GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Queendom

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Imagine.

You have an all-expenses-paid business trip for one week in beautiful San Francisco.   You decide to splurge and treat your Boo with an airline ticket to fly out and join you.   He adjusts his schedule and joins you.   It starts out wonderfully.   By mid-week, you decide to skip out on the afternoon conference sessions for some shopping.   You swing by the hotel to grab your Boo, but he tells you to go on without him because he wants to relax and continue to watch ESPN.   What do you do?

  1. Give him a peck on the cheek as you head out shopping hopefully with his credit card in your purse.
  2. Take off your pantyhose and watch ESPN with him.
  3. Throw a tantrum, throw him out of the hotel room, and inform him to find his way home since you bought his airline ticket.

I know someone who was in the drama of #3.  True story.

Let’s be honest.  Some of us would rather dictate to than relate to another person.  We have a fantasy in our mind about the relationship, and the other person is just a character in that fiction.

The attitude is “this is my world – Queendom –, and you’re just in it.”

Some of you may find a man that will agree with you – probably for his personal reasons.  However, most of you will find someone who will eventually say “to hell with you” and go on his merry way.     As they say, even the most faithful dog will leave if you kick him long enough.  Then your relation-breaking cycle starts all over again.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being in your Queendom as long as you’re okay with it.   Being alone and having an occasional visitor is comfortable for some.  But, if you want a long-term, lasting relationship you got to let down the drawbridge and relate.

Now for those who may have difficulty identifying controlling behaviors within, here are a few signs to look for within yourself.

  1. You are impossible to please and can’t avoid complaining. You can find fault with “manna from heaven.”
  2. Without your input, nothing is done right.
  3. You are not interested in another’s point of view.
  4. You cannot tolerate criticism.
  5. You find flaws in the independent decisions of others and don’t mind telling them about it.
  6. You are envious of those who are smarter than you or can perform better than you.
  7. You are reluctant to trust the judgment and capabilities of others.

Controlling behavior will murder any relationship especially a romantic one.   The most important thing each of us as human beings – women – should accept is the only person you can really control is Y-O-U.

Slow Your “Roll”

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Recently, I went out to lunch with a friend and coworker.   When I got into her car, there were four wigs in it.  One on her head and three lying in a pile on the front passenger seat.  My friend quickly grabbed the wigs and tossed them on the backseat.   I got in the car and looked at her.  I guess my look said it all because before I could speak my thoughts, she told me, “Girl, I know.”  It was clear it was time for some self-evaluation.

I asked her what the heck was going on in her life that she was riding around with wigs in the front seat of her car.   She told me how busy her life had been in recent months and how she would choose a hairdo to put on while driving to the office.   All I could say was “Girl, slow your roll.”

Now, for those who may not understand that statement, “roll” or “rolling” is an informal description (slang) that describes the movement of a person through their daily tasks, chores, etc.  My SisterGirlfriends and I use this term all of the time.   When we say to each other “slow your roll”, it is sufficient to gently admonish one another to stop and take care of ourselves.

There are times when life gets busy, and then there are times when a person is flat out overwhelmed.

   Here are some indicators that you’ve been zombified:

  1. You are dressing in your car while driving to your destination.
  2. You are warned and choose to skip car maintenance tasks until your vehicle stops working.
  3. You are eating out daily because you don’t have time to compile a grocery list and shop for food to stock your kitchen.
  4. You are losing your purse, keys, glasses, wallet…something…every other day.
  5. You are not managing your communication channels (voicemail box is full, don’t check email for weeks, missed calls).
  6. You arrive home and realize you should be at another destination.
  7. You are overly involved in managing other “grown folks” business instead of your own.
  8. You schedule vacation, but you take your laptop so you can log in to work/office.

Now, you may have to plan a few days of downtime just to regroup so you can think about slowing down but it will be worth it.   Once you get rested up, here are some tips to kick off and get you on the right track.

Tips for “Slowing Your Roll”

  1. Get organized. Make use of your smartphone with the apps to help you with making notes, tracking tasks, and keeping schedules/calendars.
  2. Plan your errand route, so you are not driving all over the city. If you have to go to the brick and mortar locations for shopping, banking, laundry cleaners, etc., use the locations close to your office so you can manage it on a lunch break or en route to/from the office.
  3. Spread errands out during the week and strive to keep weekends free for downtime or pleasurable activities.
  4. Acknowledge you can’t do everything yourself and delegate or pay for housework/lawn care.
  5. When you schedule downtime, stick with it. Plan something fun to do or just relax at a spa.  You need to place yourself first in your schedule because no one else will.
  6. Take a periodic vacation at least for one week a year. Stepping away from your daily life and doing something entirely different is very refreshing.
  7. Learn to say NO to anything that will drain your time and personal energy. Engage in the lives of others appropriately but not to your detriment.

The most important fact to remember is that TIME is the most valuable and irreplaceable resource…not money.   Spend some money to slow your roll and free up your life, so you will have TIME to enjoy it.

Ditching the Doormat Syndrome

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What If……

  1. You planned a solo vacation to relax after several hectic months in your work and personal life.
  2. In general conversation, you shared this information with an acquaintance.
  3. Within 24 hours, the acquaintance called you up to tell you she had purchased an airline ticket to your destination and plan to share your hotel room.

How would you respond?

  1. Tell the acquaintance that you planned a solo vacation and do not want a hotel roommate.
  2. Allow the acquaintance to infringe on your plans and suffer in silence – wasting your money and your vacation leave to be miserable.

This is an actual situation that a friend shared with me recently.  I begged her to respond with option #1 but she told me she could not do it.    Even though she was clearly upset about it, she could not find the power within herself to voice her feelings to her acquaintance.

As women, we are socialized to be the “compromiser” in our relationships.   Sometimes that balancing act creates a situation where we are perceived as “doormats” by others.   Sometimes we start to believe it, too, and our behavior reflects it.

Some of us find it extremely difficult to say “No” to others.   Some of us value the opinions of others more than our own opinions.  Some of us allow others to disrespect us.    These are all signs of the “doormat” syndrome and the need to establish some boundaries.

Here are some considerations for setting boundaries:

Consider yourself as #1 in your own life.    Adopt my mantra – no one can treat me better than me.

Know yourself.   Identify what is tolerable and intolerable to you in your various relationships.

Go with your feelings.    If you are having negative feelings during an interaction with someone then you should examine those feelings to determine the internal root cause of them.   Be OK with your discovery.

Communicate clearly.   We have varying styles of communication with others in our relationships.  Choose the best method of communication that will clearly state your boundary to others even if it varies by individual.

Beware of compromising to your detriment.   You may experience feelings of guilt, fear of rejection, self-doubt which may lead to contemplating your boundaries.    Don’t succumb to it.

It is OK to feel outraged when someone infringes on you.  It is OK to voice your feelings in those situations.   It is OK to set “healthy” boundaries in your romantic, peer, and familial relationships.   It is OK to love yourself so much that you absolutely refuse to be disrespected.

QUESTION(S)

Have you ever felt like a doormat in a romantic, peer, and/or familial relationship?

Be For Real

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MaskLast week, I received an email with a notification that I had a new follower on Twitter.    The name of the new follower was John Legend.    I blinked when I saw the name.    I checked and it was his face on the profile.   I immediately clicked on the FOLLOW button to follow him, too.  I grabbed my cell phone and texted my fellow blogger/writer/sister-girlfriend to tell her the news.  Then I jumped up from my desk and did the happy dance around my home office.    Soon her reply came back, “You go, girl” and I was so thrilllllllllleeeeeeeeedddddddddd!

Then my rational mind kicked in.   My first thought was “Why is John Legend following me?”    My second thought was “What did I write that would interest him?”     So, I clicked on the link which took me to the twitter page of this John Legend and the first thing I noticed was that he only had about 6,700 followers.  (What the hell?)  Then I looked at his @twitterid which was a series of numbers and alphabets.   Even though he had pictures of John Legend on his profile I realized that my new follower was a fake, a bogus, and a sham.    I immediately clicked on the UNFOLLOW button.

With a bad taste in my mouth, I texted my fellow blogger/writer/sister-girlfriend to update her on the imitation John Legend.    She sympathized with me and told me to try to hold on to my “thrill” as long as I could.    I tried but the whole experience made me think about those people who go through life pretending to be something or someone else which sometimes wreak havoc on the lives of others.

A few days after my personal incident, I read the news about Rachel Dolezal.   The entire news story was really mind-boggling to me.

Why would anyone want to assume an identity that is not their own?    What type of compulsion would motivate one to attempt it?    How long can one wear such a mask?

The one thing we all know is life is short.    The older you get the shorter it seems.   You reach a point where it is time out for “bullshiggity” in your personal realm.   You embrace who you are and what you are about in life.    Hopefully, we all make it to that point and can be an encouraging example to others to do the same.

The best thing you can do for you, your loved ones, and the society you live in is to just be for real and avoid those who are not.

QUESTION(S):

How do you feel about phony people?

The Make-Do Woman – When YOU are “Doing” Everything to “Make” It Work

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Two skills that I learned early in life were listening and observing.    I am naturally inquisitive and intuitive about those closest to me.   As a kid at family gatherings, I would soon become bored with playing with the other kids so I would go and spy on the adults.   Now, when I look at old photographs of those family gatherings I laugh when I see my little head peeking around a door or over some sitting adult’s shoulder – the only child in the picture.

My favorite spot to hangout back then was the kitchen.   I loved it there because the women of the family would be there cooking and talking.   It always smelled fabulous in there and the discussions were lively.   I got to know my mother, grandmothers and aunts very well by listening to those discussions and observing their body language.   As for the men in the family, I compared them all to my Dad and he always was the better man.

As I grew older, I noticed some puzzling behaviors among the women.  I noticed that a few of my aunts were their happiest when their husbands were not around.   I recall visiting my aunts when my uncles would be at work or out.  My aunts would be upbeat and very engaged with us children.   Later, when I visited while my uncles were at home, my aunts were sometimes “taking naps” alone in their darken bedrooms for hours or unusually silent in their engagements with us.   Their demeanors would be so drastically different that it was alarming enough to me to mention to my Mom.    However, the men in the family were always the same.    The “why?” of it remained a mystery for me until I reached adulthood.

As I grew up into womanhood and entered into adult relationships, I often reflected on those memories of my aunts.    Now, some of them had different meanings because I was older and wiser.   I know now that two of my aunts were battling “circumstantial” depression which resulted in one being institutionalized later in life.  Another one was actually being physically and emotionally abused by her husband.  These were hard realizations for me because all of my aunts were very good and loving to me.    I witnessed how they did everything in their power to make their marriages work and to be good wives.   They all remained married until “death” parted them from their husbands.   It was not all happy for them but I guess they remained for reasons I cannot understand.

I know now that watching the lives of my aunts influenced me about marriage and commitment.   It seems to me that women “do” everything to “make” the relationship work and most men are reluctant to do the same.   I termed this type of woman the Make-Do Woman.   The Make-Do woman is willing to concede, to compromise, to justify, to rationalize, and to minimize something within her personhood to continue with a relationship that has gone bad.

I wish I can say it only happened in the generations before mine but there are brilliant, strong, and competent women today that are enduring this situation in their lives.   They probably don’t see themselves as I have described here but only as someone who can’t “throw in the towel” yet.   But, if the women are the only ones trying to save the relationship, I challenged them to re-evaluate their motivations.   I challenged them to embrace self-preservation.  I challenged them to answer truthfully this question – “If you are crying more than you are smiling/laughing, is it worth it to stay?”

QUESTION(S):

Do you personally know any “Make-Do” women?  If so, pass this post on to her.

What do you think about my description of the Make-Do Woman?

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