GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

A Coward Is As A Coward Does

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Sunday started out really great.   My girlfriends and I drove to Galveston to share some holiday cheer at Sunday brunch.   It was fun.  We chatted and laughed while we ate great food with our continuous flow of mimosas.   We talked about seeking joy for the season and hugged our “so longs” as we departed back to our lives.

However, one of my friends arrived home to discover that her husband of 30+ years had departed from their marriage.   While she laughed and enjoyed a holiday brunch, he packed his clothes, golf clubs and wrote her a one word note that said B-Y-E.   He walked away from his commitment with her and did not have the decency to tell her face to face.

It is not easy to know that this has happened to someone you know – your friend.   You worry about their emotional well-being.   You wonder how you can help.    You know that it will be a difficult journey for her until she reaches acceptance.

The old saying that states, “You never know what goes on behind closed doors” is really true.   I remember dropping my friend at home from a previous girlfriend brunch this past summer and her husband came out to the car with the umbrella because it was raining.    I thought how thoughtful he was towards her.  Now, a few months later and 4 days before Christmas, his actions are deviously different.

The real fact is this man is a coward.   There is no other way to describe him.    Merriam-Webster defines a coward as “one who is too afraid to do what is right or expected.”  A wife of 30+ years deserves and expects that her husband will have the respect to look her in the eye to deliver news to her – whether it is good or bad.

I told my friend that she will survive and this may be the best thing that ever happened in her life.    She has already survived a serious stroke a few years ago so taking the steps to rid herself of a coward will be like a walk in the park.    We, her family and friends, will be here to help her through it.

Plus, I think he will soon discover too late that sage advice from blues singer Johnnie Taylor – Cheaper to Keep Her.

Click here to hear it.

 

Competition Among Women – Fact or Fiction?

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women in business (2)When you meet a guy and he finally accepts that you will be keeping your panties on he can become a really good friend.    You can have very interesting conversations with him about the male point of view and he may even share some of their secrets on relationships with you.    Such was the case when I had a “not so friendly” discussion with a male friend about the alleged competition among women.

This male friend was a New Yorker and worked on Wall Street.   He was here in Houston for a week on a business trip.  We had several dinners scheduled for the week as it was his first visit to H-Town and I wanted to introduce him to some of our great cuisine.   Now, just to make it clear, he was only a friend.   Even though we were both single when we first met a couple of years previously in Atlanta, he had married since that time so that was a game changer.   Since we both worked in IT and were members of the same IT technical community, we kept in touch mostly about work.

So, here he was in Houston.   We had a nice dinner and the conversation flowed well.  Then he made a statement that grabbed my full attention.    He was telling me about the dynamic atmosphere of working on Wall Street.   He mentioned that the women all dressed their very best every day because they were always in competition.    At that point, I asked the naïve question, “In competition?  For what?”  He laughed and said, “They are in competition for a man.”    I laughed and told him I did not believe that was the reason they dressed well.   He reiterated his point.  I told him he was mistaken if he thought that every woman competes with another one for a man.

Well, at that point he became condescending.   He told me that I did not understand so he needed to make it clear for me with an example.

He said, “What if you are dating a man that is dating 2 other women?   Wouldn’t you compete with them for his full attention?”

I asked, “So, in this scenario, am I aware that he is dating the 2 other women?”

He replied, “Yes, he told you about it.”

I replied, “Ok.  Well, now he is only dating 2 women instead of 3.”

He said, “No, wait.   He hasn’t made up his mind yet.”

I replied, “Yes, but I have made up MY mind.”

He became exasperated.  “No, you don’t understand, he hasn’t made a choice, yet.”

I replied with laughter.  “No, YOU don’t understand.  I have a choice, too.   I choose not to be included in his choices.”

He looked at me for a long moment and then said, “Forget it. You are not trying to understand.”

I drove him back to his hotel keeping the conversation on trivial subjects.   However, I noticed he was unusually quiet.  I knew it was because of our enlightening conversation.    The next day he called to tell me that there had been a change in his schedule and he would not be able to make the remainder of our dinners.   I never heard from him again.   I have no regrets about that conversation.    I have no regrets about losing that friendship.   I discovered that he was a male chauvinist. He discovered that not only was I a Southern Belle with Cowgirl spunk but a Feminist, too!

I refuse to believe that a group of well-dressed and intelligent women working in one of the most dynamic environments in the U.S are spending their valuable time competing for a man.    I refuse to believe that any woman is competing with another one for a man.   Now, I know there are some unhealthy relations between women and it may seem that it is about a man.   However, if you look deeper, usually you will find there are other underlying issues possibly related to self-awareness, emotional issues, depression, etc.   This is where the focus should be – on the root cause and not on the symptom.

We should never tolerate negative “blanket” statements about female behavior in our hearing.   As women, we are as varied as snowflakes and the motivations that shape our actions are the same.

QUESTION(S)

Do you believe that women compete with one another for the attention of a man?

Best Things in Life #9 – A Bike Ride

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Our Bike PathI won’t say exactly how many years it has been since I threw my leg over, mounted, and rode a bike.   However, I will give you a hint – Beyoncé wasn’t born yet when I did it last.  So, when one of my girlfriends suggested joining her on her weekend bike rides I laughed – loudly.

This conversation occurred on an early cold morning this past March, 2014 while my friend was waiting for the start of the Tour de Houston.   A small group of us had decided to cheer her off, go have breakfast, and cheer her back when she crossed the finish line after her 40-mile ride.   Before she rode off, she announced to us that she was going to nag us until we agreed to join her for the 2015 Tour de Houston.

At breakfast, we munched and discussed her outlandish comment.  However, by the time we stopped for coffee at Starbucks the idea wasn’t so crazy anymore.   At the finish line, we gave her flowers and told her we had decided to join her next year – but only for the 20-mile ride.   After all, we had a whole year to train.

That was the beginning of the wonderful times we have been sharing since March, 2014.

Heidi Bike Riders

Now, the four of us meet every Saturday morning at 6:30am to ride our bikes on the trails in Deussen Park which is near Lake Houston.   We meet this early because it is September in Houston and even then it is humid.   Our weekly distance is already at and beyond 20 miles.   We started our rides on old and borrowed bikes but now each one of us has spent $1000+ on a new bike and accessories.    The guys at Bike Barn are our new best friends and we call our bikes our new boyfriends.   They are reliable, exciting, and sure do give us a thrill!

There have been some down times – crashes, chasing dogs, falls & setbacks, aching muscles – which we have encountered but mostly there has been lots of laughter and camaraderie.   Some of us have started our rides with the handle bars turned backwards, helmets on backwards, and dragging from too much fun the night before.    However, the two things we can always count on is encouragement from each other and the beautiful sights as we pedal, pedal, pedal on the bike paths, through the woods, up the hills and near the lake.  When we need a water break we hang out at Pavilion #9 which I named “Cloud 9”.   It is also our meet-up point when we ride separate paths.

Pavilion 9 -2 Pavilion 9 - 1

It only took the first ride for me to fall in love with biking again.

I can’t adequately describe to you how it feels to watch the sun rise over the lake as we pedal on our bike path with our laughter traveling on the wind but here is a photo to give you a glimpse.

Our Bike Path with Sunrise

Here are some more pictures of our beautiful views.  All beautiful views captured and presented in this post were taken by one of my fellow bikers (Veronica Owens) who was featured for her photography on my blog site during Women’s History Month.

Our Bike Path - Water Our Bike Path - Water-2

Our Bike Path with Fog Our Bike Path with Trees

 

To Have a Friend You Need to Be a Friend

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It is easy for me to meet and bond with others whether they are male or female.   I have close friends in both sexes but my closest friendships are with other women.    I learned about female bonding by watching the women in my family during my youth.   They were all very close and there were lots of family gatherings.    I was always eavesdropping on conversations by lurking close to whatever room they were in – usually the kitchen.   In some of the old family photos where the women are together you can find me – the only child in the picture – peeking around the door or over someone’s shoulder while they are sitting.  I learned a lot listening to them sharing their lives with and helping one another.  I also learned how they handled discord and maintained their relationships.

As I moved through the phases of womanhood, I learned there are women who don’t feel comfortable around other women.   Usually, these women are okay with a one-on-one friendship but just don’t do well in a group.   As a younger woman, I would try to encourage and include women I knew like this into my group of friends but experience finally taught me to “let it be” because it didn’t always work.   Sometimes it made the outing uncomfortable and unbearable with the “loner” woman acting a little crazy!   I finally accepted that it is simply a difference in personalities and everyone has a right to be themselves.   I just don’t have to have the negative ones in my inner circle.

I have discovered that in order to have a good lasting friendship and to make great new friendships you should be:

Selfless

Caring

Kind

Honest

Encouraging

Accepting

Positive

Open-Minded

Versatile

Funny

Whole and Fair

In self-control

A Good Listener

A Good Communicator

These are qualities that I believe will sustain long-lasting friendships if both parties strive to incorporate them in their daily lives.    The burden of uplifting and maintaining a friendship should never fall on one person.

Question(s):

How healthy are your friendships?

What do you think of the friendship qualities I listed?

Do you have any to add?    If so, please share.

He’s JUST a Man

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_DSC1998-EditRecently, I was asked for advice from a beautiful twenty-something young woman who is helping me to rediscover fitness in my life.    She needed some dating advice and I was flattered that she thought I could offer some helpful information to her.  After all, it has been awhile since I was twenty-something.

This young woman had recently reconnected with a male friend that she had worked with in the past.   He surprised her by confessing his feelings were more than friendship and asked if she would come and visit him as he lived in another city.   She was excited but apprehensive about this and asked my thoughts.

The first thing I did was to ask her about her feelings regarding his revelation and requests.   Her answers were very mature for her age.   She explained that she liked this young man and wanted to get to know him better “in a more-than-a-friendship way”.   However, she was concerned about going to his city and wanted to take things slow.  She wondered how to convey this to him.

I told her to tell him to come to her city (her “turf”)  for a visit and to tell him her boundaries.   She was amazed at my advice.   She asked, “Are you sure I can tell him my boundaries?   Is that okay?”    I laughed and told her it is perfectly fine for her to tell him her boundaries.   I asked her why she thought it would not be okay.   Her reply was, “Because he’s a man!”    I laughed and told her, “Yes, that’s right – he’s JUST a man”.     Her eyes lit up and she smiled.   I knew she understood.

It is important for young women (and some old ones, too) to understand that it is okay to have standards and boundaries for your relational life.    There was a time that women were considered “the prize” and she set the tone of the relationship.   Somehow that has gotten turned around and some of us are living a chameleon life.  We give a lot of energy trying to be a pleaser because we don’t want to be alone. Don’t lower your standards.   When you start contemplating them remind yourself….. “He’s JUST a man”.

QUESTION(S): What do you think about having dating standards?