GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

Coming Apart

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The divorce rate in the United States is 45.8 percent.   This means that 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce.   With this statistic, we can safely speculate that there is also a high turnover in couple relationships prior to marriage.   So, what is happening?    What prevent couples from staying together?

There is a premise that some relationships are destined to come apart.   This premise suggests that couples come together for a common need/goal but some individuals may have a personal need/goal that they are trying to satisfy.  

This personal need/goal can be a conscious one or even a subconscious one and usually is not communicated to the other individual in the relationship.  When that personal need/goal is met, sometimes that individual decides to move on to another personal need/goal which may compromise the current relationship.

Is this done in a deliberate and considerate manner?   What do you think?   

Sometimes the person that wants out of the current relationship starts to act out – consciously or subconsciously – to sabotage the relationship.    Getting involved with others and leaving clues to be discovered or purposely exceeding the boundaries of the relationship are the common methods.   Some persons cannot or will not express that they just want “out”.   They do stupid things to wound and humiliate the other party creating lifelong resentments. 

 Most of us just do not believe that a relationship can be ended gracefully.

It would be easier if we fully understand why and how we choose our specific mates.  It would be easier if we all could be totally honest with one another about the reasons why we want a relationship with the other person.   We probably would find that many of these reasons would be more practical and realistic than idealistic and there would probably be fewer marriages.   But, I bet those that did get married would probably stay together fulfilling their commitment.

There is a wonderful book on this subject that I read over 10 years ago and plan to re-visit again.   Even though I am not in a current relationship, I believe this book is a good pre-requisite to beginning a relationship.   The title is “Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours” by Daphne Rose Kingma.

Check it out.   You may find it enlightening.

Question(s):

  1.  Do you know of any relationship that truly ended gracefully?   If so, please share.
  2. Would you be offended if a person told you that they wanted to marry you for a practical reason (i.e., I think we could build a good life together) instead of professing an “undying” love for you?

Women of A Certain Age – Vulvovaginal Atrophy

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When you really take some moments and think about it – a woman’s hormonal journey is just not fair!   In the early years, we deal with PMS, menstrual cycles, acne, birth control,  pregnancy, post-partum and then, later,  it becomes perimenopause, menopause, acne (again), hot flashes, Hormone Replacement Therapy……the list goes on.

Even though some of us no longer have inhibitions about discussing our sexuality, we still have subjects we avoid discussing with our spouses/partners, our closest girlfriends and even acknowledging to ourselves.   Vulvovaginal Atrophy, commonly known as Vaginal Dryness, is one of those subjects.

No one wants to admit they are experiencing this condition but the truth is 30 million women who are postmenopausal (or have had their uterus and/or both ovaries removed) are suffering the discomforts of this condition which include inflammation, persistent itching, redness, burning, and pain during sexual intercourse.  Typically, the decline in estrogen production causes vulvovaginal atrophy (thinning and inflammation of the vaginal walls) but it can also occur during breast feeding.  Also, it is reported that smoking and never giving birth vaginally are contributing risk factors for vaginal atrophy.

It is estimated that half of the women who suffer vaginal atrophy never seek help and just resign themselves to the symptoms because of embarrassment.  If you or someone you know are experiencing this condition, please seek help from your doctor.

Currently, there is research occurring on a new medication for this condition.  It is called the Venus Study.   You can get more information about it at the following link  www.venusstudy.com

Although this condition is common in menopausal women it has been determined that not all menopausal women suffer from it.   It seems that regular sexual activity helps you maintain healthy vaginal tissue.

So, ladies,  here is an easy tip for a  preventative measure.

Get busy and have more sex!

QUESTIONS

1.    Do you find it difficult to discuss your sexual health with your spouse/partner, your best girlfriends, and your doctor?

2.   Do you think a decline in sexual desire is a natural progression of aging?

“The Help” – A Girlfriend Gathering Review

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Recently, my girlfriends and I turned our bi-monthly brunch dates into book club meetings.   Our first book was “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett.   We met, ate Red Velvet pancakes (with cream cheese, chocolate drops and warm syrup), discussed the book and darted off to the theatre to see the movie.   Below are the reviews:

Book Review

 With prose where no word was wasted, Kathryn Stockett reminded us of a historical period that some revere and others regret.   She took us on a journey where women, Black and White, evolved in self-discovery despite the constraints of the society in which they lived.   Even though this was a work of fiction, the presentation of the characters and their lives enlightened us to the undercurrents and bonds that surely existed in a time when racial  and sexual boundaries were so distinct.

Abileen – with her slow burning courage,  Minny – with her feisty stance on demanding her due respect, Celia – with her color-blind humanity, and Skeeter – with her birthing impatience of her stagnant environment, taught us to transcend those stereotypes that we may harbor from a time we never experienced.   These characters, along with the many others, lived and breathe in my imagination throughout this book.  There was not one moment when it was easy to put it down which is truly the sign of an excellent writer.

Movie Review

 Although there were a few changes to the movie adaptation of the book, the movie portrayal did not waver from the integrity of the story presented in the book.    I was VERY pleased of this fact.

Viola Davis (Abileen), Octavia Spencer (Minny), Emma Stone (Eugenia – Skeeter),  Bryce Dallas Howard (Hilly),  Jessica Chastain (Celia), and Ahna O’Reilly (Elizabeth) portrayed their characters EXACTLY as I imagined them.   Their voices, dialogue, appearances, mannerisms……….everything…..was just as I imagined from the book.    In my opinion, all of them deserve the Oscar.  However, I must state that I wanted to slap Hilly much more from the movie version than from reading the book so maybe the Oscar should go to Bryce Dallas Howard.

I must also comment on the movie settings and the authenticity to furnishings and clothing details.   They were magnificent in setting the mood and the tone for the time period.

Overall, I was very pleased with the movie.   I saw it twice – once with my girlfriends and then, again, with my mother.   I HIGHLY recommend it to everyone that lives in the USA.

My Personal View

I am one that reveres the historical significance of this period and the sacrifices that everyone (Black and White) made to progress our country.  My grandmother and my aunt were maids when I was very young.   No one ever told me this but I remember seeing them in uniforms similar to what was depicted in the book/movie and I recall that my grandmother always worked late on the holidays because she was cooking at her job.   (She was a fabulous cook/baker.)   This book gave me a glimpse into their experiences.   It told me things about this part of their lives that they could not share with me because (I believe) they hoped for more for me.

It is easy to live in 2011 and look back in disdain on the 1960’s to say what we would do or not do – what we would tolerate or not tolerate.   But, as one who is a direct beneficiary of all of the pain and sacrifices experienced during that period, I challenge all of you to open your minds and glimpse into the heart and souls of those who truly had the courage to risk everything and demand change.   Even though this book and movie is a work of fiction, I believe it is an accurate portrayal of the diverse natures of those who actually lived the lives portrayed in the story.

QUESTIONS:

Did you read the book?   Did you see the movie?   If so, please share your thoughts about it.

Six Months Later – The Romance Checkpoint

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This post is for the romantics – for those that actively pursue those passionate and romantic moments in a relationship.

It has been six months since “V” Day and time to prompt all you lovers to check the romance gauge in your relationship.

Here is a checklist to get you started:

In the past six months…………………………

1. Have you received chocolates, flowers, love notes, etc.?

2. Has he called you by that endearing love name (sweetie, baby, etc)?

3. Has he offered to massage your feet?

4. Has he dropped by the office lately just to take you to lunch?

5. Have you been surprised with an invitation to a romantic candlelight dinner (that you did not have to prepare)?

6. Have you showered together?

7. Has he greeted you in a state of (sexy) undress with a chilled glass of wine?

8. Have you been serenaded with your favorite love song?

9. Have you swayed in his arms to the sound of a jazz saxophone?

10. Have you participated in non-routine lovemaking?

Give your mate 10 points for every “YES” answer. Please deduct 5 points for every “NO” answer.

70 or Higher is Passing
69 or Lower is Failing

If your total is a negative number, then drop that Zero and get yourself a Hero.

Questions:

How do you measure the romance in your relationship?

What are some of the things your mate does for you that you find romantic?

Down in the Valley – The Valley So Low

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Life has ups and downs – peaks and valleys. It is really like a rollercoaster ride – slow ascents and fast descents. Sometimes the descent is so fast that we hit the valley experience of life and get stuck there. This stagnate place is aptly named depression.

Let us be honest. We all have landed in that valley-so-low at some point. It really does not matter how we got there as it is a part of the human experience. But what does matter is how long we stayed there. A long stay can result in a serious emotional illness.

It is important for us, especially as women, to identify when we are having emotional distress that is leading to depression. Sometimes the symptoms can be subtle and manifest into strange behaviors.

Symptoms of depression in women include:
• persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism
• sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening
• appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down”
• thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
• difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

It is rumored that healthcare professionals have on the average about 7 minutes to spend with a patient. So, the knee-jerk response to addressing depression, especially in women, is to prescribe anti-depressants. Also, in some cases, middle-aged women with menopausal symptoms have been prescribed anti-depressants instead of hormone replacement therapy.

It is reported that 1 in 3 women have used anti-depressants at some time in their life and that 46 percent of women currently using them have done so for at least five years. It is truly an epidemic.

Plus, the anti-depressants have side effects that can possibly exacerbate the situation. Have you ever really listened to the television advertisements for anti-depressants? The list of the side-effects is twice as long as the description of the benefits!

Of course, there are valid medical (hormonal levels) and psychological reasons (childhood trauma, family predisposition, etc.) for depression but there are also some opinions that many forms of depression are normal and natural – serving an evolutionary purpose as an adaptive response to pain and affliction.

This school of thought indicates that taking anti-depressants can prohibit the mind and body from working through a needed struggle. It is also suggested that one of the best antidotes for depression is a strong, non-judgmental support system.

In other words, you need a strong, caring, trustworthy girlfriend with good listening skills.

This recommendation resonated with me as this has been my approach through those “valley” moments in my life and I have sought to be that type of friend to my girlfriends when I detected they were having “valley” moments.

Here are some other natural methods to combat depression:

• Eat a balanced diet, avoiding foods with high sugar content.
• Take a good multivitamin-mineral combination, including omega-3’s (EPA and DHA).
• Make sure you get adequate Vitamin D, preferably from the natural sunlight.
• Get at least 8 hours of sleep each night.
• Exercise 4–6 times a week for 30–60 minutes, preferably outdoors.
• Avoid alcohol.
• Try drug-free relaxation methods such as transcendental meditation or yoga.

A really good tip is to use this “valley” opportunity to take a view into what is going on in your life and how you are feeling about it. Usually, you will find there are valid reasons for the depression. This realization can prompt you to actively seek the appropriate help and start that “ascent” out of the valley.

Remember, there is a reason the ascent on life’s rollercoaster is slower than the descent. We have a lot to evaluate and retain as we rise up.

QUESTIONS:

Have you ever used anti-depressants for depression? If so, please share your experience.

Have you ever had a girlfriend that really helped you out of a “valley” moment in your life? If so, please share your experience.

Would you rather take anti-depressants instead of hormone replacement therapy for menopausal symptoms?

Do you believe that some forms of depression is normal and natural in the human experience?