GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

His Mere Presence

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Your man is reclined on your sofa in front of your big screen with the remote control in his hand.  His tennis shoes are kicked off and over to the side of the room.  There is a whiff of his smelly socks in the air.  You are either in the kitchen preparing him another “dinner at your place”  or sitting in the room with him glaring out of the corner of your eyes …………BUT you are totally unnoticed by him.   Sounds familiar?  Maybe too familiar?   You may not know this but you are in the zone of “his mere presence”.

In discussions with other single women about what they desire in a mate, most report, “I want a man that wants to DO something”.  When I ask “What?” the reply is usually the same – – “Anything!”

There are some men that believe that women should be content with him just “being” in their lives.   I call it “his mere presence”.   These men actually wonder what all of the hoopla is about when we women start making plans – – demands in his mind – – to do “things” other than his visiting you and you catering to his every wish.

One of my closest friends reported she was constantly asked by a guy she met “what are you cooking tonight?”   When she finally inquired “when are you taking me out to dinner?” His reply was “Don’t worry; I’ll get around to it.”  Lucky for her, she saw the entrance signs to the “his mere presence” zone and stopped personal interactions with him.

In my own personal experience, I, unknowingly, entered that zone and stayed a very long time.  I stopped doing many of the activities I loved and adapted to a life that was really boring to me but I could not admit it.   Even when planning a trip to beautiful Hawaii with my guy he indicated what he wanted to do (throw a fishing rod over the hotel balcony and relax while fishing) but never once asked me what I wanted to do.   I discarded that dream of seeing Hawaii with him.

It was a small insignificant event that finally opened my eyes.

On that day, I was lying across my bed bored and dozing.  My guy was visiting me and sitting at my computer desk doing some work on the computer, which was set up in my bedroom.   He looked over at me over his bifocals with this huge grin on his face and said “This is just how I like it…..you lying across the bed and me here doing some work!!”   At that moment, the hammer of reality about my relationship slammed across my head.   He was content.  I was bored and miserable.   Our needs were different.   Unfortunately, for us there was no middle ground.  The relationship went downhill and ended.

There were several years that I spent alone but eventually, in the middle of one of my adventures, I found the man who was a match for me with the same adventurous spirit.   All I had to say was “Let’s” and he would finish it with “Go”.   I did go to Hawaii with him and marked off my bucket list the view from the top of Diamond Head in Oahu.   We trekked to the top together and inhaled the beautiful view of Waikiki Beach down below.  This man was of a different race and culture than me and the men in my past.   However, this fact was insignificant as our personalities matched and there was a lot of happiness in our sharing.

So, my message to you is expand your horizons.  Don’t settle for life in the zone of “his mere presence”.   You have one journey here and the right to DO those things that are important to you.   If you want to share it with someone, extend your search and find that person who matches your enthusiasm about “doing”.   If necessary, don’t be afraid to “DO” alone.   You will probably find that perfect match in the middle of doing that “thing you DO”.

Here are my four  steps to avoiding the zone of “his mere presence”:

Step 1 – Within yourself, embrace the desire to have a man “doing” in your life as the priority instead of his “being” in it.

Step 2 – Broaden your horizons.  Don’t limit yourself to a specific range of men for personal interactions.  Sometimes our biases impact our happiness.

Step 3 – Boldly convey to a prospective mate that you want someone to DO in your life – – not just BE in your life.

Step 4 – Periodically reassess the personality of your relationship.   If it doesn’t fit anymore, don’t force it.

QUESTION(S):

1.  Have you ever been to the zone of “his mere presence”?    If so, please share your experience.

2.  Do you have any friends that are languishing in this zone and unaware of it?   If so, will you enlighten them now?

Check Out This Interesting Article

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Hi Everyone,

I am browsing the internet and came across an interesting article to share with all of you.

A Message to Women From a Man:  You Are Not “Crazy”

Check out this link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

A Girlfriend Gathering – The 1st Blog Reader “Meet & Greet” Mixer

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This past weekend I hosted my first “meet & greet” mixer for readers of my blog – Gossip from the Girlfriend Gatherings.   We had a BLAST!

The event was held at “The Tasting Room at River Oaks” in Houston – www.tastingroomwines.com – which is conveniently centrally located and in one of my favorite areas of my hometown.    The Tasting Room had the perfect atmosphere and ambiance that I wanted for the event so that we could relax, have a glass or two of wine, munch on some tasty goodies, and chit chat.

The attendees were a little surprised at the ice-breaker introduction I composed for them to complete and read aloud but their full participation made it a fun and candid moment.   We really opened up with one another.  We learned about each other and about ourselves.  (You can find the ice-breaker introduction document at the end of the post).   Also, I compiled a list of “jinxed” words that could not be used during the event that prompted the attendees to only talk about what they do for themselves and not for others.   It was a challenge for a couple of them.

We played a couple of games for prizes and we all enjoyed the “Girls Night Out Pink – Table Topics” game where we pulled a card and had to respond to the question on the card, (i.e., Would you go topless on a topless beach?).   The questions were surprising and thought-provoking.   Our answers were candid and even hilarious.

I asked the attendees to bring their favorite blog posts.   We read a couple and discussed them all.   Some of the selections surprised me and I was humbled that  my words touched others.  I really appreciated the active participation from everyone.

I was somewhat nervous because I was unaware of a “format” for such an event.  So, I created my own format and I believe it was a success.   Everyone told me how much they enjoyed it and how much fun was had by all.   We laughed a lot and it made some women in the public area of the café curious as to our activity.   I gave them one of my blog cards and they promised to check it out.

So,  based on this outcome, I will plan to make this an annual event to provide an opportunity for women to come together, bond, share, and make new friends.

For those of you that attended – I TRULY THANK YOU.   I would appreciate any feedback you can post here on the blog site.   For those of you that were unable to attend, I will keep you in the loop on future events.

 

ICE BREAKER INTRODUCTION

My name is ___________________________ and I am a (an) _________________________________.    In one word I would describe myself as _______________________________________.                                                       One of the things I like to do during my ME time is _______________________________________________________________.

I have discovered the work I love and it is _________________________________.

If I was single and available, I would take these three men (1)____________________ (2) __________________________(3) ___________________________ to create my ideal mate.  (Please describe one characteristic from each man).

If I had an open ticket to go anywhere in the world, I would go to __________________________ and I would take ________________________ with me.

One of the things that my girlfriends and I do when we “gather” is ___________________________________________________________________.

A Girlfriend Gathering – On The Road at the Hotel Galvez

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Known as the “Queen of the Gulf”, the Hotel Galvez stands proudly on Seawall Boulevard in Galveston, Texas.   She has stood there for 100 years, a survivor of the devastating weather that often arrives from the companion and adversary that she faces every day – the mighty Gulf of Mexico.

Just an hour drive from downtown Houston, this hotel has become a favorite spot for myself and my girlfriends to runaway to on the occasional beautiful Sunday morning when a mimosa in hand  and an ocean vista is the right antidote after a long week.  Named after Bernardo de Galvez, the Spanish Colonial governor that chartered the Texas Gulf Coast and the city that bears his name, the architecture of the hotel has all the glamour and flavor of the Spanish hacienda.   In 1980, it was aptly named in the National Registrar of Historic Places, which is the official list of our nation’s historic places worthy of preservation.  

As a native Texan and a history “buff”, I enjoy visiting this hotel for an occasional Sunday Brunch.   The “old world” atmosphere and glamour with a picturesque view of the palm trees waving at the ocean is very relaxing.   Overall, the food offerings are similar to other upscale hotel brunches but the Hotel Galvez will offer something a little different – spicy, flavorful, extraordinary – something with that Texas flare.   It is always a tasty and delightful surprise.

So, if you feel like a pleasant long drive, grab your girlfriends, hop on I-45 and head south.   Eventually, you will reach the mighty Gulf and the Queen that reigns there.

Coming Apart

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The divorce rate in the United States is 45.8 percent.   This means that 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce.   With this statistic, we can safely speculate that there is also a high turnover in couple relationships prior to marriage.   So, what is happening?    What prevent couples from staying together?

There is a premise that some relationships are destined to come apart.   This premise suggests that couples come together for a common need/goal but some individuals may have a personal need/goal that they are trying to satisfy.  

This personal need/goal can be a conscious one or even a subconscious one and usually is not communicated to the other individual in the relationship.  When that personal need/goal is met, sometimes that individual decides to move on to another personal need/goal which may compromise the current relationship.

Is this done in a deliberate and considerate manner?   What do you think?   

Sometimes the person that wants out of the current relationship starts to act out – consciously or subconsciously – to sabotage the relationship.    Getting involved with others and leaving clues to be discovered or purposely exceeding the boundaries of the relationship are the common methods.   Some persons cannot or will not express that they just want “out”.   They do stupid things to wound and humiliate the other party creating lifelong resentments. 

 Most of us just do not believe that a relationship can be ended gracefully.

It would be easier if we fully understand why and how we choose our specific mates.  It would be easier if we all could be totally honest with one another about the reasons why we want a relationship with the other person.   We probably would find that many of these reasons would be more practical and realistic than idealistic and there would probably be fewer marriages.   But, I bet those that did get married would probably stay together fulfilling their commitment.

There is a wonderful book on this subject that I read over 10 years ago and plan to re-visit again.   Even though I am not in a current relationship, I believe this book is a good pre-requisite to beginning a relationship.   The title is “Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours” by Daphne Rose Kingma.

Check it out.   You may find it enlightening.

Question(s):

  1.  Do you know of any relationship that truly ended gracefully?   If so, please share.
  2. Would you be offended if a person told you that they wanted to marry you for a practical reason (i.e., I think we could build a good life together) instead of professing an “undying” love for you?