GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

What’s Love Got To Do With It? – Domestic Violence

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With the recent news of the violence between the young singers Chris Brown and Rihanna, it is difficult not to add my own comments to this atrocity.   I want to clearly state my position on domestic violence – – there is NEVER any valid reason that a man should hit a woman — not even in self-defense.    In my opinion, the larger person (in size) has the responsibility to walk away/retreat from the violent incident and, in most cases, that person is the man.

The ABA Commission on Domestic Violence (www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html) reports that approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.   This is alarming but not surprising.   Also, since domestic violence is not always physical, I would guess that it has touched most families in some manner.

I know from personal experience that it has touched my family.   My young aunt, who was only 20 years old, was murdered by her estranged husband on Christmas Day in the presence of their 2 year-old son.   He also committed suicide.  There was a 5 month-old son who was not present.    The sad thing is the husband told my aunt at Thanksgiving that he was going to kill her.   She did not believe him.

He was 20 years older and their relationship was frowned upon by our family, which seemed to make them closer in the beginning.   But, as my aunt grew into a young woman and more independent, they grew apart and separated.  Her husband became disgruntled and obsessive.   So, on Christmas Day, while she telephoned for help, he shot her in her beautiful face, walked up to her and shot her in her heart, and then put the gun to his head.    It was heartbreaking.

I am sure there were signs from him of this type of behavior before that eventful day and I believe my aunt just excused them or ignored them.   I think this was her grave mistake.    The loss of her life in this manner has made me hypersensitive to any man that I date.   If he is controlling in any manner, his a** is history!

 

In my life’s journey, I have met a few women who were in the midst of some type of domestic abuse and opened up to me about it.    The surprising thing about it was they were very cognizant of the abuse but unwilling to give up the relationship, not even for the sake of their children who were witnessing some of the abuse.    I guess this substantiate my other belief…………the man who abuses his wife/woman needs help and the woman who stays and accepts it needs even more help.

 

Questions:

  Has anyone in your circle of family and friends been touched by domestic violence?    If so, please share (but do not give any personal information about the victims).

 

 

 

Fixer Uppers

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I am creating this post on a break at the San Diego State University Writers’ Conference.    I attended this conference for some inspiration and to also have the opportunity to visit one of my girlfriends that live in this beautiful city.    We met many years ago in the back of an aerobics class as we tried desperately to keep up with it.   Laughing at ourselves and each other, we soon became good friends, next-door neighbors, and long-distance confidants when she moved back to her home city of San Diego.   So, it is only fitting that the topic of this post will relate to one of our past gatherings.

Some years ago, my girlfriend divorced the same year that I broke off a long-term relationship.   To commemorate this passage into another phase of “womanhood” we flew off to the Bahamas with a group of other girlfriends to relax and regroup.   As expected, the topic of what we wanted in the next relationship was discussed and the one thing this particular friend stated was she definitely did not want a “fixer-upper”.

This term really piqued my interest and I asked her to define a “fixer upper”.   To summarize (and formalize) her definition —- if a woman has to educate and/or motivate a man “to be all that he can be”, then he is a “fixer upper”.    Wow!   This was an interesting “measurement” and totally subjective.    I wondered what type of man I would classify as a fixer-upper.  A man’s work would not bother me as long as it was honorable but I would have problems with bad/uncouth table manners, personal hygiene issues, and dialogue that only contained monosyllables.

I asked my girlfriend what she would DO if she met a fixer-upper.    She told me she would write him off but not before the first date.   I laughed and asked her why.   Her response was “They’re all good for a seafood dinner”.   She asked me what I would do if I met a fixer-upper and I told her I would buy my own seafood dinner.   

Questions:

  Do you agree with the definition of a “fixer-upper”?

  What would you do if you met a fixer-upper?

 

 

 

Me, Myself, and I – Discovering ME Time

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I wish I could say that I was savvy and cool from birth and it was inherent within me to know and understand the value of ME time.   But the reality is I was the same as all other women “who do too much” – – – always putting myself last.   This was what I saw all the familial women do in my life and it was just natural to continue on with the same behavior.

My “skirt was pulled” in an unexpected manner and at a low period in my life journey.  I had lost my father in a car accident and my teenager was rebelling, so we started family counseling.  In one of the sessions, the therapist asked me to list the things I did each week.   So, I told her.   She then asked me to repeat it.  I repeated it.   Then she leaned forward from her chair and looked me straight in my eyes and said “Mother, get a life”.   She told me nothing on my list was anything that I did for myself.  It was all about my son or others.   She then asked me about my personal relationship and I told her about the man I had been dating for umpteen years.  She told me to get rid of him.

I was mad.   No, really, I was infuriated.   How dare she talk to me like that?   I called my best girlfriend and started the conversation with “Can you believe……”  But, a few nights later, in that midnight hour when you can’t lie to yourself, I faced the truth – I had absolutely no life.    I got out of bed that next morning, looked in the mirror and I had a moment like the evil Queen in Snow White.   I looked myself in the eyes and I asked “Mirror, mirror on the wall – Who am I?”   The mirror had no answer for me.

This was the beginning of my looking within myself and experiencing ME time.   On that day, I sat down and made a list of all of the things I loved and dreamed about before the realities of life grabbed me.  I started with one item on that list and it was a catalyst for all of the adventures that have enhanced my life journey to this point.    I have evolved into many women since the day I spoke to my mirror and each one has pushed me to become the next one in the evolution.   And, yes, one of them DID end that “nowhere” relationship.

Of course, my best girlfriend wasn’t going to let me start that list alone.   She joined me in attending theatrical events in our area.   Soon, other girlfriends joined us and we added a monthly Sunday Brunch to the mix.    We have also traveled together over the years and had some wonderful adventures.  This was the birth of our “girlfriend gatherings”.  Over the years, all of the girlfriends have learned the value of ME time.    

Just in case you have not determined my definition of the acronym ME – it is My Evolution.

 

Questions:

Do you spend any ME time with yourself?

If so, in what manner?  

What importance do you give it in your life?

How have you evolved?

The Mystery of Girlfriend Gatherings

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Put on your “glad rags”, paint a little color on your face, click your heels, grab your favorite handbag, announce that you are off to a “girlfriend gathering” and you have just turned into a mysterious being – an enigma – to your better half, your children and other family members.

I believe since the beginning of time; everyone has wondered what do women “DO” and “DISCUSS” when they get together. I imagine that even when prehistoric men ran off to their hunts, they sat around the campfire and wondered what the women were doing back in the cave without them.

Women have come a long way since those times and the ways we “gather, ” and our discussions have evolved, too. Girlfriend gatherings today are no longer disguised as they were in yesteryear. Before, they were camouflaged by some household or family event, where the women would sneak away together to another room (usually the kitchen) to commune together. Now, we boldly declare our intentions and carve out this time for ourselves with deliberation because we know we deserve it.

I applaud all women who devote time to doing some “girlfriend gathering”. I’ve created this blog to celebrate this activity and to answer that age old question that is pondered by outsiders. Hopefully, they will find their way to this blog.

Please help me out by sharing your comments on the question(s) I will ask near the end of each blog post. Also, please pass this blog address to every woman you know. I hope for participation from ALL women, regardless of race, creed, color, country, religion and culture. Let us learn from one another and have a worldwide online “girlfriend gathering”.

Questions:

1.      In what ways do you gather with your girlfriends?

2.    In your early years, while growing up, how did the women in your family gather?  Please share with us some memories and your observations/feelings about those gatherings.