GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

On Being Resolute

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A New Day Dawning

Sometimes life throws you a curveball that will reveal your strengths and weaknesses to you. 

Since 2017, I’ve been hit by some curveballs that have changed the trajectory of the remainder of my life. These changes are not bad or negative, but they are unexpected ones. I’m having to “roll with the punches” and deal with the emotions that come with the realization that I am not in control.

So, what have I learned about me?

Some of my lessons were revealed through comments from my dear SisterGirlfriends during the travails of the last three years.  

 One told me she believed I was a “super-woman.”  

Another one told me that she found me “unbreakable.” 

The one comment that humbled me was when my friend, who is battling a severe health issue, told me she found her strength by watching me.  

When I combine their comments and reflect on the journey of my entire life, there is one word that sums it up.  

 I am resolute.

The definition for resolute is BOLD, STEADY, RESOLVED. 

The synonyms for resolute are bent (on or upon), bound, decisive, determined, do-or-die, firm, hell-bent (on or upon), intent, out, purposeful, resolved, set, single-minded.

If these words define my character, then this “resoluteness” was forged through pain, grief, joy, tears, laughter, prayers, and all that illustrate the human experience.

It was formed on establishing a goal and “keeping my eyes on the prize” until I got there when things got foggy.  

It was founded on the belief that if I fail, then I must get back up and move forward.

It was reinforced through faith that God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit would be with me through whatever journey was before me.

Today, some friends are going through some pain and sadness.   

It is hard in our society and our personal lives right now.  

Some of us have experienced life-altering changes. 

Embrace each new day.

You will survive these troubling times.

Be resolute.

Over Here in Overwhelm

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There is an old saying that goes something like “What won’t kill you will make you strong.”  It is true.    However, what they don’t tell you is you have to go to a place and through a process to get to that strength.   It AIN’T easy.   You can’t skip over it.   You will need an arsenal of spiritual and emotional tools to help you because it will bring you to your knees.   I call this place OVERWHELM.

Overwhelm is a place I rediscovered when the flood waters of Hurricane Harvey breached my home on 8/28/17 and rose to 6-feet destroying everything I owned.    Overwhelm is a place I was forced to settle into when my dearly loved cousin-sistergirlfriend in Dallas died suddenly on 12/11/18, and I became the executor of her estate.   Overwhelm is the place that challenges me to determine should I give in to despair or lace up for the good fight to overcome these temporary obstacles.

I’ve been told, “Girl, you are holding up great.”   I’ve been told, “Girl, I don’t know how you are dealing with all of this.”    I can tell you that out of survival necessity I’ve formulated a coping strategy.  This strategy consists of two actions – recognition and formulation.   I recognize when I am struggling, and I formulate an immediate action plan to work through it.

Here are some symptoms one can experience in the land of Overwhelm:

  • Anxiety
  • Sleeplessness
  • Emotional eating
  • Lack of appetite
  • Lack of Focus
  • Intolerance for others
  • Numbness in spirit and emotions
  • Physical Response
    • Hair Loss
    • Rashes / Hives
    • Dehydration
    • Nausea

Some of these symptoms may be temporary, but some can come and remain with you.   The most important thing you can do is give attention to yourself and what you are feeling.

Here are my recommendations to combat these symptoms:

  • Exercise – try to move daily, a 30-minute walk is all you need if you don’t exercise regularly.
  • Keep a routine – even if partially because you will have additional tasks for a short period.
  • Express your feelings – talk to your “sounding boards” (friends, family, etc.) but no whining and self-pity parties.
  • Compartmentalize tasks so you can move forward. It is better to move forward even if it is at a slower pace.    Try to plan only 1-2 weeks out.
  • Make lists and don’t feel guilty about it. Utilize simple tools – like the NOTES application on your smartphone – so you don’t add to your feelings of overwhelm by trying to learn a new app.
  • Prepare to do some emotional eating because some of us will do it. Find healthy snacks and food to “crunch” out the anger and “smooth” the sadness.
  • Know your limits and express them. Just say “NO” and, if necessary, “H*LL, NO!”
  • Take a break / a change of scenery to step away from the overwhelming tasks for a bit. It will help you rejuvenate and regroup so you can continue onward.

I’ve chosen the good fight.   I’ve been down on my knees praying.   There is no timetable, and I’ve accepted I’m going to be here for a bit.   I’ve decided to progress onward to acquire that strength on the other side because I have faith it is there waiting for me.

 

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Queendom

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Imagine.

You have an all-expenses-paid business trip for one week in beautiful San Francisco.   You decide to splurge and treat your Boo with an airline ticket to fly out and join you.   He adjusts his schedule and joins you.   It starts out wonderfully.   By mid-week, you decide to skip out on the afternoon conference sessions for some shopping.   You swing by the hotel to grab your Boo, but he tells you to go on without him because he wants to relax and continue to watch ESPN.   What do you do?

  1. Give him a peck on the cheek as you head out shopping hopefully with his credit card in your purse.
  2. Take off your pantyhose and watch ESPN with him.
  3. Throw a tantrum, throw him out of the hotel room, and inform him to find his way home since you bought his airline ticket.

I know someone who was in the drama of #3.  True story.

Let’s be honest.  Some of us would rather dictate to than relate to another person.  We have a fantasy in our mind about the relationship, and the other person is just a character in that fiction.

The attitude is “this is my world – Queendom –, and you’re just in it.”

Some of you may find a man that will agree with you – probably for his personal reasons.  However, most of you will find someone who will eventually say “to hell with you” and go on his merry way.     As they say, even the most faithful dog will leave if you kick him long enough.  Then your relation-breaking cycle starts all over again.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being in your Queendom as long as you’re okay with it.   Being alone and having an occasional visitor is comfortable for some.  But, if you want a long-term, lasting relationship you got to let down the drawbridge and relate.

Now for those who may have difficulty identifying controlling behaviors within, here are a few signs to look for within yourself.

  1. You are impossible to please and can’t avoid complaining. You can find fault with “manna from heaven.”
  2. Without your input, nothing is done right.
  3. You are not interested in another’s point of view.
  4. You cannot tolerate criticism.
  5. You find flaws in the independent decisions of others and don’t mind telling them about it.
  6. You are envious of those who are smarter than you or can perform better than you.
  7. You are reluctant to trust the judgment and capabilities of others.

Controlling behavior will murder any relationship especially a romantic one.   The most important thing each of us as human beings – women – should accept is the only person you can really control is Y-O-U.

Slow Your “Roll”

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Recently, I went out to lunch with a friend and coworker.   When I got into her car, there were four wigs in it.  One on her head and three lying in a pile on the front passenger seat.  My friend quickly grabbed the wigs and tossed them on the backseat.   I got in the car and looked at her.  I guess my look said it all because before I could speak my thoughts, she told me, “Girl, I know.”  It was clear it was time for some self-evaluation.

I asked her what the heck was going on in her life that she was riding around with wigs in the front seat of her car.   She told me how busy her life had been in recent months and how she would choose a hairdo to put on while driving to the office.   All I could say was “Girl, slow your roll.”

Now, for those who may not understand that statement, “roll” or “rolling” is an informal description (slang) that describes the movement of a person through their daily tasks, chores, etc.  My SisterGirlfriends and I use this term all of the time.   When we say to each other “slow your roll”, it is sufficient to gently admonish one another to stop and take care of ourselves.

There are times when life gets busy, and then there are times when a person is flat out overwhelmed.

   Here are some indicators that you’ve been zombified:

  1. You are dressing in your car while driving to your destination.
  2. You are warned and choose to skip car maintenance tasks until your vehicle stops working.
  3. You are eating out daily because you don’t have time to compile a grocery list and shop for food to stock your kitchen.
  4. You are losing your purse, keys, glasses, wallet…something…every other day.
  5. You are not managing your communication channels (voicemail box is full, don’t check email for weeks, missed calls).
  6. You arrive home and realize you should be at another destination.
  7. You are overly involved in managing other “grown folks” business instead of your own.
  8. You schedule vacation, but you take your laptop so you can log in to work/office.

Now, you may have to plan a few days of downtime just to regroup so you can think about slowing down but it will be worth it.   Once you get rested up, here are some tips to kick off and get you on the right track.

Tips for “Slowing Your Roll”

  1. Get organized. Make use of your smartphone with the apps to help you with making notes, tracking tasks, and keeping schedules/calendars.
  2. Plan your errand route, so you are not driving all over the city. If you have to go to the brick and mortar locations for shopping, banking, laundry cleaners, etc., use the locations close to your office so you can manage it on a lunch break or en route to/from the office.
  3. Spread errands out during the week and strive to keep weekends free for downtime or pleasurable activities.
  4. Acknowledge you can’t do everything yourself and delegate or pay for housework/lawn care.
  5. When you schedule downtime, stick with it. Plan something fun to do or just relax at a spa.  You need to place yourself first in your schedule because no one else will.
  6. Take a periodic vacation at least for one week a year. Stepping away from your daily life and doing something entirely different is very refreshing.
  7. Learn to say NO to anything that will drain your time and personal energy. Engage in the lives of others appropriately but not to your detriment.

The most important fact to remember is that TIME is the most valuable and irreplaceable resource…not money.   Spend some money to slow your roll and free up your life, so you will have TIME to enjoy it.

Ditching the Doormat Syndrome

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What If……

  1. You planned a solo vacation to relax after several hectic months in your work and personal life.
  2. In general conversation, you shared this information with an acquaintance.
  3. Within 24 hours, the acquaintance called you up to tell you she had purchased an airline ticket to your destination and plan to share your hotel room.

How would you respond?

  1. Tell the acquaintance that you planned a solo vacation and do not want a hotel roommate.
  2. Allow the acquaintance to infringe on your plans and suffer in silence – wasting your money and your vacation leave to be miserable.

This is an actual situation that a friend shared with me recently.  I begged her to respond with option #1 but she told me she could not do it.    Even though she was clearly upset about it, she could not find the power within herself to voice her feelings to her acquaintance.

As women, we are socialized to be the “compromiser” in our relationships.   Sometimes that balancing act creates a situation where we are perceived as “doormats” by others.   Sometimes we start to believe it, too, and our behavior reflects it.

Some of us find it extremely difficult to say “No” to others.   Some of us value the opinions of others more than our own opinions.  Some of us allow others to disrespect us.    These are all signs of the “doormat” syndrome and the need to establish some boundaries.

Here are some considerations for setting boundaries:

Consider yourself as #1 in your own life.    Adopt my mantra – no one can treat me better than me.

Know yourself.   Identify what is tolerable and intolerable to you in your various relationships.

Go with your feelings.    If you are having negative feelings during an interaction with someone then you should examine those feelings to determine the internal root cause of them.   Be OK with your discovery.

Communicate clearly.   We have varying styles of communication with others in our relationships.  Choose the best method of communication that will clearly state your boundary to others even if it varies by individual.

Beware of compromising to your detriment.   You may experience feelings of guilt, fear of rejection, self-doubt which may lead to contemplating your boundaries.    Don’t succumb to it.

It is OK to feel outraged when someone infringes on you.  It is OK to voice your feelings in those situations.   It is OK to set “healthy” boundaries in your romantic, peer, and familial relationships.   It is OK to love yourself so much that you absolutely refuse to be disrespected.

QUESTION(S)

Have you ever felt like a doormat in a romantic, peer, and/or familial relationship?