GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

Show Me the LOVE! – Humility

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Humility, regarding humbleness and deference, is one of the most important traits required to be able to relate to another human being.

Humbleness is the understanding that no one person is better than or lesser than another person and it allows one to have the capacity to love. If you are looking “down” on someone or looking “up” to someone, how can you truly see them and how can you truly know yourself? We tend to value others by external factors and chaos occurs when those elements fade or change. Invest your emotions in someone who values internal growth because that type of growth is usually lasting.

I knew a very confident young woman once who made a mistake in her life which caused depression for her. She lost her confidence and thought of herself as damaged (“less than”). Someone she trusted stepped right in and convinced her that he could “save” her from her plight. However, previously, he had secretly desired her confident self but felt unworthy and rejected. When he saw her depressed state, it was his opportunity to step on her to make himself feel “better than” in the relationship. This behavior was emotional abuse, and it soon turned into physical violence.

Deference is the belief that there is something greater than you and it allows one to be able to give for love. If you value the air you breathe, the sun and moon that lights your way, and your beating heart, then you do realize that there is a supreme being that has given you these things because of love. Seek the person that shares this same deference because they will know how to give those heartfelt intangibles to the relationship.

However, if you meet someone who credits all of his being and accomplishments to his merit, RUN!

QUESTION(s):

There are some who equate humility with weakness – especially in a man.

What do you think?

Show ME the LOVE ! – The Essential Relational Elements

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One of the matters that women tend to share with one another is their relational experiences with their mates.    In my circle of girlfriends and acquaintances, everyone seems to be content, but I must admit there are a couple of friends that warrant my concern.   Usually, I present myself as a sounding board only because I believe that each of us has a unique relational journey and my response to a situation may not be appropriate for another.    We all have our tolerance thresholds and ( since mine is low) I believe we should not impose them on others.

When someone decides to discuss their personal relationship with me I listen to the situation and inquire about the emotional health of my friend in an attempt to encourage her to take care of her health.    However, there have been a few situations where more probing questions were required because my belief system was challenged.    I concluded that some of us are ignoring obvious negative signs and entering into relationships/marriages when we should have sprinted through the nearest exit door away from that relationship.

Therefore, for this month where LOVE is the focus, I want to talk about the elements that should be present in a relationship BEFORE you take it into the commitment arena.    There are essential elements that should be present just because you are human beings and then there are others that develop as you take the appropriate time to relate to one another.       Here is my list:

HUMAN BASICS

Humility
Respect
Kindness
Thoughtfulness

RELATIONAL BASICS

Trust
Faithfulness
Adoration
Passion (Sexuality + Sensuality + Intimacy)
Humor

In my opinion, all of these elements should be present and non-negotiable before you start commingling your resources (time, assets, emotions, etc.).   However, I will confess that I am totally happy living alone and I have been told by some friends that they cannot live alone.    So, if you do compromise and accept a shorter list of these elements, just please don’t fool yourself into thinking he will CHANGE into what you want later because that “shiggity” never happens.

So, over the course of this month, I am going to write my opinion about each one of the elements of my “show me the love” list and, hopefully, it will help others in developing a kinder love relationship.

 

QUESTION(s):

What do you think about my list?    Would you add or delete any element?

 

Ode to Elena – A Self Portrait

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blue-twist-lines_MkvEmA8O

 

 

 

My thoughts tonight could not stay on the subject I wanted to blog about as I was deep into my past.    Memories flooded my mind so I wrote it out.  I decided to share it here.

Ode to Elena

Elena was born from the passion of a touch, from the depth of a look, from the whisper of a name.

In an instant, Elena lived and embraced all of the emotions that filled her in that moment.

Elena existed in spurts of time filled with love and loving, laughter and smiles, touches and caresses.

Elena was moved by the music that filled her air, the wine that wet her lips, and the dance that swayed her hips.

Elena was the dark-skinned sun worshipper who straddled her lover on crisp white sheets beneath the moonlight that guided them.

Elena was the one whose hand he held to his chest to feel the tempo of his heartbeats.

Elena lived and loved, loved and lived, so much, too much, grabbing, holding, reaching, wondering, yearning, and waiting …for the next time.

Then one time the next time ended.

And Elena died – just as she was born – in an instant.

 

Love Poem #5 – “A Wooing” by Langston Hughes

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heart box

 

 

 

I will bring you big things:
Colors of dawn-morning,
Beauty of rose leaves,
And a flaming love.

But you say
Those are not big things,
That only money counts.

Well,
Then I will bring you money.
But do not ask me
For the beauty of rose leaves,
Nor the colors of dawn-morning,
Nor a flaming love.

 

Comment:

I think the lover is saying here that my love is priceless and I am willing to give it to you.   However, you choose material things and I can give those things, too.

But don’t ever ask for the best of me.

I guess there would be some who would consider this a bargain.

QUESTION(S):

Do you think “relational bargains” really occur?

He’s JUST a Man

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_DSC1998-EditRecently, I was asked for advice from a beautiful twenty-something young woman who is helping me to rediscover fitness in my life.    She needed some dating advice and I was flattered that she thought I could offer some helpful information to her.  After all, it has been awhile since I was twenty-something.

This young woman had recently reconnected with a male friend that she had worked with in the past.   He surprised her by confessing his feelings were more than friendship and asked if she would come and visit him as he lived in another city.   She was excited but apprehensive about this and asked my thoughts.

The first thing I did was to ask her about her feelings regarding his revelation and requests.   Her answers were very mature for her age.   She explained that she liked this young man and wanted to get to know him better “in a more-than-a-friendship way”.   However, she was concerned about going to his city and wanted to take things slow.  She wondered how to convey this to him.

I told her to tell him to come to her city (her “turf”)  for a visit and to tell him her boundaries.   She was amazed at my advice.   She asked, “Are you sure I can tell him my boundaries?   Is that okay?”    I laughed and told her it is perfectly fine for her to tell him her boundaries.   I asked her why she thought it would not be okay.   Her reply was, “Because he’s a man!”    I laughed and told her, “Yes, that’s right – he’s JUST a man”.     Her eyes lit up and she smiled.   I knew she understood.

It is important for young women (and some old ones, too) to understand that it is okay to have standards and boundaries for your relational life.    There was a time that women were considered “the prize” and she set the tone of the relationship.   Somehow that has gotten turned around and some of us are living a chameleon life.  We give a lot of energy trying to be a pleaser because we don’t want to be alone. Don’t lower your standards.   When you start contemplating them remind yourself….. “He’s JUST a man”.

QUESTION(S): What do you think about having dating standards?