GOSSIP FROM THE GIRLFRIEND GATHERINGS

Learning from YOU to empower ME !

NaBloPoMo #19 – The Accomplishment I Am Most Proud Of Is………

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee

I have been blessed to accomplish some wonderful things in my life in which the latest is taking an idea, shaping it into a story and writing my first draft of that story.   However, the accomplishment I am “most” proud of is graduating from college.  I am proud of this feat because it was a dream I almost had to give up.

I had always planned to attend college at UCLA and made sure that I met all of the college entrance requirements.  However, in the summer between my junior and senior year in high school, I made a mistake.   All it took was being “home alone”, a bottle of ill-gotten wine, and the Isley Brothers’ “Hello, It’s Me” on the record player.  I became pregnant at the age of sixteen.   I did not marry and became a single teenage mother three months before high-school graduation….. but I did make it to the prom and marched down the aisle to get my diploma.

So, now I had made a life-altering decision.  All I wanted was to be a good mother and to go on to college.   I turned eighteen 3 months after high school graduation and 1 month later I had a full-time office clerical job.   The fall semester after my son turned two years old (and was potty trained), I started college at UH.   With the help of my parents and my extended family, I parented my son, worked 40 hrs/week, and attended college.    I took a minimum of 12 hours a semester, attended every summer session, and gave up all social activities.  It took me 5 years instead of 4 but I made it through to graduation and acquired the one thing that can never be taken away from me……….an education.

Sometimes I look back on that experience and I am amazed at how I did it.  It was so HARD but I was SO focused.   I think if I had stopped and just thought about the magnitude of what I was doing I probably would have labeled it as “impossible” and gave up.  But I did not stop and I did not give up.

And, this is why it is the accomplishment that I am most proud of.

NaBloPoMo #10 – Morning Person or Night Owl? I Am A…….

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee

When I hear the sounds of birds chirping and see the dawning day creeping around the edge of the blinds in my bedroom all I want to do is snuggle down in my bed and get a couple more hours of sleep.   That early morning sleep is the best kind but the reality is I have an 8am – 5pm day job.

I have all kinds of alarm clock schemes to wake up early to go to the day job.   I set the clock 1 hour ahead so when it does alarm at 6am I breathe a sigh of relief because I know it is really 5am when I hit the snooze button.   Then I play tag with the snooze button every 10 minutes until the clock reads 7:30am which is an acceptable hour to wake for my mental state even though I know the clock is 1 hour ahead and it is really 6:30am.    I play this game every week, Monday thru Friday.   These are not the actions of a morning person.

Now, in the early evening, I arrive home from the day job and have my dinner.   At this time, I enter into my “writing life” state of mind.  During the weekday evenings, I am working on my novel project, composing a blog post, reading my latest Writers’ Digest or The Writer magazine or continuing with an online monthly writing class.   Writing is my passion and the “work I love” so it gives me a burst of energy whenever I am engaged in it.   Therefore, I am usually working on my writing projects until after midnight and on the weekends I can stay up until 2am – 3am.   Since I don’t have to wake early on the weekends, I can sleep until my body is ready to wake up.   There is no need to play the alarm clock game.    So, I am a person who revels and produce in the nighttime hours – – – definitely the actions of a night owl.

NaBloPoMo #5– If I Had to Change My First Name, I Would Choose…….

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee

If I was mandated to change my first name, I would rebel.    I would rise up and use all the power I could muster to retain my first name of Elaine.     You see I love my given names – Elaine Rouchelle.     I fell in love with my name as a child when my mother told me how my name was chosen.    My mother told me she allowed my beautiful Aunt Rae who lived in far away (when you have to drive across Texas to get there it’s far away!), mysterious California  to choose my name.   Over the years, when Aunt Rae would come to visit us she would always tell me how the beautiful name she gave me was fitting for the beautiful girl I was growing up to be.

Throughout my life I have not met very many women with the first name of Elaine.   Usually it is the second name.   I like this – having a common name that is sort of uncommon as a first name.   I love the meaning of my name – which is “Light”.     Here is a poem about my name and I think it is accurate for me.

You’re quick to solve puzzles

Without hints or clues

And shed light on situations

Known to confuse.

The inner glow you have

Because of your name

Makes your life a lighthearted,

Whimsical game.

You’ll always know happiness,

Love and delight,

For you follow a lifelong path

Cheerful and bright.

Also, last but not least, the greatest love of my life was Latino and the way he said my name makes it a keeper.    So, I am Elaine and Elaine is me.

NaBloPoMo #4– The One Thing I Wish I Could Change About Me Is…….

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NaBloPoMo November 2013Women Having Coffee
I am a person that performs an annual self-evaluation usually around my birthday.   Normally, I review my “things-to-improve” list from the year before and attempt to give myself an objective status.    I must admit that there are some items that have remained on that list.    When I consider why these items remain I can relate them to one personality trait that is persistent in my life and the root cause.   The one thing I wish I could change.  I am a perfectionist.

This trait has positive and negative aspects.   The positive aspects of a high level of persistence and meticulous attention to detail have allowed me to overcome insurmountable obstacles in my life and obtain skills that make it possible to enjoy the life that I have now.     However, the negative aspects of procrastination, self-deprecation, and the “all-or-nothing” attitude are also a part of my life when I cannot reach one of my goals.   This behavior manifest into the symptoms of writer’s block, unhealthy eating habits, and sedentary lifestyle which causes a vicious cycle that is hard to stop.

At the worst case, perfectionism can cause anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and low self-esteem.

It has taken me years to understand the personality trait within me and accept that I cannot change it.   However, since I am cognizant, I am proactive about self-monitoring and avoiding negative thinking.   I am improving on my eating habits, increasing my physical activity, and using transcendental meditation techniques to maintain a balanced productive lifestyle.

His Mere Presence

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Your man is reclined on your sofa in front of your big screen with the remote control in his hand.  His tennis shoes are kicked off and over to the side of the room.  There is a whiff of his smelly socks in the air.  You are either in the kitchen preparing him another “dinner at your place”  or sitting in the room with him glaring out of the corner of your eyes …………BUT you are totally unnoticed by him.   Sounds familiar?  Maybe too familiar?   You may not know this but you are in the zone of “his mere presence”.

In discussions with other single women about what they desire in a mate, most report, “I want a man that wants to DO something”.  When I ask “What?” the reply is usually the same – – “Anything!”

There are some men that believe that women should be content with him just “being” in their lives.   I call it “his mere presence”.   These men actually wonder what all of the hoopla is about when we women start making plans – – demands in his mind – – to do “things” other than his visiting you and you catering to his every wish.

One of my closest friends reported she was constantly asked by a guy she met “what are you cooking tonight?”   When she finally inquired “when are you taking me out to dinner?” His reply was “Don’t worry; I’ll get around to it.”  Lucky for her, she saw the entrance signs to the “his mere presence” zone and stopped personal interactions with him.

In my own personal experience, I, unknowingly, entered that zone and stayed a very long time.  I stopped doing many of the activities I loved and adapted to a life that was really boring to me but I could not admit it.   Even when planning a trip to beautiful Hawaii with my guy he indicated what he wanted to do (throw a fishing rod over the hotel balcony and relax while fishing) but never once asked me what I wanted to do.   I discarded that dream of seeing Hawaii with him.

It was a small insignificant event that finally opened my eyes.

On that day, I was lying across my bed bored and dozing.  My guy was visiting me and sitting at my computer desk doing some work on the computer, which was set up in my bedroom.   He looked over at me over his bifocals with this huge grin on his face and said “This is just how I like it…..you lying across the bed and me here doing some work!!”   At that moment, the hammer of reality about my relationship slammed across my head.   He was content.  I was bored and miserable.   Our needs were different.   Unfortunately, for us there was no middle ground.  The relationship went downhill and ended.

There were several years that I spent alone but eventually, in the middle of one of my adventures, I found the man who was a match for me with the same adventurous spirit.   All I had to say was “Let’s” and he would finish it with “Go”.   I did go to Hawaii with him and marked off my bucket list the view from the top of Diamond Head in Oahu.   We trekked to the top together and inhaled the beautiful view of Waikiki Beach down below.  This man was of a different race and culture than me and the men in my past.   However, this fact was insignificant as our personalities matched and there was a lot of happiness in our sharing.

So, my message to you is expand your horizons.  Don’t settle for life in the zone of “his mere presence”.   You have one journey here and the right to DO those things that are important to you.   If you want to share it with someone, extend your search and find that person who matches your enthusiasm about “doing”.   If necessary, don’t be afraid to “DO” alone.   You will probably find that perfect match in the middle of doing that “thing you DO”.

Here are my four  steps to avoiding the zone of “his mere presence”:

Step 1 – Within yourself, embrace the desire to have a man “doing” in your life as the priority instead of his “being” in it.

Step 2 – Broaden your horizons.  Don’t limit yourself to a specific range of men for personal interactions.  Sometimes our biases impact our happiness.

Step 3 – Boldly convey to a prospective mate that you want someone to DO in your life – – not just BE in your life.

Step 4 – Periodically reassess the personality of your relationship.   If it doesn’t fit anymore, don’t force it.

QUESTION(S):

1.  Have you ever been to the zone of “his mere presence”?    If so, please share your experience.

2.  Do you have any friends that are languishing in this zone and unaware of it?   If so, will you enlighten them now?