GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

Suffer the Children – The Ultimate Consequence of Bad Choices

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Ice floesIt was with a heavy heart that I watched the news report in my hometown, Houston, on Monday as 8 hearses trailed in the funeral procession for the last journey of Valerie Jackson, her husband, Dwayne Jackson, and her six children – Nathaniel, Dwayne, Honesty, Caleb, Trinity and Jonah.    They were all murdered by David Conley and what was most horrifying is that one of the children he murdered was his own son.   For the past two weeks, we all have watched as the story behind this relationship triangle and subsequent tragedy unfolded.

You can read about the facts here at one of the many news stories about it:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/08/13/alleged-killer-of-6-children-says-they-were-becoming-monsters/

I am haunted about this entire situation because of the deaths of the children.    When I mull everything over in my thoughts I keep coming back to no one protected them – not the adults in their lives, not Child Protective Services, and not the court system.    When I think about the mother and the choices she made about the men in her life I feel the children suffered the consequences of those bad choices.    I keep thinking that they will never reach the fullness of their own lives.   It is totally none of my business but I am angry about that fact.

I know the mother was a victim of domestic violence many times over.    I know that experts in that arena caution society not to be judgmental towards victims of domestic violence.     I know the hope is that the victim will come to a realization and acquire the strength to make those choices necessary to become a survivor and a victor.

But, until the victim can get to that point, what happens in the meantime?     What happens when children suffer, are abused, and murdered?     What happens when the vicious cycle continues for years and years (as in this case)?     Where does the responsibility ultimately lie for one to progress from victim to victor?     How do we instill the survival instinct in a person so they will not become a victim of domestic violence?   How do we raise awareness in mothers that the persons they bring into their lives will impact their children lives?

Somehow we need to change the paradigm because the current one isn’t working.    When you have six children that have been brutally murdered because of the choices of the adults in their lives, it is time to re-evaluate and seek answers to the hard questions.    The buck stops somewhere and we need to determine exactly where that place resides.

As for the mass murderer, David Conley, he killed 2 adults and 6 children – in Texas.    Everyone knows that Justice always comes down swift and hard here.    Let us wait to see what happens.

QUESTION(S):

Did you read about these murders?    If so, please share your thoughts.

 

The Make-Do Woman – When YOU are “Doing” Everything to “Make” It Work

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Two skills that I learned early in life were listening and observing.    I am naturally inquisitive and intuitive about those closest to me.   As a kid at family gatherings, I would soon become bored with playing with the other kids so I would go and spy on the adults.   Now, when I look at old photographs of those family gatherings I laugh when I see my little head peeking around a door or over some sitting adult’s shoulder – the only child in the picture.

My favorite spot to hangout back then was the kitchen.   I loved it there because the women of the family would be there cooking and talking.   It always smelled fabulous in there and the discussions were lively.   I got to know my mother, grandmothers and aunts very well by listening to those discussions and observing their body language.   As for the men in the family, I compared them all to my Dad and he always was the better man.

As I grew older, I noticed some puzzling behaviors among the women.  I noticed that a few of my aunts were their happiest when their husbands were not around.   I recall visiting my aunts when my uncles would be at work or out.  My aunts would be upbeat and very engaged with us children.   Later, when I visited while my uncles were at home, my aunts were sometimes “taking naps” alone in their darken bedrooms for hours or unusually silent in their engagements with us.   Their demeanors would be so drastically different that it was alarming enough to me to mention to my Mom.    However, the men in the family were always the same.    The “why?” of it remained a mystery for me until I reached adulthood.

As I grew up into womanhood and entered into adult relationships, I often reflected on those memories of my aunts.    Now, some of them had different meanings because I was older and wiser.   I know now that two of my aunts were battling “circumstantial” depression which resulted in one being institutionalized later in life.  Another one was actually being physically and emotionally abused by her husband.  These were hard realizations for me because all of my aunts were very good and loving to me.    I witnessed how they did everything in their power to make their marriages work and to be good wives.   They all remained married until “death” parted them from their husbands.   It was not all happy for them but I guess they remained for reasons I cannot understand.

I know now that watching the lives of my aunts influenced me about marriage and commitment.   It seems to me that women “do” everything to “make” the relationship work and most men are reluctant to do the same.   I termed this type of woman the Make-Do Woman.   The Make-Do woman is willing to concede, to compromise, to justify, to rationalize, and to minimize something within her personhood to continue with a relationship that has gone bad.

I wish I can say it only happened in the generations before mine but there are brilliant, strong, and competent women today that are enduring this situation in their lives.   They probably don’t see themselves as I have described here but only as someone who can’t “throw in the towel” yet.   But, if the women are the only ones trying to save the relationship, I challenged them to re-evaluate their motivations.   I challenged them to embrace self-preservation.  I challenged them to answer truthfully this question – “If you are crying more than you are smiling/laughing, is it worth it to stay?”

QUESTION(S):

Do you personally know any “Make-Do” women?  If so, pass this post on to her.

What do you think about my description of the Make-Do Woman?

In the Silence of a Woman – Rape Allegations and Bill Cosby

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In the silence of a woman you will find the pain of abuse.

In the silence of a woman you will find the pain of betrayal.

In the silence of a woman you will find the pain of self-doubt.

In the silence of a woman you will find the loneliness of bearing it alone.

In the silence of a woman you will find the disbelief of being discounted.

But when that woman finally stands and reveals her abuse, her betrayal, her self-doubt, her loneliness, and her disbelief

There will be those who will hear and applaud her shout

Then she will know she is not alone

And her sisters will stand with her.

When we have a predator in our midst, we need to know it.   It does not matter if he is an icon, it does not matter if he is a great artist, and it does not matter if he has influential friends.  What does matter is the content of his character and how he treats those that could be his mother, his sister, his wife or his daughter.

It is with dismay that I watch the descent of the reputation of Bill Cosby.   I know there are those that have doubts but this is always the case when a woman stands up for herself against abuse.  With so many women coming forward so many years later with nothing to gain, a thinking person should find it difficult to discount them.  I guess we all believed that Bill’s personality was synonymous with the characters he portrayed.  Perhaps that is why it has taken so long for the women to come forward with their stories.

This is another case of what is done in the dark will eventually come to the light.

I feel like I am watching the death of Fat Albert and Dr. Huxtable.

Question(s):

How do you feel about the rape allegations against Bill Cosby?

What’s Love Got To Do With It? – Domestic Violence

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With the recent news of the violence between the young singers Chris Brown and Rihanna, it is difficult not to add my own comments to this atrocity.   I want to clearly state my position on domestic violence – – there is NEVER any valid reason that a man should hit a woman — not even in self-defense.    In my opinion, the larger person (in size) has the responsibility to walk away/retreat from the violent incident and, in most cases, that person is the man.

The ABA Commission on Domestic Violence (www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html) reports that approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.   This is alarming but not surprising.   Also, since domestic violence is not always physical, I would guess that it has touched most families in some manner.

I know from personal experience that it has touched my family.   My young aunt, who was only 20 years old, was murdered by her estranged husband on Christmas Day in the presence of their 2 year-old son.   He also committed suicide.  There was a 5 month-old son who was not present.    The sad thing is the husband told my aunt at Thanksgiving that he was going to kill her.   She did not believe him.

He was 20 years older and their relationship was frowned upon by our family, which seemed to make them closer in the beginning.   But, as my aunt grew into a young woman and more independent, they grew apart and separated.  Her husband became disgruntled and obsessive.   So, on Christmas Day, while she telephoned for help, he shot her in her beautiful face, walked up to her and shot her in her heart, and then put the gun to his head.    It was heartbreaking.

I am sure there were signs from him of this type of behavior before that eventful day and I believe my aunt just excused them or ignored them.   I think this was her grave mistake.    The loss of her life in this manner has made me hypersensitive to any man that I date.   If he is controlling in any manner, his a** is history!

 

In my life’s journey, I have met a few women who were in the midst of some type of domestic abuse and opened up to me about it.    The surprising thing about it was they were very cognizant of the abuse but unwilling to give up the relationship, not even for the sake of their children who were witnessing some of the abuse.    I guess this substantiate my other belief…………the man who abuses his wife/woman needs help and the woman who stays and accepts it needs even more help.

 

Questions:

  Has anyone in your circle of family and friends been touched by domestic violence?    If so, please share (but do not give any personal information about the victims).