GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

The Hubby Track

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1038415_HiResAs I mentioned in a previous post, I am always eavesdropping in public places.   As a writer, this is one of the methods we study dialogue so that the characters in our stories are unique in their speech.   So, you can only imagine some of the interesting unlikely conversations that I overhear.

One Monday morning at my “day job”, I overheard a conversation between two men about their weekend activities.   I love listening to discussions between men because, as a female writing about relationships, it is difficult to write from the male point of view.   It is even better when they think no one is listening like on this day when there was a cubicle wall between them and me.

One of the guys had the normal “guy” weekend and there was nothing noteworthy for me.   However, the other guy’s weekend was very interesting and humorous.    He mentioned that he had gone out on a first date with someone he met at the home of another friend.    He said that the date was going okay until the young woman started asking him all types of questions.   When asked what type of questions by his workmate, he replied, “Well, it felt like I was on a job interview.”   Now, this guy was from London, so just imagine hearing the exasperation in that statement with his accent.   I burst out laughing.  I could not help it.

Of course, they heard me and stopped talking.   I stood up and apologized explaining that I could not help but overhear the conversation.   I told him his date was ensuring that he was not a waste of her time.   He was puzzled so I told him a few things that cleared it up for him.  He was amazed that I guessed his date was established in her career and nearing the age of 30.   I explained to Mr. London that his date was on the “hubby track”.

The pressure “to marry” for some women can sometimes become a toxic situation.   This pressure can come from family, friends and definitely from the fact that there are more females in the population than males.   Therefore, some women are destined to remain single.  There are some women who do not want to be counted in that number and Mr. London’s date was one of those women.   Also, the horrible truth is that some women judge other women not by their individual successes, not by their contribution to society but by the fact of their marital status.   This is the ultimate pressure – how you are viewed by your peers.

In my own family, I have a relative who had a different fiancée at every family gathering attended to the point I was getting them mixed-up!   It was as if she had a wedding photo ready with a silhouette for a husband and any man available could replace that silhouette.   Needless to say, I was worried for her and I am still worried for her.   She has now been married multiple times and even now is unhappy in her current marriage.  I want to tell her it is okay to be single and that is okay just to get off the “hubby track”.

Now, I am a woman who believes in love and marriage.   I also believe that a woman should take the necessary time to look for the signs of a keeper (as stated in my earlier post of the same name) during the course of interacting with a prospective mate.  In time, you will know if he is the one for YOU.  However, if you are “hubby job interviewing” dates and/or mentally marrying every man you date, you need to take a break from the “hubby track” and investigate your chief motivating force.   It is my belief that you will find you are acting out of some fear – which is the wrong reason to be on the “hubby track”.

QUESTIONS:

Do you think that some women judge other women by their marital status?

Have you ever known someone that could have possibly been on the “hubby track”?  If so, can you share their outcome?

Signs of A Keeper

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I think there must be something about me that encourages persons to open up and share their relational concerns.  This has happened with men and women but mostly women.   When this happens I try to be neutral because I am on the outside looking in so I just turn on my listening ears.   I have surmised that the root cause of most of the issues is that some of us are ignoring the signs of relational differences and proceeding on with the idea that the other relational partner will change.   You can be sure they are thinking the same thing about you.

There are some things in a relationship that should be negotiable and there are some things that should be non-negotiable.  Here are a few things that I think you should consider non-negotiable and closely review before proceeding on in a relationship.

Strong Work Ethic – The Bible says if you don’t work you don’t eat.  The psychology of a real man is that he needs something to do and someone to protect.    So, girlfriend, he needs to have a blue collar, white collar, entrepreneurial state of mind.     You may not need him to bring home ALL of the bacon but he needs to bring home SOME of the bacon.

Walks His Talk – Some of us get mesmerized by all the sweet loving words and promises that are being said to us.   You need to make absolute sure that his ACTions are lining up with his words.  If he says that you are the world to him, he needs to treat you like you are the world to him.

Humility – He needs to believe in and honor a being/power superior than himself.   It is as simple as that.

Honor Thy Mother –   Girlfriend, you need to check that relationship with his Momma.  If he has a healthy relationship with the women in his family, you can expect that he knows how to have a healthy relationship with you.

Not Funny with the Money –   When you start thinking matrimony you need to also remember that most states are community property.  So you need to discover if you and your partner are on the same wavelength about money and financial health.   If you are not on the same wavelength, my advice – – – RUN…….in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

These are just a few non-negotiable traits I thought of but I am sure you get the gist of it.  Hopefully, you can determine a few more for yourself.   It is important for you to know what you are looking for in a relationship and not to compromise on those non-negotiable traits.

In reading “Comfort of Fences” by Stacy Overman Morrison, I was drawn to this statement made by matriarch Miss Betsy in a discussion with her daughter-in-law, Ruth. Miss Betsy knew what she wanted in her mate.

“Different girls want different things in marriage,” she continued. “I wanted a man who would be good to me and good for me. Finding that isn’t easy. I seen so many girls get married because the feeling they get, not ‘cause of the sense it makes. Marriage has to make sense, if you want it to work, anyways. Will made sense. He talked to me like I was as important a person as he was. At first that didn’t mean much because I figured he was some poor kid like me. It took a week of talking about me before he talked about himself. That’s when I began to gather who and what he was: a rich kid wishing he could paint instead of wade through cow manure on a South Texas ranch. 

We could all learn from Miss Betsy’s example.

QUESTIONS:

How do you feel about having negotiable and non-negotiable traits for a prospective mate?

What do you think about Miss Betsy’s comment?

NaBloPoMo #12 – A Blog Post That I Didn’t Publish

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee

Most times my life experiences provide a great amount of subject matter for my prose.  However, there is one topic that I have started to write about and have been unable to send it out into the world.    This topic is about that unavoidable, inescapable emotion – grief.

Losing those you love dearly is difficult and the emotions that are expressed vary with each individual.  I started a blog post about the way that others relate to the grieving person in the midst of their obvious pain.     Many of us are so uncomfortable in the face of grief that we don’t realize that our actions and/or discussions are inappropriate for the recovery of the grieving person.   I want my post to be enlightening on this subject.  However, at this moment my feelings are too raw about it due to my own experiences.   My words need to be “tempered” before I can publish the post and I am willing to wait until I can accomplish that goal.

NaBloPoMo #2 – My Favorite Character of All Time Is………

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee

I must admit that I do not have a favorite character of all time because I have many favorite characters from different times in my life.   I have been an avid reader since I was a child, I am the daughter of an avid reader/movie-goer, and I go to the movies almost every weekend.    So, I love everyone from Achilles to Captain Jean Luc Picard.  However,  since I must choose one I will refer back to my middle-school reading days when I was enraptured with Greek mythology.   While my friends were grooving to R&B, I was engrossed with the Greek tragedies – especially the love stories.   They did not always end in “happily ever after”.   One such story is the one about Orpheus and Eurydice.

Orpheus was the son of Apollo (god of the sun, music, medicine, poetry, and the fine arts) and Calliope (the superior of the nine Muses).   Therefore, he was gifted musically and poetically.    Orpheus met, loved, and wooed Eurydice for her hand in marriage.   During the days of their wedding celebration, Eurydice was bitten by a snake and died.  Orpheus was so grief stricken that he beseeched permission from Zeus to pursue the restoration of Eurydice’s life from Hades, god of the Underworld.    Zeus was so moved by the songs of the grief stricken Orpheus that he granted permission.   Orpheus traveled to Hades and conquered all barriers with his beautiful music and songs even bringing Hades and Persephone to tears with his songs.   They released Eurydice but with the stipulation that Orpheus not look upon her face until they had departed the Underworld.   Eurydice walked behind Orpheus as they traveled away from the Underworld but in his longing to see his wife, Orpheus turned too soon and only glimpsed her face before she returned to the Underworld.

Orpheus became one of my favorite characters because he sparked my imagination about the beauty of his music and songs that moved Hades, with the hardened heart, to tears.  The courage Orpheus demonstrated to descend to the depths of Hades for his true love was only diminished by the longing he felt to see Eurydice and hold her again.    Orpheus became one of my compass characters to set expectations for a mate – a man who can experience AND express deep emotions.

Thus, he is one of my all-time memorable characters.

The Fairy Tale Setup

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Once upon a time…………happily ever after.     These were the start and end phrases of stories that enthralled me as a little girl.   As an avid reader with a vivid imagination, I was always a silent character in the story watching the knight in shining armor swooped through danger to rescue the damsel in distress.  I could not wait to grow up and experience the same joy that damsel must have known in the strong arms of her knight.

But after years of dating, I soon discovered that the shining armor on the knight sometimes seemed dull and the coma-awakening kiss could lose its power.   To my dismay, I realized that my knight was not invincible and he did not always have all the answers.    The crushing blow came when I had to admit to myself that my shining knight was human after all and I better find a way to deal with my own distress.

This is the fairy tale setup.

Since little girls grow into women, we are prone to enter into relationships with this fairy-tale state of mind.   Even though we may have examples of the true nature of relationships, some of us believe that it will be different for us.   We believe our knight will not have any human flaws.  We believe we will be able to control the situation so that our fate will be the same as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.   We believe that our knight will shower us with “happily ever after”!

OK.   But here is my question – why do we always gloss over the beginning of the fairy tale and focus on the end?   All the fairy tales start with “once upon a time” – not “twice upon a time” or “thrice upon a time”.   So, with that fact in mind, it is safe to surmise that all of us who are waiting for the Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty experience are waiting in vain.  It is not happening again.

The truth is there aren’t any more knights.   All we have are flesh and blood men that have human flaws and the capacity to love us.   I am sure they don’t want to be burden with carrying “happily ever after” on their backs but are willing to share their lives with us.   As one male friend told me years ago – the one thing he disliked in a relationship was for a woman to be sitting around waiting for him to come and make her happy.

The life lesson for me was to understand that happiness comes from within – flowing through you and around you.   We are all responsible for cultivating our own happiness.   This process can sometimes lead us to others with the same mindset and be the first step on the path that leads to “happily ever after”.

 

QUESTIONS:

Did you read fairy tales as a child?

Did you yearn for a knight in shining armor?

When did you realize he did not exist?