GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

The Hubby Track

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1038415_HiResAs I mentioned in a previous post, I am always eavesdropping in public places.   As a writer, this is one of the methods we study dialogue so that the characters in our stories are unique in their speech.   So, you can only imagine some of the interesting unlikely conversations that I overhear.

One Monday morning at my “day job”, I overheard a conversation between two men about their weekend activities.   I love listening to discussions between men because, as a female writing about relationships, it is difficult to write from the male point of view.   It is even better when they think no one is listening like on this day when there was a cubicle wall between them and me.

One of the guys had the normal “guy” weekend and there was nothing noteworthy for me.   However, the other guy’s weekend was very interesting and humorous.    He mentioned that he had gone out on a first date with someone he met at the home of another friend.    He said that the date was going okay until the young woman started asking him all types of questions.   When asked what type of questions by his workmate, he replied, “Well, it felt like I was on a job interview.”   Now, this guy was from London, so just imagine hearing the exasperation in that statement with his accent.   I burst out laughing.  I could not help it.

Of course, they heard me and stopped talking.   I stood up and apologized explaining that I could not help but overhear the conversation.   I told him his date was ensuring that he was not a waste of her time.   He was puzzled so I told him a few things that cleared it up for him.  He was amazed that I guessed his date was established in her career and nearing the age of 30.   I explained to Mr. London that his date was on the “hubby track”.

The pressure “to marry” for some women can sometimes become a toxic situation.   This pressure can come from family, friends and definitely from the fact that there are more females in the population than males.   Therefore, some women are destined to remain single.  There are some women who do not want to be counted in that number and Mr. London’s date was one of those women.   Also, the horrible truth is that some women judge other women not by their individual successes, not by their contribution to society but by the fact of their marital status.   This is the ultimate pressure – how you are viewed by your peers.

In my own family, I have a relative who had a different fiancée at every family gathering attended to the point I was getting them mixed-up!   It was as if she had a wedding photo ready with a silhouette for a husband and any man available could replace that silhouette.   Needless to say, I was worried for her and I am still worried for her.   She has now been married multiple times and even now is unhappy in her current marriage.  I want to tell her it is okay to be single and that is okay just to get off the “hubby track”.

Now, I am a woman who believes in love and marriage.   I also believe that a woman should take the necessary time to look for the signs of a keeper (as stated in my earlier post of the same name) during the course of interacting with a prospective mate.  In time, you will know if he is the one for YOU.  However, if you are “hubby job interviewing” dates and/or mentally marrying every man you date, you need to take a break from the “hubby track” and investigate your chief motivating force.   It is my belief that you will find you are acting out of some fear – which is the wrong reason to be on the “hubby track”.

QUESTIONS:

Do you think that some women judge other women by their marital status?

Have you ever known someone that could have possibly been on the “hubby track”?  If so, can you share their outcome?

Signs of A Keeper

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I think there must be something about me that encourages persons to open up and share their relational concerns.  This has happened with men and women but mostly women.   When this happens I try to be neutral because I am on the outside looking in so I just turn on my listening ears.   I have surmised that the root cause of most of the issues is that some of us are ignoring the signs of relational differences and proceeding on with the idea that the other relational partner will change.   You can be sure they are thinking the same thing about you.

There are some things in a relationship that should be negotiable and there are some things that should be non-negotiable.  Here are a few things that I think you should consider non-negotiable and closely review before proceeding on in a relationship.

Strong Work Ethic – The Bible says if you don’t work you don’t eat.  The psychology of a real man is that he needs something to do and someone to protect.    So, girlfriend, he needs to have a blue collar, white collar, entrepreneurial state of mind.     You may not need him to bring home ALL of the bacon but he needs to bring home SOME of the bacon.

Walks His Talk – Some of us get mesmerized by all the sweet loving words and promises that are being said to us.   You need to make absolute sure that his ACTions are lining up with his words.  If he says that you are the world to him, he needs to treat you like you are the world to him.

Humility – He needs to believe in and honor a being/power superior than himself.   It is as simple as that.

Honor Thy Mother –   Girlfriend, you need to check that relationship with his Momma.  If he has a healthy relationship with the women in his family, you can expect that he knows how to have a healthy relationship with you.

Not Funny with the Money –   When you start thinking matrimony you need to also remember that most states are community property.  So you need to discover if you and your partner are on the same wavelength about money and financial health.   If you are not on the same wavelength, my advice – – – RUN…….in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

These are just a few non-negotiable traits I thought of but I am sure you get the gist of it.  Hopefully, you can determine a few more for yourself.   It is important for you to know what you are looking for in a relationship and not to compromise on those non-negotiable traits.

In reading “Comfort of Fences” by Stacy Overman Morrison, I was drawn to this statement made by matriarch Miss Betsy in a discussion with her daughter-in-law, Ruth. Miss Betsy knew what she wanted in her mate.

“Different girls want different things in marriage,” she continued. “I wanted a man who would be good to me and good for me. Finding that isn’t easy. I seen so many girls get married because the feeling they get, not ‘cause of the sense it makes. Marriage has to make sense, if you want it to work, anyways. Will made sense. He talked to me like I was as important a person as he was. At first that didn’t mean much because I figured he was some poor kid like me. It took a week of talking about me before he talked about himself. That’s when I began to gather who and what he was: a rich kid wishing he could paint instead of wade through cow manure on a South Texas ranch. 

We could all learn from Miss Betsy’s example.

QUESTIONS:

How do you feel about having negotiable and non-negotiable traits for a prospective mate?

What do you think about Miss Betsy’s comment?

NaBloPoMo #21 – The Way I Feel About Endings Is………

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I have made it to the end of the National Blog Post Month-November 2013 and I feel good that I have made it without missing a blog post.  I feel a sense of accomplishment about blogging now because I never thought I could find time to blog so often in my schedule.   Due to this experience, I have gained some insight on how I can improve my blog and blogging life.  So, this is an ending I feel good about which is usual for me when I reach a career goal.

Endings that I don’t normally feel good about are the endings of relationships.   Normally, when I befriend someone it is for life.   However, sometimes people outgrow one another and there comes a time when parting is the only amicable resolution.   These endings are always difficult for me even when they are necessary.

NaBloPoMo #14 – Let Me Tell You About My First Friend…………

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee

My very first friend was Princess Marie.   She was my first childhood friend outside of my family and extended family.   Princess lived down the street from me about 4 houses away.  We became friends around the time I was in the first grade and she was in kindergarten.    In the beginning, we normally spent our Saturdays playing together either at my house or at her house.

I really liked Princess but I always wondered why her name was Princess.    She didn’t look like the princesses we saw in books.    She had brown skin and her black, kinky hair was always braided.   I asked my mother about it and she told me that it was okay for her name to be Princess.    However, I think my mother felt I was having an identity issue because later she took me to the store to buy me one of the early models of the African-American baby doll.   To my shame, I remember how I cried and shouted to her that I didn’t want that “dirty” doll.

Princess’s house was on the corner and it had a huge backyard loaded with pecan trees.   When it was the right season, we would walk all over the backyard in our bare feet to feel for the pecans as we picked them.    Princess’s mother would always give me a big bag of pecans to take home to my mother.    Princess’s mother would make pecan pies and my mother would make homemade ice cream adding the pecans to it.   We loved that time of the year.

Our friendship did have a few bumpy spots.    One day, while playing with our paper dolls, Princess became angry because I wouldn’t let her use one of my paper doll dresses for her doll.    While I was in the restroom, she tore the heads off of all of my paper dolls!   When I discovered it, I told her mother who scooped up all of Princess’s paper dolls/clothes and gave them to me.    What a punishment!

The important lesson I learned from that friendship was the consequences of lying.    One day, I was angry with Princess for some reason so I told her that my mother did not want her to come over to our house anymore.    I saw Princess’s mother sitting near the window but I did not think she heard me…….but she did.   Afterwards, she would never let Princess come to visit me anymore.    When my mother would ask me why Princess didn’t come over anymore, I had to lie again and say I didn’t know.   It was a stressful dilemma and one I never forgot.

Our friendship ended when my family moved away.   I was now going to the fifth grade and society had improved in Houston.  Neighborhoods were integrating and my parents, who were a lot younger than Princess’s parents, wanted to be a part of it.

NaBloPoMo #12 – A Blog Post That I Didn’t Publish

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee

Most times my life experiences provide a great amount of subject matter for my prose.  However, there is one topic that I have started to write about and have been unable to send it out into the world.    This topic is about that unavoidable, inescapable emotion – grief.

Losing those you love dearly is difficult and the emotions that are expressed vary with each individual.  I started a blog post about the way that others relate to the grieving person in the midst of their obvious pain.     Many of us are so uncomfortable in the face of grief that we don’t realize that our actions and/or discussions are inappropriate for the recovery of the grieving person.   I want my post to be enlightening on this subject.  However, at this moment my feelings are too raw about it due to my own experiences.   My words need to be “tempered” before I can publish the post and I am willing to wait until I can accomplish that goal.