GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

He’s JUST a Man

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_DSC1998-EditRecently, I was asked for advice from a beautiful twenty-something young woman who is helping me to rediscover fitness in my life.    She needed some dating advice and I was flattered that she thought I could offer some helpful information to her.  After all, it has been awhile since I was twenty-something.

This young woman had recently reconnected with a male friend that she had worked with in the past.   He surprised her by confessing his feelings were more than friendship and asked if she would come and visit him as he lived in another city.   She was excited but apprehensive about this and asked my thoughts.

The first thing I did was to ask her about her feelings regarding his revelation and requests.   Her answers were very mature for her age.   She explained that she liked this young man and wanted to get to know him better “in a more-than-a-friendship way”.   However, she was concerned about going to his city and wanted to take things slow.  She wondered how to convey this to him.

I told her to tell him to come to her city (her “turf”)  for a visit and to tell him her boundaries.   She was amazed at my advice.   She asked, “Are you sure I can tell him my boundaries?   Is that okay?”    I laughed and told her it is perfectly fine for her to tell him her boundaries.   I asked her why she thought it would not be okay.   Her reply was, “Because he’s a man!”    I laughed and told her, “Yes, that’s right – he’s JUST a man”.     Her eyes lit up and she smiled.   I knew she understood.

It is important for young women (and some old ones, too) to understand that it is okay to have standards and boundaries for your relational life.    There was a time that women were considered “the prize” and she set the tone of the relationship.   Somehow that has gotten turned around and some of us are living a chameleon life.  We give a lot of energy trying to be a pleaser because we don’t want to be alone. Don’t lower your standards.   When you start contemplating them remind yourself….. “He’s JUST a man”.

QUESTION(S): What do you think about having dating standards?

 

The Best Things in Life #5 – Good Love

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Even though there have probably been more than a billion words written on the subject of LOVE, I feel compelled to send my words out into the world about it.   After all, it is Valentine’s Day – heart boxthe day for lovers.   Gifts will be given – candy, flowers, chocolate, jewelry, etc. and romantic dinners will be shared.  The retailers will be thrilled as they count their sales.   But, in my opinion, the best gift for Valentine’s Day cost nothing and should be given often – Good Love.

I believe good love is the aspiration of every couple with the pursuit of it bringing excitement to the relationship.    Good love is specific to each couple and should evolve with their personal growth so that the relationship does not grow stagnant.   Some aspects of good love should always seem elusive because the feeling that you have totally acquired it is the first step in taking it for granted.

And, with LOVE you should never take anything for granted.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

QUESTIONS:

How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

What do you think about “good love”?

The Hubby Track

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1038415_HiResAs I mentioned in a previous post, I am always eavesdropping in public places.   As a writer, this is one of the methods we study dialogue so that the characters in our stories are unique in their speech.   So, you can only imagine some of the interesting unlikely conversations that I overhear.

One Monday morning at my “day job”, I overheard a conversation between two men about their weekend activities.   I love listening to discussions between men because, as a female writing about relationships, it is difficult to write from the male point of view.   It is even better when they think no one is listening like on this day when there was a cubicle wall between them and me.

One of the guys had the normal “guy” weekend and there was nothing noteworthy for me.   However, the other guy’s weekend was very interesting and humorous.    He mentioned that he had gone out on a first date with someone he met at the home of another friend.    He said that the date was going okay until the young woman started asking him all types of questions.   When asked what type of questions by his workmate, he replied, “Well, it felt like I was on a job interview.”   Now, this guy was from London, so just imagine hearing the exasperation in that statement with his accent.   I burst out laughing.  I could not help it.

Of course, they heard me and stopped talking.   I stood up and apologized explaining that I could not help but overhear the conversation.   I told him his date was ensuring that he was not a waste of her time.   He was puzzled so I told him a few things that cleared it up for him.  He was amazed that I guessed his date was established in her career and nearing the age of 30.   I explained to Mr. London that his date was on the “hubby track”.

The pressure “to marry” for some women can sometimes become a toxic situation.   This pressure can come from family, friends and definitely from the fact that there are more females in the population than males.   Therefore, some women are destined to remain single.  There are some women who do not want to be counted in that number and Mr. London’s date was one of those women.   Also, the horrible truth is that some women judge other women not by their individual successes, not by their contribution to society but by the fact of their marital status.   This is the ultimate pressure – how you are viewed by your peers.

In my own family, I have a relative who had a different fiancée at every family gathering attended to the point I was getting them mixed-up!   It was as if she had a wedding photo ready with a silhouette for a husband and any man available could replace that silhouette.   Needless to say, I was worried for her and I am still worried for her.   She has now been married multiple times and even now is unhappy in her current marriage.  I want to tell her it is okay to be single and that is okay just to get off the “hubby track”.

Now, I am a woman who believes in love and marriage.   I also believe that a woman should take the necessary time to look for the signs of a keeper (as stated in my earlier post of the same name) during the course of interacting with a prospective mate.  In time, you will know if he is the one for YOU.  However, if you are “hubby job interviewing” dates and/or mentally marrying every man you date, you need to take a break from the “hubby track” and investigate your chief motivating force.   It is my belief that you will find you are acting out of some fear – which is the wrong reason to be on the “hubby track”.

QUESTIONS:

Do you think that some women judge other women by their marital status?

Have you ever known someone that could have possibly been on the “hubby track”?  If so, can you share their outcome?

Signs of A Keeper

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I think there must be something about me that encourages persons to open up and share their relational concerns.  This has happened with men and women but mostly women.   When this happens I try to be neutral because I am on the outside looking in so I just turn on my listening ears.   I have surmised that the root cause of most of the issues is that some of us are ignoring the signs of relational differences and proceeding on with the idea that the other relational partner will change.   You can be sure they are thinking the same thing about you.

There are some things in a relationship that should be negotiable and there are some things that should be non-negotiable.  Here are a few things that I think you should consider non-negotiable and closely review before proceeding on in a relationship.

Strong Work Ethic – The Bible says if you don’t work you don’t eat.  The psychology of a real man is that he needs something to do and someone to protect.    So, girlfriend, he needs to have a blue collar, white collar, entrepreneurial state of mind.     You may not need him to bring home ALL of the bacon but he needs to bring home SOME of the bacon.

Walks His Talk – Some of us get mesmerized by all the sweet loving words and promises that are being said to us.   You need to make absolute sure that his ACTions are lining up with his words.  If he says that you are the world to him, he needs to treat you like you are the world to him.

Humility – He needs to believe in and honor a being/power superior than himself.   It is as simple as that.

Honor Thy Mother –   Girlfriend, you need to check that relationship with his Momma.  If he has a healthy relationship with the women in his family, you can expect that he knows how to have a healthy relationship with you.

Not Funny with the Money –   When you start thinking matrimony you need to also remember that most states are community property.  So you need to discover if you and your partner are on the same wavelength about money and financial health.   If you are not on the same wavelength, my advice – – – RUN…….in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

These are just a few non-negotiable traits I thought of but I am sure you get the gist of it.  Hopefully, you can determine a few more for yourself.   It is important for you to know what you are looking for in a relationship and not to compromise on those non-negotiable traits.

In reading “Comfort of Fences” by Stacy Overman Morrison, I was drawn to this statement made by matriarch Miss Betsy in a discussion with her daughter-in-law, Ruth. Miss Betsy knew what she wanted in her mate.

“Different girls want different things in marriage,” she continued. “I wanted a man who would be good to me and good for me. Finding that isn’t easy. I seen so many girls get married because the feeling they get, not ‘cause of the sense it makes. Marriage has to make sense, if you want it to work, anyways. Will made sense. He talked to me like I was as important a person as he was. At first that didn’t mean much because I figured he was some poor kid like me. It took a week of talking about me before he talked about himself. That’s when I began to gather who and what he was: a rich kid wishing he could paint instead of wade through cow manure on a South Texas ranch. 

We could all learn from Miss Betsy’s example.

QUESTIONS:

How do you feel about having negotiable and non-negotiable traits for a prospective mate?

What do you think about Miss Betsy’s comment?

Let’s Get It On – (But Not Too Soon!)

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It’s the first date and it went FABULOUS!    He has a body like Adonis, a face like Narcissus and all the gentlemanly manners your mother told you to look for in a man.    You’re feeling beautiful, confident, and relaxed when he walks you to your door.   You invite him inside for a nightcap.    He comes in and you share the first kiss.   The situation heats up, it has been more than 6 months since you have been intimate and you realize that you are in the arms of Adonis himself!     What should a red-blooded, fully grown woman do?

 If you want a serious relationship with him, send him home.

          I know that advice sounds antiquated and prudish but believe me when I tell you that he wants you to send him home.    He will “try” you (test you) to see what you will do so he can determine your actions when you meet other men.   Based on your response, he will decide whether you are a keeper or a temporary fling.

          How do I know?   I asked a few male friends/co-workers and they told me.   Also, I witnessed some incidents with male friends and relatives.  Once I was out at a Latin restaurant/dance club with a girlfriend and two male friends.   We all were in a salsa dance class together and decided to go out and practice at a “live” club.   We had a great time dancing together and watching the other dancers.   My girlfriend and I decided to leave so the guys were walking us to the valet booth to wait with us for our car.   When we stood up from the table, a very attractive young woman rushed up to one of our male friends and said “I hope you are not leaving now!”  

          “Sam” (not his real name) was a little taken aback but he told her that he was only walking us to get our car and that he would return.    As he walked us out, I asked him did he know her.  He told us no that he had never seen her before but he was definitely going back inside to look for her because she was “hot”.   We laughed together and departed. 

          About a week later, I called Sam and asked him what happened that night.   He told me the young lady followed him to his home and spent the night.   I asked him if he was going to see her again.    His answer was an emphatic “No”.  I asked him for the reason and he told me that she was too desperate and too “easy” with someone she had just met.   Even though he had slept with her he was disappointed that she had responded the way she did.

          One of those sayings from the women of yesterday is “Leave something to the man’s imagination”.    They believed you should do this in your choice of clothing and in the manner you carried yourself in his company.   I think this advice is still valid today.

 If you still doubt me, just think of the words of some of the love songs from some of the greatest male singers (who I believe are singing for all men):

  In “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye, Marvin says “Giving yourself to me can never be wrong if the love is true.”   It doesn’t sound like he just met her.

 In “Living for the Love of You” by the Isley Brothers, the very first line says it all “Drifting on a memory, ain’t no place I’d rather be than with you”.   You can’t have a memory of a person you just met.

 In “Just My Imagination” by the Temptations, they sing about a man who spends all of his time daydreaming about a beautiful life with a woman he sees everyday but who is unaware of his feelings………yet he is longing to “know” her.

So, ladies, if you are being held by Adonis and need to say “No” gracefully, use a statement that I had to think of in the heat of the moment but it came straight from my heart………”When we make love, I want us to really know one another.”    If he is a keeper, he will wait patiently and adoringly until you are ready.

So, meanwhile, wait and get it on when the time is truly right!

 QUESTION(S):

  Do you think my advice is antiquated?   If so, explain.

Do you think sex and intimacy are the same?

Do you think intimacy is possible on the first date?