GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

A Coward Is As A Coward Does

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Sunday started out really great.   My girlfriends and I drove to Galveston to share some holiday cheer at Sunday brunch.   It was fun.  We chatted and laughed while we ate great food with our continuous flow of mimosas.   We talked about seeking joy for the season and hugged our “so longs” as we departed back to our lives.

However, one of my friends arrived home to discover that her husband of 30+ years had departed from their marriage.   While she laughed and enjoyed a holiday brunch, he packed his clothes, golf clubs and wrote her a one word note that said B-Y-E.   He walked away from his commitment with her and did not have the decency to tell her face to face.

It is not easy to know that this has happened to someone you know – your friend.   You worry about their emotional well-being.   You wonder how you can help.    You know that it will be a difficult journey for her until she reaches acceptance.

The old saying that states, “You never know what goes on behind closed doors” is really true.   I remember dropping my friend at home from a previous girlfriend brunch this past summer and her husband came out to the car with the umbrella because it was raining.    I thought how thoughtful he was towards her.  Now, a few months later and 4 days before Christmas, his actions are deviously different.

The real fact is this man is a coward.   There is no other way to describe him.    Merriam-Webster defines a coward as “one who is too afraid to do what is right or expected.”  A wife of 30+ years deserves and expects that her husband will have the respect to look her in the eye to deliver news to her – whether it is good or bad.

I told my friend that she will survive and this may be the best thing that ever happened in her life.    She has already survived a serious stroke a few years ago so taking the steps to rid herself of a coward will be like a walk in the park.    We, her family and friends, will be here to help her through it.

Plus, I think he will soon discover too late that sage advice from blues singer Johnnie Taylor – Cheaper to Keep Her.

Click here to hear it.

 

Competition Among Women – Fact or Fiction?

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women in business (2)When you meet a guy and he finally accepts that you will be keeping your panties on he can become a really good friend.    You can have very interesting conversations with him about the male point of view and he may even share some of their secrets on relationships with you.    Such was the case when I had a “not so friendly” discussion with a male friend about the alleged competition among women.

This male friend was a New Yorker and worked on Wall Street.   He was here in Houston for a week on a business trip.  We had several dinners scheduled for the week as it was his first visit to H-Town and I wanted to introduce him to some of our great cuisine.   Now, just to make it clear, he was only a friend.   Even though we were both single when we first met a couple of years previously in Atlanta, he had married since that time so that was a game changer.   Since we both worked in IT and were members of the same IT technical community, we kept in touch mostly about work.

So, here he was in Houston.   We had a nice dinner and the conversation flowed well.  Then he made a statement that grabbed my full attention.    He was telling me about the dynamic atmosphere of working on Wall Street.   He mentioned that the women all dressed their very best every day because they were always in competition.    At that point, I asked the naïve question, “In competition?  For what?”  He laughed and said, “They are in competition for a man.”    I laughed and told him I did not believe that was the reason they dressed well.   He reiterated his point.  I told him he was mistaken if he thought that every woman competes with another one for a man.

Well, at that point he became condescending.   He told me that I did not understand so he needed to make it clear for me with an example.

He said, “What if you are dating a man that is dating 2 other women?   Wouldn’t you compete with them for his full attention?”

I asked, “So, in this scenario, am I aware that he is dating the 2 other women?”

He replied, “Yes, he told you about it.”

I replied, “Ok.  Well, now he is only dating 2 women instead of 3.”

He said, “No, wait.   He hasn’t made up his mind yet.”

I replied, “Yes, but I have made up MY mind.”

He became exasperated.  “No, you don’t understand, he hasn’t made a choice, yet.”

I replied with laughter.  “No, YOU don’t understand.  I have a choice, too.   I choose not to be included in his choices.”

He looked at me for a long moment and then said, “Forget it. You are not trying to understand.”

I drove him back to his hotel keeping the conversation on trivial subjects.   However, I noticed he was unusually quiet.  I knew it was because of our enlightening conversation.    The next day he called to tell me that there had been a change in his schedule and he would not be able to make the remainder of our dinners.   I never heard from him again.   I have no regrets about that conversation.    I have no regrets about losing that friendship.   I discovered that he was a male chauvinist. He discovered that not only was I a Southern Belle with Cowgirl spunk but a Feminist, too!

I refuse to believe that a group of well-dressed and intelligent women working in one of the most dynamic environments in the U.S are spending their valuable time competing for a man.    I refuse to believe that any woman is competing with another one for a man.   Now, I know there are some unhealthy relations between women and it may seem that it is about a man.   However, if you look deeper, usually you will find there are other underlying issues possibly related to self-awareness, emotional issues, depression, etc.   This is where the focus should be – on the root cause and not on the symptom.

We should never tolerate negative “blanket” statements about female behavior in our hearing.   As women, we are as varied as snowflakes and the motivations that shape our actions are the same.

QUESTION(S)

Do you believe that women compete with one another for the attention of a man?

Jealousy – The Green-Eyed Monster of Self-Destruction

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These past couple of weeks in Houston we watched the drama unfold as Dr. Ana Gonzalez-Agulo faced justice for poisoning her lover, Dr. George Blumenschein, by putting anti-freeze in his coffee.   Both are prestigious cancer doctors at M.D. Anderson Hospital which is renowned for the treatment of cancer.   It seems that Dr. Gonzalez-Agulo could not bear the thought of Dr. Blumenschein plans to have a child with his longtime girlfriend, Dr. Evette Toney.

What is baffling is that Dr. Gonzalez-Agile entered into this relationship with Dr. Blumenschein knowing he had a longtime, live-in girlfriend.   She knew her position in his life and I imagined he was so comfortable that he may have been callous in discussing his relational life with the longtime girlfriend with her.    He probably thought that behavior was acceptable since she had full knowledge of his primary relationship.  So, what happened to make her throw her whole career and life away?   What made her decide to destroy another person’s health in attempt to destroy his life?    Why didn’t she just walk away?

Jealousy.

Merriam-Webster defines jealousy as “an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.”

I call it the green-eyed monster that consumes  your reason when you realize you cannot control another human being.

Some of us (women) are so emotionally fractured that we cannot imagine life without a man – even a piece of a man.   We know that Dr. Gonzalez-Agulo is a brilliant woman to reach the pinnacle of her career and to work at M.D. Anderson hospital helping so many women with breast cancer.   However, because of this destructive emotion and her actions in the midst of it, Dr. Gonzalez-Agulo has been found guilty of aggravated assault and will serve 10 years in a Texas prison.

What a waste.

http://www.click2houston.com/news/doctor-found-guilty-of-poisoning-exlover-sentenced-to-10-years/28313270

QUESTION(S):

Have you ever experienced the green-eyed monster named Jealousy?

Do you have any advice on combating this self-destructive emotion?

He’s JUST a Man

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_DSC1998-EditRecently, I was asked for advice from a beautiful twenty-something young woman who is helping me to rediscover fitness in my life.    She needed some dating advice and I was flattered that she thought I could offer some helpful information to her.  After all, it has been awhile since I was twenty-something.

This young woman had recently reconnected with a male friend that she had worked with in the past.   He surprised her by confessing his feelings were more than friendship and asked if she would come and visit him as he lived in another city.   She was excited but apprehensive about this and asked my thoughts.

The first thing I did was to ask her about her feelings regarding his revelation and requests.   Her answers were very mature for her age.   She explained that she liked this young man and wanted to get to know him better “in a more-than-a-friendship way”.   However, she was concerned about going to his city and wanted to take things slow.  She wondered how to convey this to him.

I told her to tell him to come to her city (her “turf”)  for a visit and to tell him her boundaries.   She was amazed at my advice.   She asked, “Are you sure I can tell him my boundaries?   Is that okay?”    I laughed and told her it is perfectly fine for her to tell him her boundaries.   I asked her why she thought it would not be okay.   Her reply was, “Because he’s a man!”    I laughed and told her, “Yes, that’s right – he’s JUST a man”.     Her eyes lit up and she smiled.   I knew she understood.

It is important for young women (and some old ones, too) to understand that it is okay to have standards and boundaries for your relational life.    There was a time that women were considered “the prize” and she set the tone of the relationship.   Somehow that has gotten turned around and some of us are living a chameleon life.  We give a lot of energy trying to be a pleaser because we don’t want to be alone. Don’t lower your standards.   When you start contemplating them remind yourself….. “He’s JUST a man”.

QUESTION(S): What do you think about having dating standards?

 

The Best Things in Life #5 – Good Love

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Even though there have probably been more than a billion words written on the subject of LOVE, I feel compelled to send my words out into the world about it.   After all, it is Valentine’s Day – heart boxthe day for lovers.   Gifts will be given – candy, flowers, chocolate, jewelry, etc. and romantic dinners will be shared.  The retailers will be thrilled as they count their sales.   But, in my opinion, the best gift for Valentine’s Day cost nothing and should be given often – Good Love.

I believe good love is the aspiration of every couple with the pursuit of it bringing excitement to the relationship.    Good love is specific to each couple and should evolve with their personal growth so that the relationship does not grow stagnant.   Some aspects of good love should always seem elusive because the feeling that you have totally acquired it is the first step in taking it for granted.

And, with LOVE you should never take anything for granted.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

QUESTIONS:

How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

What do you think about “good love”?