GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

Show ME the LOVE ! – Kind and Thoughtful

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When thinking about the next two essential traits, KIND and THOUGHTFUL, I realized that they are synonyms to one another. We have all heard this description – “He is so kind and thoughtful!” – So it made sense to discuss these traits in the same post. The definition of both speaks of having the gentle nature and desire to help others, being considerate of others and bringing happiness to others.

A different statement often made about kindness is that the presence of it in a person is a sign of their weakness. The person that believes that is probably an abuser so be wary when you hear that from someone.

If you are seeking a mate, you want “kind and thoughtful” because that supports “for better and for worse, in sickness and in health” and leads to the caring required for a committed lifelong relationship. It is cool when he brings you flowers, chocolates, gifts on your birthday and other holidays. It is great when he opens all of the doors for you, runs out in the rain to get the car, and physically carries all the heavy items. However, in the case of illness, is he willing/capable of bringing you food, pain medicine, and change your adult diaper, if necessary? These are the real tests of kind and thoughtful.

QUESTION(s): How would you determine if a prospective mate is kind and thoughtful?

Show Me the LOVE ! – Respect

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T. We all remember how Aretha Franklin impressed those letters in our minds with her timeless song. Otis Redding, another great singer, also performed this song. I guess we can consider both songs the female and male version of that which is imperative to any relationship.

Respect is understanding that someone is important and treated in an appropriate way with a high and extraordinary regard. It is not enough to simply say “I respect you” to your mate. Your actions should be demonstrative of this understanding.

You should have an expectation that every interaction with your mate, including disagreements, will be tempered with respect. You should also have a defined consequence for any situation where you are disrespected, and it should be non-negotiable.

If you witness a date being disrespectful to others, then you should actively give consideration in continuing to date this person.

QUESTION(s):

Do you have a defined consequence for disrespectful situations?

Show Me the LOVE! – Humility

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Humility, regarding humbleness and deference, is one of the most important traits required to be able to relate to another human being.

Humbleness is the understanding that no one person is better than or lesser than another person and it allows one to have the capacity to love. If you are looking “down” on someone or looking “up” to someone, how can you truly see them and how can you truly know yourself? We tend to value others by external factors and chaos occurs when those elements fade or change. Invest your emotions in someone who values internal growth because that type of growth is usually lasting.

I knew a very confident young woman once who made a mistake in her life which caused depression for her. She lost her confidence and thought of herself as damaged (“less than”). Someone she trusted stepped right in and convinced her that he could “save” her from her plight. However, previously, he had secretly desired her confident self but felt unworthy and rejected. When he saw her depressed state, it was his opportunity to step on her to make himself feel “better than” in the relationship. This behavior was emotional abuse, and it soon turned into physical violence.

Deference is the belief that there is something greater than you and it allows one to be able to give for love. If you value the air you breathe, the sun and moon that lights your way, and your beating heart, then you do realize that there is a supreme being that has given you these things because of love. Seek the person that shares this same deference because they will know how to give those heartfelt intangibles to the relationship.

However, if you meet someone who credits all of his being and accomplishments to his merit, RUN!

QUESTION(s):

There are some who equate humility with weakness – especially in a man.

What do you think?

Show ME the LOVE ! – The Essential Relational Elements

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One of the matters that women tend to share with one another is their relational experiences with their mates.    In my circle of girlfriends and acquaintances, everyone seems to be content, but I must admit there are a couple of friends that warrant my concern.   Usually, I present myself as a sounding board only because I believe that each of us has a unique relational journey and my response to a situation may not be appropriate for another.    We all have our tolerance thresholds and ( since mine is low) I believe we should not impose them on others.

When someone decides to discuss their personal relationship with me I listen to the situation and inquire about the emotional health of my friend in an attempt to encourage her to take care of her health.    However, there have been a few situations where more probing questions were required because my belief system was challenged.    I concluded that some of us are ignoring obvious negative signs and entering into relationships/marriages when we should have sprinted through the nearest exit door away from that relationship.

Therefore, for this month where LOVE is the focus, I want to talk about the elements that should be present in a relationship BEFORE you take it into the commitment arena.    There are essential elements that should be present just because you are human beings and then there are others that develop as you take the appropriate time to relate to one another.       Here is my list:

HUMAN BASICS

Humility
Respect
Kindness
Thoughtfulness

RELATIONAL BASICS

Trust
Faithfulness
Adoration
Passion (Sexuality + Sensuality + Intimacy)
Humor

In my opinion, all of these elements should be present and non-negotiable before you start commingling your resources (time, assets, emotions, etc.).   However, I will confess that I am totally happy living alone and I have been told by some friends that they cannot live alone.    So, if you do compromise and accept a shorter list of these elements, just please don’t fool yourself into thinking he will CHANGE into what you want later because that “shiggity” never happens.

So, over the course of this month, I am going to write my opinion about each one of the elements of my “show me the love” list and, hopefully, it will help others in developing a kinder love relationship.

 

QUESTION(s):

What do you think about my list?    Would you add or delete any element?

 

Best Things in Life #15 – Language and Cultural Exchange

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Imagine.   Your sister-girlfriend has a job assignment in Rome for the next 2 years.   You decide to go and pay her a visit for 3 weeks and explore Rome.   She throws a party to introduce you to all of her newfound friends and co-workers.    Across the crowded room you spot someone smiling at you that looks like this:

 

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He is standing with your sister-girlfriend and her new man.  They start to walk over to you.   You become excited……. all over.   When they reach you and start the introductions you realize that you and Mr. Everything-Italian-Men-Are-Suppose-to-Be do not speak the same language!   OMG!    What is a hot and bothered woman to do?

Girlfriend, RUN to the next language class or grab a self-study language program (Rosetta Stone, Pimsleur will do) and get to it as soon as possible!

A similar situation happened in my personal life and I learned how to speak Spanish sufficiently in 3 months so that I could begin to know someone who became very special to me.   We both learned each other’s language so that we could communicate better and learned about each other’s culture.    This has led to my meeting other persons of the same culture to form other close friendships in my life.   When I have traveled to countries where Spanish is the primary language, I have been able to communicate with ease.   The experience really enriched my life.

I know as Americans we tend to think English is spoken everywhere and to learn to speak another language is optional.    Some of us even have a low opinion of persons who speak our language with an accent even though they may speak 2 -3 other languages.   Yet, when I have traveled abroad and spoke the native language with my accent, it was clear to me that my attempt was appreciated by the native people.   We need to change our views on speaking more than one language and be patient with those who speak our language as their second language.

If you have ever studied one of the Latin-based languages, you will recognize that English is a tough language to learn.    Also, you will know why they call the Latin-based languages the “Romance” languages because the way they phrase is so beautiful ….. especially when they are talking about LOVE.

So take the plunge.   Study a foreign language.  Learn a cultural dance.   Share a cultural meal.    Be prepared for the “Hola”, “Bonjour”, or “Ciao” that might walk across the room into your life.     Don’t allow cultural differences and language barriers to limit what could be a wonderful experience in your life.

****About the photo:   My photographer sister-girlfriend, Veronica Owens, went on a photo shoot journey across Italy and sent me my gift request of a photo of a handsome Italian man.

QUESTION(s)

How do you feel about learning another language?

Do you think it would be beneficial to your life?