Friendship Archives - GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Ditching the Doormat Syndrome

October 6, 2016 By Elaine Gray

What If……

You planned a solo vacation to relax after several hectic months in your work and personal life.
In general conversation, you shared this information with an acquaintance.
Within 24 hours, the acquaintance called you up to tell you she had purchased an airline ticket to your destination and plan to share your hotel room.

How would you respond?

Tell the acquaintance that you planned a solo vacation and do not want a hotel roommate.
Allow the acquaintance to infringe on your plans and suffer in silence – wasting your money and your vacation leave to be miserable.

This is an actual situation that a friend shared with me recently. I begged her to respond with option #1 but she told me she could not do it. Even though she was clearly upset about it, she could not find the power within herself to voice her feelings to her acquaintance.

As women, we are socialized to be the “compromiser” in our relationships. Sometimes that balancing act creates a situation where we are perceived as “doormats” by others. Sometimes we start to believe it, too, and our behavior reflects it.

Some of us find it extremely difficult to say “No” to others. Some of us value the opinions of others more than our own opinions. Some of us allow others to disrespect us. These are all signs of the “doormat” syndrome and the need to establish some boundaries.

Here are some considerations for setting boundaries:

Consider yourself as #1 in your own life. Adopt my mantra – no one can treat me better than me.

Know yourself. Identify what is tolerable and intolerable to you in your various relationships.

Go with your feelings. If you are having negative feelings during an interaction with someone then you should examine those feelings to determine the internal root cause of them. Be OK with your discovery.

Communicate clearly. We have varying styles of communication with others in our relationships. Choose the best method of communication that will clearly state your boundary to others even if it varies by individual.

Beware of compromising to your detriment. You may experience feelings of guilt, fear of rejection, self-doubt which may lead to contemplating your boundaries. Don’t succumb to it.

It is OK to feel outraged when someone infringes on you. It is OK to voice your feelings in those situations. It is OK to set “healthy” boundaries in your romantic, peer, and familial relationships. It is OK to love yourself so much that you absolutely refuse to be disrespected.

QUESTION(S)

Have you ever felt like a doormat in a romantic, peer, and/or familial relationship?

Reflections from the SisterGirlfriend MeetUp 2016 in St. Maarten

August 25, 2016 By Elaine Gray

The tagline for this blog site is “Learning from YOU to empower ME.” The appropriateness of this tagline became evident during the recent SisterGirlfriend MeetUp 2016. Six women gathered together on the beautiful island of St. Maarten for a week away from their everyday lives. It has been almost 2 months since we returned and I am just now posting about it. I was delayed because I stepped back into my busy life and it became even busier. However, the time I spent rejuvenating on that tropical island helped prepare me. You see, that’s what the trip is primarily all about – rejuvenating and recharging – to step back refreshed into your daily life.
The Resort Experience
My first impression of our resort was not a good one. I must admit that I was disappointed because there was no “WOW” factor when I stepped into the lobby. After I settled in later, I determined the resort was comfortable, clean, and cozy with complete amenities. The food and drinks were good, the overall service was excellent, the nightly entertainment provided good music and great singers, and the other guests were very participative when I invited them all up on the dance floor with me each night.

Our beach view was fantastic. If we were in our room, on the patio, by the pool or on the beach, we had a fabulous view of the pristine ocean and green mountains across Great Bay where the cruise ships parked on the pier. On some evenings, we enjoyed good conversation relaxing in front of the large opened windows where we enjoyed the cool breeze and full moon hanging over the ocean.

Carousing Around the Island

We did venture out as a group to enjoy the island. Our first adventure was a history tour of the island. We wanted to learn about this small island and the mixture of the cultures – Natives, Dutch, French and African. We were impressed that the tour guide included so much information about the contributions of the African slaves to the economy and culture of St. Maarten. The statues of these two women of African descent were impressive. There is one on the French side of the island that is reminiscent of our great lady in New York Harbor. The other one on the Dutch side of the island has a missing breast which was her punishment for attempting to escape to freedom on the French side of the island as they abolished slavery first.

Our next adventure involved hanging out on the beach. We spent the day on the famous Orient Bay Beach. Since 1994, I wanted to return to this beach and stroll nude across it but that was only a dream. Instead we enjoyed cool drinks served by hot, sexy French guys while we people-watched on the beach. It is nothing like an ice-cold Heineken on the beach. We also enjoyed mouth-watering burgers at the beach side restaurant that hosted our excursion.

On our last outing, we decided to visit the other Sonesta resort near the airport. Now, this resort had the WOW factor and was a newer resort. It was beautiful but it did not have the fantastic ocean view that we enjoyed at the other resort plus it was too close to the airport with all of the noise of incoming/departing flights.

SisterGirlfriend Discussions
The highlight of the SisterGirlfriend MeetUp is the discussions we have throughout the rejuvenating week. Some of them occur via a planned activity where we choose a topic card and respond to the surprising question on the card. Other times our discussions are impromptu and we flow from one topic to another with the ease of longtime friends even though some of us have just met. We share, we laugh, and sometimes we cry. It is liberating, enlightening and empowering. Whatever happens, it is always in a very caring and healing way. The openness of these moments forges bonds among the group as we listen to one another in a non-judgmental way. We all leave from these discussions enriched and inspired.

Overall, we all enjoyed our time in paradise. The ingredients of sun, moon, ocean, mountains, palm trees, and gentle breezes will always ensure a successful SisterGirlfriend Meetup.

Best Things in Life #16 – Sharing Excitement

January 20, 2016 By Elaine Gray

Sometimes we can speak our thoughts into existence. Some years ago, when my life was very lackluster and routine, I told one of my sistergirlfriends that I needed more excitement in my life. It seemed the words had just popped out of my mouth when excitement became my new best experience. I soon discovered that the most excitement occurs when it is shared with a good friend.

One of my most memorable exciting experiences occurred in Atlanta, GA. I had just changed careers from Accounting to Information Technology. This was at a time when there were very few women, especially women of color, in this field. I was attending my first industry conference. The first thing I learned upon my arrival was there were plenty of men in this field and they all did NOT look like nerds.

At the opening session, I literally bumped into another woman of color as we both were coming out of the auditorium doors. We quickly bonded, learned a lot in our respective conference sessions, and enjoyed our free time meeting new colleagues – especially the male colleagues. All of this mingling led to what became our memorable exciting experience.

Normally, at these conferences, there was always an elaborate closing session with star-quality entertainment. We were excited because we heard The Temptations would be performing. So, one morning, I was walking in the hotel hallway heading to my first session when I saw this guy step out of his room and started walking toward me. He was staring at me so hard that it made me a little uncomfortable and I think it showed on my face. He noticed and apologized. He stated that he had been touring in Japan and it was just nice to be back home around the sisters. He then explained that he was part of the band (guitar player) for The Temptations. I rushed to tell my new best girlfriend that it was confirmed that the Temptations were in the hotel.

Later, during that same day, we got on the elevator and there was one of the strongest men I had ever seen. He was in a small group of other men. One of them introduced himself and told us he was over security for The Temptations. He confirmed to us they were performing that night and suggested that we get as close to the stage as possible. So, we did.

We had the closing session speech, the dinner, and then it was time for the entertainment. The Temptations came on stage and we were right up front singing right along with them. Then, suddenly, one of the Temptations announced they wanted someone from the audience to come up on stage and sing with them. The huge bodyguard came right over to us and reached out his hand. I stepped back because I was too chicken to attempt to sing with them. My new best girlfriend reached out her hand and grabbed the bodyguard’s arm. He lifted her as if she was a feather onto the stage. The music started and she sung “My Girl” with The Temptations! She was FABULOUS!

I was so excited and tried to take as many pictures as I could. Of course, this was pre-digital so we did not know until later that I had chopped off a few heads on a couple of pictures. Overall, it was SO exciting and my new best girlfriend told me it was a dream come true for her. Needless to say, we have been sistergirlfriends for a couple of decades now and we still get excited when we reminisce on this memorable moment in our lives.

QUESTION(S):

Have you experienced and shared an exciting moment with a friend?

If so, please share.

Sister-Girlfriend MeetUp 2015 – Rejuvenating on the Mexican Riviera

August 3, 2015 By Elaine Gray

Blue ocean waves. Soft sandy beaches. Sunny skies. Mango Mojitos and Pina Coladas. Gourmet meals and superb service. Hot men with sexy “Os” at the end of their names (i.e., Julio, Eduardo, Alejandro, Francisco, Ricardo). A beautiful resort with colorful manicured gardens, state-of-the art amenities and live entertainment. Ancient ruins. These were the ingredients that gave us the ultimate pleasure on the 2^nd Sister-Girlfriend MeetUp in Playa del Carmen on the Mexican Riviera.

We were a small group but that did not diminish the rejuvenation, bonding, and laughter that we shared. There was more interest in the event but there were some ladies that were concerned about traveling to Mexico due to the news media reports that we receive frequently here in the U.S. However, I can tell you there was not one moment that I ever felt unsafe. From the moment we arrived in the Cancun airport the service was superb, the service people were attentive, courteous, and helpful. It remained the same until we departed the Cancun airport after the trip was over to return home.

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Our resort was FABULOUS! I give high kudos to my travel agent (Brenda Johnson of Explosive Travels – http://www.explosivetravels.com) for her recommendation. This resort far exceeded our expectations. I was expecting the traditional Mexican hacienda styled resort that I had experienced in Acapulco (Fairmont Acapulco Princess) and Puerto Vallarta (Barcelo La Jolla de Mismaloya) but I was pleasantly surprised by the modern-style and clean lines of the Karisma Azul Fives Resort. The décor of the common areas and villas were beautiful which really enhanced the comfy feeling of the resort. We fell in love with the décor of the restroom in the lobby and I took a picture of one decorative item that I plan to have my handyman create for me. Even though the resort was full to capacity I did not ever feel any common amenity was over-crowded.

The information we gathered about the resort indicated that the food was gourmet class and we were not disappointed. Every morsel I put in my mouth was scrumptious and the presentations on my plate were a work of art.

We had 24 hour room service, a fully-stocked FREE mini-bar in our room, 7 restaurants onsite, and 2 cantinas to grab something quick. There was also a wonderful coffee house where we could relax on comfy chairs and sofas to read/chat while we sipped coffee or tea. All of the food venues were included in the vacation package so there was no extra cost. During my everyday life, I seldom drink alcoholic beverages but when I am on vacation it is a different matter. On this trip, I discovered Mango Mojitos and the rum in it was smooth yet potent. My companions reported the same thing about their drinks.

The beach was all that I expected in the Caribbean. It was a spectacular place for reading and relaxing. The pool butlers brought us towels, drinks, and snacks as we reclined on our canopied lounger right on the beach. We met some wonderful people on the beach and they were mostly from Europe and South America.

There was also a great gym with state of the art equipment and exercise classes near the beach. A couple of us enjoyed an early morning stretching class with an ocean view. There were also wonderful paths between all of the villas and surrounding the resort which was great for walking and jogging. One of the sister-girlfriends made a new friend walking on those paths. Check him out!

In addition to enjoying the resort, we felt safe enough to take a 6-hour roundtrip tour to the 7^th wonder of the Modern world – Chichen Itza (http://www.chichenitza.com). We all felt since we were so close it was worth it to experience the tour. Along the route, we stopped and had lunch at an authentic Mayan village and visited a 200 feet deep Cenote. For those who have never heard of a cenote (like me) it is an underground water source in the Mayan jungle. If you saw the 2006 movie Apocalypto (directed by Mel Gibson), you will remember it. There are thousands of them in the Mayan jungle. None of us were daring enough to swim in the one we visited but some of the others on the tour did. Click the following link to see the video of it.

Here are more pictures of the underground cenote.

Touring Chichen Itza was amazing. We could not climb up the steps because it is no longer allowed. It seemed some spring breakers spray painted it once with graffiti. Also, some intoxicated persons fell to their deaths from the top. So, it is now closed for climbing and exploring. We had an excellent tour guide who was a wealth of information about the history of the Mayan people and human sacrifices at Chichen Itza. Even though I am not good on long bus rides, it was worth a little discomfort to experience this historical tour as the ancient Mayans were a brillant people

Overall, everything about this trip exceeded my expectations. My companions expressed the same thoughts. It was a wonderful setting to catch up and rejuvenate with your best friend. We all agreed that we could easily return to Playa del Carmen and the Mexican Riviera at some point in the future.

Special Thanks to my sister-girlfriend, Laura Garza, for sharing some of her wonderful photos of our trip.

Prejudice – A Learned Behavior

March 25, 2015 By Elaine Gray

Last week, we all heard about the young Anglo-American girl who wrote her African-American girl friend a letter to explain that her father would not allow her to attend her birthday party/sleepover because she was Black. This incident was really disheartening to everyone I spoke with about it because it was clearly a destruction of these young girls’ innocence and their friendship. As an African-American, this subject brought back memories of my own loss of innocence when I experienced prejudice for the first time.

Imagine the plight of minority parents. They have to find a way to prepare their child for this type of experience because they know one day they WILL encounter it in our society. In my home, my mother told us that there would be some people who would not like us because of the “color of our skin” but she told us that it was their problem. She assured us there was nothing wrong with the color our skin and we were made as God wanted us to be. Of course, I was very young and did not fully understand but I was comforted by the way my mother presented it to me and my siblings. When the experiences started to occur I was equipped to handle it. It was their problem, not mine. However, it was still painful.

As I reflect back, I realize that my earliest experience happened when I was about 5 or 6 years old. It was very subtle but very real. When I was that age Houston was segregated and I lived in a community of hard-working African-Americans. My mother was the African-American version of June Cleaver and my father was among the first African-American workers to integrate what is now known as the Houston Metropolitan Transit Authority. Across the street from our home lived a Polish family. They were one of the few Anglo families in our community and they were very nice to my family. Every summer, a young relative would come to visit. She was my age and we loved to play together. They would invite me over and I would play with her all day. I wanted her to come to my house to play and she wanted to come, too, but her aunt always said “No.” I asked my mother about it and all she said was Kitty was welcomed if her aunt allowed her to come. Kitty asked everyday and the answer was always the same. It was many years later that I realized the true reason Kitty could not come to my home to play. I always wondered if she came to realize the true reason, too. I guess we both were blessed that no one said it aloud.

It is a terrible thing when an adult teaches a child to hate. For some families, it is like a generational curse that is passed on. My family did not teach us to hate but they did teach us to be wary and to stand up against prejudice behavior.

I said a prayer for the African-American girl and her Anglo-American girl friend. I hope they are resilient and will bounce back from this situation. Children are truly colorblind and that is how friendship should be. We all should be led by them. We should look at each other and only see our friend.

QUESTION(S):

Did you know about this incident in the news?

If so, how do you feel about it?

Have you ever experienced prejudice?

If friendship was a color, what color do you think it would be?

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