GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Comeback

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Imagine.

You have a “point-of-no-return” break up with your boyfriend.   Then you discover you are pregnant.   You decide to go it alone.   However, you become depressed and reclusive.   The only persons you will allow to visit are your family, a couple of close girlfriends and your childhood guy friend.

This guy comes over constantly.   He tells you how he always secretly admired you since high school.   He convinces you that he can “save your reputation” and be a good father to your child.   He gives you the attention you crave and makes you feel wanted.   You like this feeling.  It uplifts your self-esteem and self-confidence.  He proposes marriage.  You can’t muster up any passion for him but you “know” him and his family.    What do you do?

  1. Thank him for his proposal and caring but tell him he deserves someone who can truly love him.
  2. Marry him and adapt to being a passionless dutiful wife.
  3. Marry him and address your passionate needs with extramarital affairs.

My childhood friend was in this situation, and she chose #3.    She confessed to me that at her wedding reception she danced with her married lover from work.   She became a serial cheater which was a factor in her divorce.

The rebound relationship has tempted anyone that has been heartbroken.   Some of us believe that a new love cures a broken heart and the quicker we find that new love, the better.   We want the attention, the excitement, and the exposure of the new relationship.  However, there are emotional dangers in this behavior for you and the new partner. You may experience mood swings between elation and depression about the new relationship and losing the old one.   Your new partner may come to realize he is your second choice by some of your behaviors and start to feel used.

Here is a list of five behaviors that will indicate you are in a rebound relationship:

  1. You think about your Ex continuously even when you are with your new partner.
  2. Your new partner reminds you of your Ex, and this was the initial attraction for you.
  3. You want to frequent places with your new partner in tow where you may encounter your Ex.
  4. You just can’t put away those old photos of you with your Ex.
  5. Your new partner is only a temporary lover, and you don’t bother to include him in your inner circle.

Now as we look at these behaviors I know, as women, none of us want to be on the receiving end.   So, we need to be careful and allow ourselves time after a heartbreak, so we don’t perpetuate this type of behaviors on others.

L-O-V-E will cure a broken heart but it is the self-love from within that will succeed.

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Crutch

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Imagine.

You are a divorced father, and it is the weekend for your eight-year-old son to stay.   You wake up early as the day is dawning because you and your son are attending one of his all-day Boy Scouts’ events.   As you go out to pick up the newspaper to read with your morning coffee before your son wakes, you recognize a car park down the street facing your house.  It is the woman you are dating from the office sitting in her car watching your home at 6 am on a Saturday morning.   What do you do?

  1. Wave at her, acknowledge her presence and walk over to her car like this behavior is normal.
  2. Turn, go back inside your home and call her later to confront her about her behavior.
  3. Turn, go back inside your home and decide never to call her again.

I had a friend that did this to the man she was dating, and he chose #3.   True story.   She would not face her behaviors which resulted in her acting out in the workplace and having to get help from a mental health professional to keep her job.

The most significant fear of the needy woman is that something or someone will cause her to lose her man…her relationship.  Her focus is not about “him” the person but the relationship because it validates her.   One of the tell-tale signs of a needy woman is how she refers to the man in her life in general conversation.   If she refers to him by his name, this is good.   If she refers to him as “my husband” or “my man” like he is the purse on her arm, the jewelry she has adorned, or the vehicle she drives, then she may suffer from neediness.   When I hear this, I imagine the man stripped of his identity and humanity.

Now, that may seem harsh, but I remember a conversation I had with a man that opened my eyes to this phenomenon.   He told me what he liked and disliked in a romantic relationship.  One of the things he said was “I don’t want a woman who is sitting around waiting for me to come home and make her happy.”   Since I am completely the opposite, this piqued my curiosity.   I started observing the behaviors and conversations that women have about their relationships over the years.   I wanted to determine if there were indeed women who put so much of their well-being and happiness in the hands of a man.

Surprisingly, I found there are women from all walks of life who use the romantic relationship as a crutch to bolster their self-esteem, self-confidence, and worthiness.

Here are five of my most common observations about the needy woman:

  1. She must be in a relationship.   She will even hold on to one lousy relationship until she finds a new one.
  2. Insecurity and jealousy consume her which leads to her being very diligent in keeping her man from being near other women. She believes that all women have super-persuasive powers and can swoop her man away to make him do something he really doesn’t want to do.
  3. She voluntarily subjugates her routine to his routine to accommodate his life.
  4. She doesn’t foster and nurture independent relationships beyond the romantic relationship.
  5. She becomes suspicious and depressed if her man wants some space to foster his independent relationships (i.e., friends, spend time with children from a divorce).

I am a live-and-let-live kind of person, but I must confess that it is hard to witness the behavior mentioned above in a Sister.  However, I do realize that we are all on a journey to self-discovery and every path is not the same.   I hope that we all stay steady on that path and not deviate to pick up a “crutch” along the way.   The reality is no man wants to be your crutch and the recipient of your needy behavior.   He is an emotional human being, too, and not responsible for validating you.

L-O-V-E should not be about “needing from” another person but “sharing with” another person.   Keep that in mind, and you will avoid this relational pitfall to stay on the path to a meaningful connection.

“What Love Ain’t” – Your Queendom

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Imagine.

You have an all-expenses-paid business trip for one week in beautiful San Francisco.   You decide to splurge and treat your Boo with an airline ticket to fly out and join you.   He adjusts his schedule and joins you.   It starts out wonderfully.   By mid-week, you decide to skip out on the afternoon conference sessions for some shopping.   You swing by the hotel to grab your Boo, but he tells you to go on without him because he wants to relax and continue to watch ESPN.   What do you do?

  1. Give him a peck on the cheek as you head out shopping hopefully with his credit card in your purse.
  2. Take off your pantyhose and watch ESPN with him.
  3. Throw a tantrum, throw him out of the hotel room, and inform him to find his way home since you bought his airline ticket.

I know someone who was in the drama of #3.  True story.

Let’s be honest.  Some of us would rather dictate to than relate to another person.  We have a fantasy in our mind about the relationship, and the other person is just a character in that fiction.

The attitude is “this is my world – Queendom –, and you’re just in it.”

Some of you may find a man that will agree with you – probably for his personal reasons.  However, most of you will find someone who will eventually say “to hell with you” and go on his merry way.     As they say, even the most faithful dog will leave if you kick him long enough.  Then your relation-breaking cycle starts all over again.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being in your Queendom as long as you’re okay with it.   Being alone and having an occasional visitor is comfortable for some.  But, if you want a long-term, lasting relationship you got to let down the drawbridge and relate.

Now for those who may have difficulty identifying controlling behaviors within, here are a few signs to look for within yourself.

  1. You are impossible to please and can’t avoid complaining. You can find fault with “manna from heaven.”
  2. Without your input, nothing is done right.
  3. You are not interested in another’s point of view.
  4. You cannot tolerate criticism.
  5. You find flaws in the independent decisions of others and don’t mind telling them about it.
  6. You are envious of those who are smarter than you or can perform better than you.
  7. You are reluctant to trust the judgment and capabilities of others.

Controlling behavior will murder any relationship especially a romantic one.   The most important thing each of us as human beings – women – should accept is the only person you can really control is Y-O-U.

Ditching the Doormat Syndrome

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What If……

  1. You planned a solo vacation to relax after several hectic months in your work and personal life.
  2. In general conversation, you shared this information with an acquaintance.
  3. Within 24 hours, the acquaintance called you up to tell you she had purchased an airline ticket to your destination and plan to share your hotel room.

How would you respond?

  1. Tell the acquaintance that you planned a solo vacation and do not want a hotel roommate.
  2. Allow the acquaintance to infringe on your plans and suffer in silence – wasting your money and your vacation leave to be miserable.

This is an actual situation that a friend shared with me recently.  I begged her to respond with option #1 but she told me she could not do it.    Even though she was clearly upset about it, she could not find the power within herself to voice her feelings to her acquaintance.

As women, we are socialized to be the “compromiser” in our relationships.   Sometimes that balancing act creates a situation where we are perceived as “doormats” by others.   Sometimes we start to believe it, too, and our behavior reflects it.

Some of us find it extremely difficult to say “No” to others.   Some of us value the opinions of others more than our own opinions.  Some of us allow others to disrespect us.    These are all signs of the “doormat” syndrome and the need to establish some boundaries.

Here are some considerations for setting boundaries:

Consider yourself as #1 in your own life.    Adopt my mantra – no one can treat me better than me.

Know yourself.   Identify what is tolerable and intolerable to you in your various relationships.

Go with your feelings.    If you are having negative feelings during an interaction with someone then you should examine those feelings to determine the internal root cause of them.   Be OK with your discovery.

Communicate clearly.   We have varying styles of communication with others in our relationships.  Choose the best method of communication that will clearly state your boundary to others even if it varies by individual.

Beware of compromising to your detriment.   You may experience feelings of guilt, fear of rejection, self-doubt which may lead to contemplating your boundaries.    Don’t succumb to it.

It is OK to feel outraged when someone infringes on you.  It is OK to voice your feelings in those situations.   It is OK to set “healthy” boundaries in your romantic, peer, and familial relationships.   It is OK to love yourself so much that you absolutely refuse to be disrespected.

QUESTION(S)

Have you ever felt like a doormat in a romantic, peer, and/or familial relationship?

Show ME the LOVE ! – Passion

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You meet a man who has that “hot” factor and falls into your “panty dropper” category. Some would call this feeling passion, but it is lust defined as “an intense feeling of sexual desire.” Lust is a normal feeling and acceptable to act on as long as you keep it in perspective. Usually, it is what fuels the early phase of a relationship. If you want a long-term relationship, then look for a mate that wants to progress to a mature one and not remain here in the lust phase. The passing of time will wear on lust.

Passion is a combination of sexual desire, romantic love, sensual pleasure, and self-fulfillment. It comes from a couple knowing and growing with one another. Contented individuals in a relationship bring a positive energy to it. Equality and support in a relationship can improve the emotional connection and enhance the passion. Therefore, it requires a certain level of relational maturity and commitment to get to this state.

Passion is the last relational trait on my list because you truly need to have the others (humility, respect, kindness, thoughtfulness, faithfulness, humor, and adoration) present in your relationship to reach this point. When a couple can communicate their desires and the willingness to fulfill their partner’s desires, then they will eventually reach the passionate state.

QUESTION(s):

Do you believe in passion?

How do you feel about lust? Should one suppress it? Or act on it?