Obsession

 It would be wonderful if Obsession was truly only just that good-smelling cologne on a sexy man in a Calvin Klein TV commercial.   But, according to Merriam-Webster, obsession is “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.”   

 If I had to put a face on obsession, it would be a dark-cloaked being with large clawed groping hands lurking in the shadows and corners of another person’s life waiting to drain every ounce of energy and productiveness from that other person with a controlling destructiveness that is maniacal.

 I speak from experience because I was once a victim of an obsessive stalker.

 It would have helped me to determine the personality of my stalker had he truly appeared as the being I described above but he was completely the opposite.   He had a head-turning handsomeness and a charismatic personality that belied the true nature within.     In hindsight, there were signs but I was very young and too inexperienced to see them early on.

 The warnings of his personality came from his own mother.  One day while we were visiting her, she sent him on an errand and told me she wanted to tell me something because “I was too good for her son”.   She proceeded to tell me that he had several other girlfriends that he was seeing while I was attending college.  She told me that he had told them all about me because they had called her to “whine” about his relationship with me…..his fiancée.   

 Her advice to me was to break-up with him because “he will never change” but she told me that she did not know how I would do it because “he is obsessed with you”.   I did not know what that meant at the time but I soon found out.

 Heeding her advice, I promptly broke up with him.   I stopped seeing him and I stopped talking to him.   This is when the nightmare started.   He started following me.

 I would be in my car at an intersection waiting on the stop light to change and the next thing I knew he would be knocking at my car window.   I would come to my car in the parking lot at the university and he would be parked by my car waiting for me.   Morning, noon, or night – he would follow me, begging me to talk to him, to come back to him and when I refused he would become very angry.  He even went to a family member and begged her to convince me to talk to him and she had to throw him out when he started shouting on the phone at me because I would not talk back to him.

 It was one of the toughest periods in my life.    I thought I would never get rid of him.   There were probably legal remedies but I did not think of that and I did not tell my parents. I am not sure there were any stalking laws at that time.

 During that time, I met a nice guy in my class.  He was very attentive and I knew he wanted to ask me out for a date but I did not want to get involved with someone new while this jerk was stalking me.    After refusing a couple of dates, on the third request I told the new guy all about the stalker.   He was very concerned for me.  He told me not to worry that he still wanted to get to know me better. 

 My new guy started walking me to my car after class.   I felt safe with him as he was a tall guy, ex-Navy, with a black belt in karate.  We started dating and for a few months I had a reprieve.    Then one day, while waiting for my new guy to come over to visit, the stalker knocked on my door.   I opened the door and walked out on the porch to talk to him.   I told him it was over, that I had met someone else.  Just at that moment, my new guy drove up.   I walked out passed the stalker and threw my arms around my new guy in a big hug and a big kiss.

 I heard wild laughter coming from the porch.   When I turned around, the stalker had walked up to us.   My new guy told him man-to-man that it was over and that he would be making sure that I was not being harassed anymore.

The stalker replied and told my new guy that I was a good woman and that he would never give up trying to win me back even though I had told him it was over.  

 (Later, I found out the wild laughter came from my younger sister.   She told me that when I hugged and kissed my new guy, the stalker grabbed his chest like he was having a heart attack and started swaying in the driveway like he was going to fall down).

 The stalker didn’t call for a long time but he did call back.  I still refused to talk to him.   Eventually, I moved away from my parent’s home but over the years, the stalker would sometimes call on the holidays when he knew I was visiting my parents.   When I would hear his voice, I would just hang up.   A few years ago, I saw a small notice in the obituary section of the newspaper regarding his death.   It was only then that I breathe a sigh of relief and felt truly free of him.

 So, when I hear about a brilliant and productive woman attempting to break into her on-again-off-again boyfriend’s home with a shovel and then climbing up a ladder onto the roof to jump down the chimney to her death because she is obsessed, I am not surprised.    I wonder what other outrageous acts she had committed before that night and did she experience any regrets before she suffocated to death while stuck in that chimney.

 There are some persons that feel the need to control others.   When they can no longer control the other person, I think they become obsessed with “correcting” the behavior of the other person so that the status quo can continue.    Perhaps there are different degrees of “obsession” but even the minimal amount should not be tolerated.

 In my opinion, the only person you can really control is yourself.   

 There is peace of mind in that realization.

 Questions:

 Do you think obsession grows from controlling behaviors?

 How would you feel about someone spying on your every move (checking your cell phone, timing your commutes)?  

 How would you feel about someone searching thru your things (pockets, purses, briefcases, etc.)?

 Do you think the above is “obsessive” behaviors?

I have never been good with hints.   I don’t give them nor do I catch them.   My communication style is direct so I have received a lot of “kicks” under the table when the hints and double-talking are flowing nearby.   I know there are others like me and this can be a fatal flaw when relating with someone who has a different communication style.

 I was reminded of this the other day while having lunch alone and using my “writer” observation skills.    There were two guys having lunch together at a table near my table.   I listened to their conversation which became very interesting…. (this is not eavesdropping but working on my dialogue techniques).

 One of them was in a long-term marriage and the other one was divorced and exclusively dating.    The meat of the conversation went something like this:

 “So, how long have you and Kathy been dating?” married Joe asked.

“For five years”, divorced Sam responded.

“Wow!  That long?”

“Well, I told her I would marry her tomorrow if she would sign a pre-nup but she wouldn’t do it.   So, we just continue to date.”

 Of course, my writer’s imagination took off and I started building a story in my mind as to why Kathy would continue to date Sam.   The summary of my thoughts was that she thinks he will change his mind one day and marry her without the pre-nuptial agreement.   From the tone that was in his voice, I can tell her that he will never change his mind.

 Sam went on to talk about his divorce and how he had to give the first wife all of their real property to safeguard his 401K.   Also, he went into some details about his 80 year-old widower father who was about to remarry and how he had the father sign over his real property to him/other siblings and directed him to acquire a pre-nup before remarriage.   Surely, if Kathy knew all of these details she should have a clear picture of her chances of marrying Sam without a pre-nup.

 Perhaps if Sam had been direct and told Kathy “I will never marry you unless you sign a pre-nup” Kathy would have moved on since she did not want to sign a pre-nup.  Instead, she was continuing in a dead-end relationship and divorced Sam was perfectly content with the status quo.

 Was this another communication disconnect or a covert manipulation?   I wondered.  

Question(s):

 What do you think?   Communication disconnect?   Covert Manipulation?

 Are you good with hints?

 Do you prefer direct communication?  Even when it is disappointing news?

Recently, I attended a social event and had the opportunity to meet and talk to a really nice woman.   We ate and had a delightful discussion during the course of a murder mystery play.

One of the things she mentioned was that she was a divorcee and I asked her if she wanted to remarry.   She answered that she did but the dating game was difficult and it seemed that men in their forties preferred much younger women.  So, I asked her “what action do you take when you see a man that you may want to know better?”   Her answer was “nothing” and that she wasn’t very good at flirting.

I asked her did she ever consider just smiling at him.   She told me no and that she would feel very uncomfortable doing so.   So, I surmised that she hopes to meet someone with psychic capabilities.   I find that most women are waiting on that same type of man.

Culturally, women have been taught to not be assertive in pursuing their desires and dreams.   We are told to play the “waiting” game, to “hope” to be the chosen one and all the while someone wonderful may be a smile away.

When I was in college, a girlfriend and I went to the university library to study.   Now, I was dressed in some jeans, a tee-shirt, a ponytail, no makeup, and sandals.   My girlfriend was dressed as always……well-coordinated and appearing like a magazine model.  

When we sat down at our study table, I noticed a good-looking guy sitting at another table but facing me.   Since I was already in a relationship, I told my girlfriend to switch seats with me so that she would be facing him and maybe get his attention.  I told her to smile but she did not.

So, we sat there studying, 2-3 hours passed, and I really forgot about the guy sitting there.   Suddenly, my girlfriend looked up behind me and the guy walked by our table.   He slid an index card on our table to me and it said “You have a beautiful smile.  Please call me”   and his phone number was on the card.   I laughed.  He had only seen my face for about 5 minutes but had faced her unsmiling one for 3 hours.  It proved my theory.

Another time, I was on a business trip in Chicago.   I entered an elevator on the 15^th floor of my hotel and there was a man on it that would have put a young Denzel Washington on the backseat in a “most handsome” contest.   I smiled at him.   By the time we made it to the 1^st floor he had told me everything about himself that a single woman would need to know to make sure a man was available.

 I don’t think they are more powerful than any other person’s but my smiles have brought some interesting people, lifelong friends, and wondrous adventures into my life.

Here is something I wrote about it as a writing exercise once.  I think it adequately sums up my thoughts on the power of a simple smile.

Writing Exercise

“Be the first to smile” has always been something I tried to incorporate in my interaction with people.   An uninvited smile can generate lots of positive forces in one’s life.   It can incite curiosity, spark interest, create more smiles, or cause a positive action and/or thought within a total stranger.

There is truth to that old saying that a smile is like honey.   But, why is it that so many of us find it hard to smile “just because”?    Why do we use it as a response instead of an overt action?

A genuine smile from the heart can radiate beauty from anyone.   It is a gift that costs nothing but gains only positive rewards.   We should all put aside our reserve for one day and be the first to smile.   See what happens.   Make a list of the positive things that unfold.

Question(s):

1.  If you are single, do you think you have enough confidence to “be the first to smile” at a person that attracts you?   If not, why?    Do you consider it flirting?

This past weekend I was driving home from Austin, Texas after communing with other writers in a writing workshop and I thought about how lucky I was to be able to attend these activities.  Writing is a very solitary art and writers spend a lot of time alone researching and writing so it is good to be with others who are pursuing the same passion.

The path to writing was not an easy journey.   I have a successful “day job” which I like but there was a creative part of me that was unsatisfied.   We all have a creative side and when it is not nurtured a person can experience a “blueness of the soul” that cannot be satisfied and is often misunderstood.   Sometimes, we try to fill it with people, with things, etc. and it doesn’t help.

When it happened to me I thought back to a time when I was truly, truly happy and the image that came to me was a young girl sitting on the picnic table in her backyard writing in her notebook.  I wanted that feeling back so I picked up a notebook again and started attending writing classes.

Even though I am not earning any money (yet) writing and it does cost money to attend workshops, classes, and conferences, I am thoroughly energized when I am writing.  It doesn’t matter that I can only do it part-time because the emotional benefits are worth every dollar I have spent in the pursuit.  It is the one thing that I do solely for me.

I believe that it is important to find that one thing (not person) to do that you are passionate about.  We all have it and we did it as children but growing up and adapting to the adult world made us forget.  For me, I always knew it was writing.  However, there are some people who have yet to re-discover it.     

So, I challenge you to pursue the thing you really love to do.

Here is a site to help you in finding the work you love: http://zenhabits.net/2008/08/finding-the-work-you-love/

If this doesn’t help try a few sessions of quiet time where you reflect on your past and the times when you were the happiest.    You may be surprised at the revelation.

QUESTIONS:

Are you DOING the work you love?  If so, what is it?

If you are not doing the work you love, what is preventing you from pursuing it?