emotional issues, depression, etc.   This is where the focus should be – on the root cause and not on the symptom.

We should never tolerate negative “blanket” statements about female behavior in our hearing.   As women, we are as varied as snowflakes and the motivations that shape our actions are the same.

QUESTION(S)

Do you believe that women compete with one another for the attention of a man?